remember that age where you post song lyrics all the time? we need to get back to that as a society

Mike Sweeney DH-1B-Catcher Debut: 1995 - Retired: 2010 KCR - PHI - SEA - OAK

I need to get a handkerchief for bringing toast to the car every morning

The difference between cucumbers and pickles is jarring.

We also just murdered this guy’s parents, his wife, and his son so good luck getting a peace deal

I really just want everyone to wear shirts.

if you expect a quick end to the iranian regime just because its leadership was decapitated you may be disappointed. like imagine if the situation were reversed and america's supreme leader and defense secretary had been killed. that's right, go ahead, imagine it. think about it all day if you like.

All I can think about is Jeff Bezos saying that he slashed jobs at the Washington Post — including those of foreign correspondents in the Middle East — based on "the data," and a few weeks later a whole war breaks out in the Middle East that these laid off folks would have covered as true experts.

In America, the phrase "work-life balance" refers to how fast you can eat a burger while crying in your car

My four-year-old is fascinated that letters make words. He keeps presenting me with seemingly random combinations of letters and asking me what words they spell. This must be what Borges' Library of Babel is like.

Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.

Terrifying if literal: Piano Man

Wiping the mix of dust and sweat from his brow after a long day of tending cattle, he pauses and thinks to himself, “I’d really love some zesty seasoning to mix with the milk I pour over my vegetables” Smiling as he looks out from the porch, “but I sure am glad no one will ever find this valley”

I love those first few sips of coffee in the morning where I can feel the cobwebs get blown out from inside my skull and all the subsequent sips that make me shit

lol didn’t think I could be more bursting with hatred lol

That brief scene time when the shirts were tight but the pants weren’t

Oops at the “listening to the same song 14 times in a row” stage of the evening

Horrifying if literal: a coat of arms

Living in the USA is like being a passenger on a flaming bus driving the wrong way on the freeway and the driver is a 12-year-old in a Nazi uniform

It’s wrong to vaporize school children even if Congress votes to approve it.

Maybe I’ll just learn to roller skate real good

Once in a while I’ll just remember the absolute glee with which Cunth tells MacGruber that his own dick got blown off and then I’ll feel a little happier

Wolfing down 2 lbs of steamed Brussels sprouts as soon as I arrive at work

TC Pipeline is a trans relocation org located in Colorado which is near Kansas It would be helpful if you could signal boost them. They could use funding and volunteers, and trans folks in Kansas may want to contact them if they need extraction Also: the letters sent may be illegal tcpipeline.org

Zesty ranch donut holes

I hope that when it happens he falls on Barron like a looney tune

The hairs in my nose and the hairs above my lip are fighting for some reason

an image of Trump's discolored hand during his State of the Union speech (Win McNamee/Getty)

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ funniest 🕯️ SotU address 🕯️ ever 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

Ignoring Teams messages to talk with people in your cubicle about pee pee and doo doo

For you, it may be a quick jaunt. But for others, it’s their home: Get all your farts out BEFORE entering your workplace restroom

It would be really funny if it happened at SOTU but it would also be funny if just it (shit pant) happened at SOTU

I felt tired and gross when I got home and then ate a string cheese and 4 saltines and now I just feel tired. 🎉

Hey cool! ragana.bandcamp.com/track/dta

One of the kind of fucked up parts of the ICE occupation here is that a lot of folks want to believe it’s over, and the media seems to tell us it’s over, but folks on the ground are still seeing tons of activity and vulnerable people are still (rightfully) terrified to go outside. We can’t stop yet.

Attention Coworkers: the primary or “main” vein of the human body is the superior vena cava. Under no circumstances should you be draining that.

Yeah I’m also upset about the internet and when people talk on it

this is the stupidest thing and it absolutely undid me

Store brand versions of Velveeta Mac and cheese. Even better with a Costco hot dog cut up in there

I could easily a house a whole can of corned beef hash

With the olympics it’s like, we get it. These people dont have jobs

A compass is a tool to help you draw a circle if you get lost

they should invent a cost of living that goes down

i just wanna fuck my fish... eat my dogs..... shit my truck......

i hate when my celery gets flaccid