i'm a single issue voter: make aliens.gov available for bsky handles

Me: dick so good she need a EpiPen My doctor: no that doesn’t make sense Me: dick so good she need a medivac My doctor: bit better but still not great

found God. they were in the back of the fridge, festering and forgotten behind an expired jar of horseradish cremé. they were laughing soundlessly, chest heaving with the effort of hysteric mirth. tears streamed from unblinking eyes, bulging with a mania unimaginable; infinite. closed the fridge.

Tacos can be a driving food if your risk tolerance is high enough

I don't need booze to have a good time, I need booze to pretend I'm having a good time

live laugh lower your blinds

Is posting good over for augh? Find out after these commercial messages

i last saw her in the banlieue of flavortown, past the old sambal district. she was following a saffron gradient deeper in. her last postcard was just a harissa thumbprint

I'll take shady links for $400

oh sure I vote [pantomimes peeling a banana and dropping it in a box]

i am granting you one hour of: 𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬 do not disappoint me

People are real and I can’t believe it. Never will

mayor: I do have uh, time for some questions, brief questions, if there are any. me: 👋 are farts funny? are they funny yes or no mayor's aide: (pushing mayor backward) The Mayor respects all religions. me: are they funny yes or no mayor's aide: (growing agitated) Our city welcomes all faiths.

each day i pilot a little man. from two to seven with vim and glee i choose where he goes and what he does. and the fellow is conscious, but has no clue what is going on nor how to fight me. nobody would believe him anyway

god grant me the serenity of a woman eating a salad in a stock photo

Sometimes I'll light a match after using the restroom. Other times I'll mark the threshold with a binding sigil and hang an amulet of black tourmaline from the knob.

avoid life, make art, pour green beer over an asshole’s head which I guess is still art if you do not get caught

Billionaire saying there's no such thing as an internal self reads the same as a guy with IBS saying there's no such thing as a solid turd

fool me once shame on u fool me twice chame on me fool me three time u must be a leprechaun i dont even talk to em anymore u not gonna get anywhere near that gold trust

Lotion is for class traitors

using my feet to perform a detailed analysis of the city

The eyes are the windows to the soul but the soul is a fetid alleyway.

SO really regrets handing me this

[me, every 8 months or so] i should really go down a 9/11 rabbit hole for 3 hours today

on a woodland power hike when a tiny grey alien toddles out of the woods. it has two huge eyes full of gentle wonder. i scream and kick it through a tree; not because i am afraid but because i am commandant of the Kick and Scream Society and come hell or high water I Will Not Let The Lads Down

newton was actually just accelerating upwards toward the apple

We used to do that all the time but we did it once, the most common of the memory exaggerations. Others include everything and nostalgia and forgetting, plus sepia

as one of the most respected talking heads in the media ecosphere i feel a responsibility to weigh in on discourse surrounding the strait of hormuz; nuke the moon. if we had any balls we'd nuke the moon and be done with it. do it you cowards, you absolute buried clams. nuke the moon. nukeitnukeitnuk

Need someone to push my blood around faster

On iPhone 8 I was occasionally waiting 5-10 seconds for likes to register it was wild you really had to want em

kiss me by the warmth of the costco rotisserie chickens

stupid teeth none of my other bones need this much minty scrubbing

I only drink handwash water that has been filtered through/around the motherboard of a phone or laptop. This keeps me extremely glossy.

I discovered something called Underlog Brownsicles

Hans Rutabaga CONDEMNS L’Oréal Paris

excuse me, thats my post. you posted my post instead of yours. no, this happens all the time, dont worry.

Tired of kowtowing to big tech and their duopolistic stranglehold over your data/swim schools?? At Free Open-Source Swimming (FOSS) we refuse to monitor your Precious Bodily Secretions™

most denizens of crimson lotus hell only contemplate the next thousand years of suffering. you need to be thinking in 10 billion year increments

daily affirmations: putting too much garlic in a dish isn't real putting too much garlic in a dish can't hurt you the amount of garlic needed for any dish is equivalent to how much you are willing to peel

why is crab man like that

it’s ok to enjoy things

no, absolutely not, and fuck no still do not seem to do the job lately

singing peaceful easy feeling to the guy in the car next to me who is flipping me off for reasons unknown

Off to set up a google account on the library comp under a fake name

I'm just saying, people who go through the trouble of owning and using a label maker rarely fuck up or lie

don't forget to stab someone today!

They should make a standing feature of the Oscars that Will Smith slaps a new celebrity at a random time