I’m a single issue voter and my issue is that those busses that bend in the middle should make accordion noises

I'm not saying life is a vicious circle. But it may be a cruel rhombus. Or a callous trapezoid. At the very least, life is a bloodthirsty parallelogram

My favorite song about an average guy who lost a lot of weight is Dolly Parton's "Joe Lean".

ME: I’m not really into horror scenes or melodramatic roles, I can’t cry on command and I definitely won’t do nudity KFC RECRUITER: ok

ME: Can you show me how to make jelly? WIFE: K. Why? ME: *turns to face camera* No, just the regular stuff.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them? Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

More like Paul Danot going to be in one of his films.

You're Audi 5000? Why stop there? Agreeing to an event? Innie 6000. Not sure you can make it? Maybe 7000. Pretty sure you have plans you can't cancel? Don't Think So 8000.

kids will straight up tell you that there’s nothing to eat when there’s an untouched head of cabbage in the vegetable drawer

nice bit you got there. be a shame if i asked you to explain it to me

[If I wrote Star Trek] Spock: Captain, keeping track of time with a device on your wrist is not only convenient but also (puts on Geordi La Forge glasses) chrono-logical.

excited to see my post about snow tires is gaining traction . folks,,

My poetry brings all the boys to the yard And they're like, you're a wonderful bard Damn right, I'm a wonderful bard I could teach you, as it's not that hard

Netflix: We would like to have a one-night run of the Stranger Things finale in your theaters. AMC, Cinemark, Regal, etc.: We would be delighted to show it in our smallest theaters with our crappiest projectors!

an advent calendar with each day providing a small piece of the mystical sword needed to fight Santa when he finally breaks in

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Your motherboard? Not when she's with me 😏

My wife always wears a cocktail dress to prequels because she can't stand seeing movies out of sequins.

We've had one Thanksgiving, yes. But what about 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥 Thanksgiving?

Drinking a cup of coffee at 4 p.m. This won’t be a problem

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

I moonwalked into a police station and got arrested for breaking and entering.

[to the tune of The Distance by CAKE] she's reading the discourse she's scrolling through skeets she’s all alone (all alone) all alone in her Bangers feed

me: *googling symptoms* webmd: you’re being murdered murderer: see i told you

To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news

Which parade balloon is the one filled with deadly nerve gas again?

Accidentally logged into an app I haven't used in like half a year, so now I'm getting 4 to 5 emails a day from the company for the foreseeable future. (The next decade or so.)

Really enjoyed eating all the repressed sexual energy my mom fisted into the turkey.

happy birthday, dinner

Finally a MANLY guide to saying what you’re thankful for this holiday season! Sorry ladies, men thankful now!

sad news from the thanksgiving day parade: ICE just detained the dora the explorer float.

He is risen

Hey "Content Creators", it's not a "review" if all you did was "look at it in the store".

thank you for putting a wide variety of $600+ items on your holiday gift guides. I never know how to spend my gift budget of $600+ per person

Publix had a liquor ad in today's paper that's going to cost me a fortune

"Your money's no good here." - vending machines

Why did they make such a big deal about it? He pardons turkeys every day!

White people love a good pie chart

hoping that grandma does not bring her "Pineapple Surprise" again tomorrow because it is actually a live grenade

Coffee isn't enough I stare directly at the sun for 30 seconds

Our ancestors slept on cave floors and I need a pillow for my head, a pillow for my body, zero light, a white noise machine, and one leg out of my covers before I can even close my eyes

Billion dollar idea: An egg slicer that actually cuts through the whole egg.

A Dr. Pepper knockoff appreciation day. Call it Thankspibbing.

A Bee Gees appreciation day, call it Thanksgibbing

A key ring is a cool little thing that allows you to lose all your keys at once

COP: Where were you the night of the murder? CROW: I was with a group of friends. COP: And what would you call that group? CROW: Uh…I want a lawyer

Larry the loaf enjoying a few blissful moments, unaware that this was to be the last day of his relatively short life.

first date idea: I eat a rotisserie chicken and you're in your home, eating your own rotisserie chicken

@lalalyds.bsky.social Happy Birthday! Frost your cake without the cake if you wanna!

My eyes swollen with tears, I gently lower the pizza cutter's remains into the garbage can as my family honors it with a 21-topping salute.