If Cruella Deville was a doctor, do you think she'd have made a lab coat?

Bob wigs are essential to a good disguise. If you aren’t involving a bob wig in your disguise, you’ve failed

*Phill Collins voice* You’ll pee in my heart (-shaped vial necklace)

Never forget how much diarrhea Ashli Babbitt had when she passed

arby's o speedwagon

You don’t “hate melon,” they just never put good, ripe cantaloupe or honeydew in fruit bowls. They’re using the melon equivalent of entirely green bananas

The gasp-laugh I made at this is something I couldn’t reproduce if I tried

My favorite thing to do with time off is nothing and then when it's over I go oh no I've done nothing

I no longer wonder why that fight scene goes on and on and on

chimp fried rice

Again, Rubio was confirmed 99-0 to his appointment. The problem is bipartisan.

lol didn’t think I could be more bursting with hatred lol

If American Democracy brought us to this, than of what use was American Democracy?

hey remember when a bunch of middle-aged drunk korean lawmakers climbed the locked gates to the national assembly to hold an emergency session after the president gave illegal orders to the military, all of which ended with said president being sentenced to prison

Remember how appalled we all were in 2022 when Russia completely unprovoked attacked Ukraine? That is what we’re doing tonight with Venezuela. We are the bad guys here. Everyone who supports this is supporting unprovoked murder. Fuck every last one of them

I made you a mixtape, your honor.

Asked to see the secret menu at McDonald's and Grimace showed me his weird dick

It’s weird that Ariel had spent her whole life under water and that her skin didn’t immediately burn to a crisp once she started walking around on land

what the fuck do u mean you “shrunk the kids” I want a divorce

I’d prefer gentle and kind linemen actually

For sale; Baby shoes, never worn.

I hope you have a blessed new year eve

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day because of the sausage gravy

Happy spend the next month writing the wrong year on things

The Naked Gun (2025) is a good nye film and also a good other days film

You know what’s cool? (Yeah, me neither)

Happy still old year from my perspective tbh

One of the great poets of our time, Smash Mouth guy, once said, “Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin'”

I’ve been aging some milk in the sink just for tonight 🥳

I was wished a Happy New Year at the end of 2024 and it didn't work.

happy birthday bill nye

I just had some delicious lamb biryani so we can end this year now

the markets seem pretty confident that the next year is going to be called 2026. i still think it’s gonna be glenn. my money’s on glenn

just like you guys, i put my pants on one leg at a time, leaning against a wall, losing my balance, falling to my knees, yelling “FUCK”, rolling over onto my butt, turning back onto my knees, trying to get back up, grabbing the TV stand for support, attempting to catch the TV, yelling “FUCK” again,

what’s the latest tea on Timothy Chamomile

Spread the word, eh? Next year, we'll be watching the original film together!

Be a man With all the force of a great buffoon

retvrn

It feels really rude to go to the grocery store when it’s dark out

Billie Jean is not my lover She's just a girl who claims that I am the one (oh, baby) But the kid is not my son (hoo) She says I am the one (oh, baby) But the kid is not my son (hee-hee-hee, no-no, hee-hee-hee, hoo) Your honor

Is it too early for Christmas music?

Fifteen years ago I felt pretty embarrassed pronouncing a word wrong, but now I’m just boasting like “oh yeah I guess I only know that one from READING it in a BOOK”

Why do they make silica packets so delicious if I'm not supposed to eat them?

Die Hard except he’s holding in a poop the whole time

I did that confusing thing

By following me, you agree with and endorse every single thing I skeet

Christmas is a year away and people already have all their Christmas stuff up.