"There's reason to believe maybe this fiscal year will be better than the last" - Accounting Crows

putting the litter box in progressively larger enclosures like a matryoshka doll of cat crap

what's up with men not going off to seek their fortune with nothing but a bit of bread and hard cheese in their leather sack

no i don’t want to “hang out” i only want to be perceived two sentences at a time by strangers on the internet

smokin on that shit that make me say internert

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

when i say “hey girl” it’s gender-neutral

Might as well face it you’re addicted to cud

At this point, the idea that you could positively influence the fascists is just an overinflated ego playing tricks on you.

it’s always sashimi and never sashiWE☹️

THE HOLY SPIRIT HAS FILLED MY BAGEL AND I CANNOT BE HARMED!!! #ART

whoops! all fascism

it's hard to be funny when society is collapsing all around you

alarming if literal: toenails

Spoiler Alert: he gets nailed to a large "t" and then assholes misinterpret everything he ever said

I’m going to have to throw away all these Antifa business cards aren’t I?

28% of Americans believe it’s not butter

Ok but I get a bag of M&Ms every time I see news that makes me plan to permanently leave the US.

Put in wood floors and now my dog's name is Daisy Tapdancing Christ

No it's much less evolved than that, like a stranded consciousness this vision of an astral lethargy of mine

Empathy is a survival trait without which we would already be extinct.

my little osprey friend 🖤

Using a geiger counter should be called radioactive listening

dont do anything i wouldnt do (im too paralyzed by fear to do anything at all)

every poster whose skeets get read in court should be required to have a username that is this funny, at bare minimum

My wife and i are thinking of having an adult

guys i have schizophrenic abilities but its not helpful for me . it makes my life harder

i went to the realm that makes nobody know you and if it weren't for the power of love embued in the locket you gave me i don't think i would have ever made it back. needless to say, no one mentioned you

i do not believe that ideas matter

Empanada is Spanish for “imp of nothing”

select/reset/start/ready

i think charlie kirk was *furrows brow and shuffles through notes for an obscenely long time* bad.

(wholesome country man) a mouthwatering blend of our signature syrups and thickeners

mfs be like ‘hey Blerpo? can i eat Pillsbury cookie dough RAW?’ and Blerpo be like ‘sure! Pillsbury cookie dough uses heat treated flour, pasteurized eggs, and ready to eat manufacturing! read now @ safe-to-eat-jpeg’ then mfs say ‘can i eat nothing BUT cookie dough?’ and Blerpo say ‘go ahead! lmao!’

the reason why there’s two windows at the drive-thru is so you can order and say ‘i love you’ at the 1st window, and then they give you your food and reply with ‘i love you too’ at the 2nd window

Quick tip to improve your life, replace all hatred with curiosity. Well, bye

I am, and have always been, this man

THEY DEFORMED ME, COOP. REDUCED ME DOWN TO ONLY MY MOST RECOGNIZABLE CHARACTERISTICS. I’M A CUTESY SHELL OF MY FORMER SELF. THE BOYS AT QUANTICO ARE CALLING ME A “CHEE-BEE.” I’M SEVEN CENTIMETERS TALL, COOP. 150 GRAMS OF VINYL PLASTIC.

I cast The Hoover Dam

i'm postless

a grimace so perfect people confuse it for a smile

oh no i internalized a joke for so long i became it

if we just give the ruling class more of our money they will take their knees off our necks

they put a fucking u2 album on my new fridge

ugh i think i ate a bad traumatic upbringing

Nope. That shit is unkebabable. Good luck kababing that mess. You think you’re getting kebabs outta that shit pfff you’ve got another thing coming buddy

Some Gouda, some Parma, Ooh I wanna feed you some Havarti, Manchego, Cooover me in queso,

Sliding into a plate glass window at 100 mph on a dirt bike would fix me

everything is a muscle

Situationally and culturally appropriate Merzbau.