Bringing my microwave and work laptop to the Hassleless Mattress and hunkering down

hungover in the arcanum so i told the apprentice to sand the edges off the scrying orb to keep him out of my hair

this reincarnation cycle could have been an email

Does your Hitler dressing have anchovies in it? Ok nice can I get the chicken hitler wrap then

You can beat a dead horse, but you can't look at the water in its mouth.

Continuing to ignore the demands of my body in favor of the luxurious and creamy tinnitus tones emanating from this garage sale statuette. Can’t stop laughing!

Bouncing my leg as the metro car thins out, to no one, to myself, cheerily, not loudly, earnestly: “He’s losing the plot!”

has alex karp always been this nuts

Whenever it says human grade on a bag of dog treats I’m like shit does this mean they’re entirely covered in diquat

*getting vaporized by aliens flattening the surface of my planet in the name of their immortal emperor* if you broke just say that

i hate to break it to you but i'm no longer with us

late night talks hit different in these

Setting an alarm for “it’s too late” so I know just when to start

🏠 🌪 🏘🏘🏘 🔭🦧? 🏔🏔🏔⛰

don't look at midusa she'll turn you to ehh

i dont use the past tense bcause im always present

You gotta help me out bro I’m outta town on some grimoire shit and I need you to go to my place and burn like 400 original Trimethius manuscripts. Yeaaah fine you can hit the rig

today marks my 32nd orbit around our benevolent god-sun, basking in it's warm gaze like a lizard on a hot rock. my only wish is that we all find kindness in each other but also maybe instead of feet we just have another set of hands so i can flip the cops off with twice as much power. quad bird, pig

tap that bell so you don't miss hardass chef gordon ramsey piss himself silly with utter horror at the atrocities she visits upon her subjects! he dry retches until veins pop in his eyes! no loving god could sit as idle witness! smash that like button to check out her recipe for a killer brioche,

do i fear rice? yes. fear marks a healthy respect; with respect comes understanding. in order to temper and tame the grain, you must subject it to Various Flavours. saffron... coconut... coriander and lemon... these are the songs that soothe the beast. understand this, and you may kiss my rude son

doing the tom cruise run straight towards you. i am clearly terrified. every time you blink i get farther away. somewhere in the world a goose honks, but no one is around to hear it

we’re supposed to believe these are entertaining napkins, and yet they’ve never made me laugh

Everything was already possible, modern times doesn't even need itselves. I asked the muses if it was okay to say it that way and they hired a muse of red underlining

You know how when you uncover enough universal truths you reach a free personal one, I just got a realizations on off switch

we need a quantitative answer about where the shadow lives

Me: read it again but this time do the voices Priest: Whole Congregation: VOICES! 👏VOICES! 👏VOICES!👏

I find it really difficult to pay prolonged attention to you when you flicker in and out of this dimension like that.

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire

i don't think my television needs an AI Concierge

travelling at ten thousand times the speed of light but technically standing still; whiteout at the bow, blackout at the stern; as long as your trip is τ-monotone on god's time, you're golden. and if it's not? we'll cheer on the light show

"This is not who we are" has gotta be the funniest thing important people say all the time, right. Like just definitionally false

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being

I don't want to make the most of my day, I want to sleep comfortably in many different positions

Interviewing politicians is pointless. Interview animals instead. They won't make sense either but at least they're worth looking at

All that bad shit wouldn't have happened to Jesus if he was wearing full plate. Yet another L for the woated Light Armour community smh

The devil, having tired of the details, is in the depression

fuluffasump

Onomonopissing

the last messenger wore a gas mask and carried a riot shield and all he had was good news

i’d be really good as a prime minister if it wasn't for the authoritarian aggression and spineless gallantry

Walking on yuour toes like a dog bestows a minor physical advantage that could be used to disarm threats and unlock new markets in numerous multinational industries

Augh Lite® for now and the foreseeable future but hey how the hell are ye

Plants would probably think we're fucked up if they knew that we give each other bundles of plant genitalia for special occasions

“Fireflies on the pond” digital, 2025

The Signal message congrats are pouring in on this Vets day for my giant Pete Hegseth lawn decoration inflated with my nastiest farts

my wife is so lucky we're settling all this in divorce court and not in a battle of the bands

I bet in a plane crash you get so much stuff in your mouth

When you click on a video that’s like, The Secret to the Perfect Ponytail, and it’s like, “Imagine in your hands a knife. Let your conscience guide its divine path. And excise that part of yourself that even wants a ponytail.”

They’re doing away with the middle class in favour of a new subgenre of people who will be known as ‘gerbloids’

All the fleeting ghosts from the corners of your eyes are more apart than anything in front of you so please, keep them in mind sideways for the panoramic pick up lines, condemned tire swing matchmakings just laying around and around in your yard