Imagine making oatmeal and ever averting your eyes for even a fraction of a second

enjoying 15 beers is not a crime

Watched pots will boil eventually, you just have to keep watching. Don’t give up, keep staring at them, ever watchful.

Mariners, you’re beautiful but I’m dying

I like it better when Mariners hit safely

Thank you to everyone who follows me and hates all my posts

They should offer refreshments more often

You may not remember me, because you were probably like 12 at the time, but I absolutely wrecked this bathroom one night. Anyways, probably not ever again

You know you’re old when you realize your MySpace is of legal drinking age.

Going back to all the bars/breakfast places I’ve puked at to tell them I barely puke at all anymore

You may think things seem pretty terrible and bleak and awful right now

Ah yes. Pumpkin spice toilet paper.

Claiming to not like ska is performative

Is there a posting site that hasn’t been completely ruined when it’s owners follow their instincts?

No more mustaches on young men til we can figure out what’s going on

Regaling my younger co-workers with stories about the days before Mountain Dew went extreme

Rudy Giuliani asked to leave Cuomo fundraiser because he keeps looking up “Tilly Norwood nude” on the iPad hooked up to the projector

Typical Thursday night with the boys.

Couch you can live in

Goodbye everybody. I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Please respond

it's funny to me how this image can be applied to dozens of people at any given time now

Melatonin gummy sandwich yum

Think about other people Cough into your elbow Hug your enemies

Typical Wednesday night with the boys.

Little Debbie is still a child and if Kirsten Dunst has taught me anything, that means vampire

mike’s hard yogurt

technically dehydration is also a drinking problem

I'm not rooting for either the Tigers or the Guardians tomorrow. What I'm rooting for is an 18-inning slugfest that absolutely decimates the winner's bullpen.

I don’t always reply but when I do, it’s very bad

Boeing paid its CEO $18 million for 4 months of work while taking away health care benefits from 3200 machinists in St. Louis who have been on strike for 2 months & were making as little as $18 an hour. I say to the CEO of Boeing: End your greed. Sign a fair union contract NOW.

Lunch class was my favorite class in school

Everyone at work is freaking out because for the first time ever, I forgot to cover my Caesar salad before putting it in the microwave

When I'm asked to name two people who've had the most impact on my life, I say without a doubt hashbrowns and gravy.

we all got that one homie that has changed their pfp and name and when their posts appear on the timeline makes us go who the fuck is this?

I’ve heard people say John Fetterman looks like a Bond villain but that’s very wrong as he’s clearly an Austin powers villain

the only way to stop a bad wizard with a mass diarrhea spell is with a good wizard with a mass diarrhea spell.

Brendan Ryan SS-2B Debut: 2007 - Retired: 2016 STL - LAA - SEA - NYY

does anyone even know what the fuck is going on around here

Shirt brothers nationwide getting real wound up about this no government thing

Typical Tuesday night with the boys.

What if zombies weren’t saying “braaaaains” but actually “raaaaaaiiisinsss” this whole time, like maybe they’d eat all the raisins out of your trail mix if they weren’t getting their heads blown up. Like the shrub-eating goats but for the raisins

September 30 October 1

💀🎃

Let's not repost each other and say we did

this meeting could have been an email that I ignored

Inventing a sock for men

The unrelenting self-hatred that comes from telling someone what kind of pizza you’d like

just because you never shit on your shirt dont expect to not be constantly checking your shirt for shit once youve seen someone walking around not knowing there is shit on their shirt.

A shirt sleeve you could keep things in