I may talk a big game, but there's nothing Super Bowl about me.

if you think you’re excited about this job opening just imagine how the inside candidate must be feeling

Boss: What are we doing out here? Me: I'm showing you where I buried the led. Boss: It's "lede". You bury the lede. Do you hear muffled screaming? Me (digging): Yeah, it's Robert Plant.

A phnom de plume is a Cambodian penh name.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird [me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Closing 2 years for renovations is the new "YOU CAN'T QUIT, YOU'RE FIRED!"

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Why do we call them loan sharks and not persons of interest?

Me: Sometimes I'll call my calf muscles my mooscles lol Personal trainer: *crying* I will literally pay you to find somebody else to do this

When you finish the coffee.

just got off the phone with the irs they said file whatever you want this year nobody’s checking

If it doesn't kill you, it's probably a placebo.

[dating a rodeo clown] *every time i go in for a kiss she dodges me and then hams it up for the crowd*

Guy at work farted in the office so bad that we all cleared out and when we had a meeting about how people need to go outside to fart from here on, absolutely nobody laughed or even smiled. It was a fart so bad it made the entire concept of farts unfunny for all of us

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

Kinda sucks that the first thing everyone wants to know when you're born is how much you weigh

[Hogwarts Culinary School] Hermione: How did you do that? Harry: I just said, "Garnish my steak." Ron: Blimey, Harry, you're a Parsleymouth!

If it weren't for all the facial hair at the Golden Globes, I never would have known about Januhairy.

What she says: "I washed three loads of our laundry." What she means: "I washed three loads of my laundry and a pair of your boxers."

I put the horrific in honorific.

em dashes have long been a common punctuation mark and no more an indication of AI than anything else

When redheads have tooth plaque, it's called gingervitis.

All my problems will be solved if I eat healthy for the 24 hours preceding my bloodwork

I want to be muzzled at all times like Hannibal Lecter so people are too afraid to talk to me.

i hope this email finds you orwellian

New Year's Resolution

Doc Brown: Where we're going, we don't need roads [Later] Marty: This is the train station

Sorry guys, 2026 won't be official until after next week's recount is complete.

It's so cold in NYC on New Year's Eve that it's nothing short of a miracle that ANY balls drop.

2026 is just two minutes old, but my teen is already bored.

I think we can all agree that the wealthy want to improve the lives of everyone and not just them.

If the Swedish Chef had a bakery in Diagon Alley, it would be called Borkin 'N' Borks.

Netflix: We would like to have a one-night run of the Stranger Things finale in your theaters. AMC, Cinemark, Regal, etc.: We would be delighted to show it in our smallest theaters with our crappiest projectors!

Wife: What's with all these colanders? Me: For our strainer things party. Wife: I said stranger. Me: 20 different colanders aren't strange enough?

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

wife: were you even listening me: yes, you were quoting the teacher from peanuts

[Proctologist's Office] Doctor (probing with forceps): Exactly how did these 3D glasses get up here? Me: We were watching the new Avatar movie and during the sex scene I whispered to my wife, "More like 'Fire and Dat Ass'."

my friend: i really need your advice me, ordering several things online i can’t afford while eating a block of cheese: yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

how much does it cost to have godzilla stomp on you does anyone know

OCCAM'S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones. OCCAM'S LAZER: pew pew

how many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

what's a matter babe you hardly touched your clud sandwich

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

now for the traditional eating of the christmas tree

Have we considered that Die Hard might not only be a Christmas movie, but may actually go a step further to be classifiable as a Hallmark-style holiday romcom?

The supermarkets are closed for Christmas tomorrow. Better go out and buy 2 weeks of food at 5PM.

He's training a Sith He's training him twice All the Jedi kids He'll sacrifice

By a show of jazz hands, how many of you are fabulous?

Why aren't Santa's little helpers called Subordinate Clauses?

Santa used to fly his sleigh without wearing a seatbelt until the accident. Now he's ho ho horribly disfigured.