I am also back after a three day break but you don't see me making a big deal about it

The main difference between a cannibal and a vegetarian is a cannibal will only tell you they're a humanitarian once.

A beatboxer? Nah man - I'm an onomatopoet

BuzzFeed's neverending list of embarrassing celebrity moments. Number 2,093,581 will shock you.

Influencer assumed cancer signs was just exhaustion from the grueling work of influencing millions.

guy commissioning a bust of himself: how will you determine the shipping charges me: weigh a head of you

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

There are three Fridays the 13th in 2026, so I'm calling dibs now on using 'Friday The Thirdteenth' for the final one.

Great news: your future doctor is currently using AI to cheat on his homework so he can spend more time watching Mr Beast videos

Where do ghosts shop? Sheetz

Where do miners shop? Kohl's

I lost a lot of friends to the rhythm in the 80s

Why are the soup sizes cup or bowl when cup sizes were right there? We could have had a B-cup of chicken noodle or a double-D of beef barley.

“have you read the book” no but i read a funny takedown of it

Leopard: Rawwwr Snow leopard: A licky boom boom down

Hail Mary, Ryland of Grace, Rocky is with thee.

Politician gives tips on how to save money

day 462 of dressing like Adam Sandler to attract a mate: the mission remains fruitless. still, my basketball shorts flow loosely in the wind.

Curly fries are just slinkies for your throat

Blade RUNNER? Not around the pool, I hope

Welcome to North Carolina, the roadwork state.

who called it an american express credit card statement instead of an ae iou

If you like to get drunk in Asian cities, Taipei is a great place to Taiwan on.

The great thing about living in the mid-Atlantic region is that it's March 11th, I've had the air conditioning on for the last 3 days and it's going to snow tomorrow.

what's the difference between your, you're and new york in the 90s

Is there a bi of hormuz

I listen to Cindy's "She's So Unusual" and "True Colors" albums on repeat because I Lauper music.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting my socks on while standing up] I do my own stunts too.

Fun fact: If you take your harassment training on your birthday, they include that video of Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to JFK.

More like Ѕтатэ оf тЂэ Циіои.

MOVIE EXEC: no idea is a bad idea ME: a farm romance about two feuding sheep who unexpectedly fall in love MOVIE EXEC: get out ME: bleated rivalry

me: imma revisit the house i grew up in. gonna check out the closet where all my childhood games were bf: you’re just looking for Trouble me: what

we had adventures in a magical world we accessed through a wardrobe

Thanks to technology, bananas are becoming obsolete as pretend phones. The future belongs to the Pop-Tart.

Good thing I have been watching the Olympics. I may have to giant slalom out to my car in a few days.

Polio Speedwagon

Measle Zappa

(first day as an AI salesman) Can I interest you in an exciting slopportunity

never ask your girlfriends dad if you can get married, cause he might say yes and then it takes forever to get divorced from him

i refuse to do anything for the time being—the time being is already far too powerful

They're not in drafts; they're in timeout.

Fanatics now has a sports book and all I can think is, what can you bet on? Next year's new color schemes?

The best thing about last night's Super Bowl was the chili I made to eat while watching it.

I may talk a big game, but there's nothing Super Bowl about me.

if you think you’re excited about this job opening just imagine how the inside candidate must be feeling

Boss: What are we doing out here? Me: I'm showing you where I buried the led. Boss: It's "lede". You bury the lede. Do you hear muffled screaming? Me (digging): Yeah, it's Robert Plant.

A phnom de plume is a Cambodian penh name.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird [me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Closing 2 years for renovations is the new "YOU CAN'T QUIT, YOU'RE FIRED!"

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu