I hope I get a good match for Secret Satan this year.

Without downloading new pics, what is it like sedating you?

Canceling my Delete Me subscription because they didn't fulfill the implied promise.

Is that pumpkin spice tear gas?

A fucked-up childhood is the gift that keeps on taking.

This is my emotional support bathtub toaster.

The QR code *will* be on the Final.

If only Trent Reznor could have been troubled to stop sniffing his own farts and take the stage to put on the show we paid way too much to see.

David Bowie, wearing a black and white striped suit and broad-brimmed hat singing "Robble, Robble."

Fast food Drive-Thru workers are on the front lines of this country's mental health crisis.

Our cat is more emotionally supportive than all 4 of our parents combined.

There's nothing wrong with eating fiber gummies for dessert if you're young at heart.

Things are looking up. My new manager, Mola Ram, says he has big plans for me.

Eating a couple of fiber gummies as dessert. Does life get any better than this?

Dyslexic waiting for God to bring back the stick.

#Flower #Blue

If you see this, quote with the energy you bring to Bluesky.

I microwave a mean steak.

I remember when teachers didn't have to hide their on-the-job drinking.

The average American has three friends.

Dad's Special Rum Cake Recipe: 1: No cake 2: Substitute vodka for rum 3: LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU

trying to switch off the AI bloatware that has been pinned to the top of every single menu in every single app

Forceachusetts equals Massachusetts times Accelerationchusetts

White smoke from the Vatican CAN mean that there’s a new Pope but don’t overlook the possibility that it needs a new head gasket

How I arrived on Bluesky.

Sometimes I feel like crypto is just beanie babies for guys who can't get laid.

Palms #ir #Hawaii

Being an agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia is doing my head in. I lay awake most nights wondering if there's a dog.

Please repeat over and over: “Bending to the whims of a bully will not end his cruelty. It will only embolden him. The response to authoritarianism isn’t acquiescence. Bullies respond to one thing, and one thing only: a punch in the face.” —Gov. JB Pritzker

If going to space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut then I’m a gynecologist

I think we'd all be trying harder if we paid postage to send a skeet.

A film that takes place where you're from

13 shows to get to know me: Star Trek: TOS Venture Brothers Doctor Who (Doctors 1-4) Fawlty Towers The Prisoner Better Call Saul Babylon 5 M*A*S*H Red Dwarf The Wire Monty Python's Flying Circus Battlestar Galactica (1978) Drunk History

I miss the days when "goober" was an effective insult.

Timeline cleanse.

Flour power

Just received a Cease-and-Desist for my new business: PetShart.

i'm writing a new bible. 1. pee before you leave. 2. don't be mean. mean people suck. 3. don't take shit that doesn't belong to you. ask like a mensch. 4. no inherited wealth. everybody's shit is their own. 5. no money. like Star Trek. 6. the value of people is who they are. that they're kind.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs? In this economy?

The goal used to be double coupons. Now it's a double pour.

This non-consensual sequel to 9-1/2 Weeks fucking sucks.

Off-brand Spock & Spell.

if laughing HARD at this makes me a terrible person then I guess we'll both just have to learn to live with that (sound up)

The internet of things is truly a wonder. 😝 #dishwasher #parody #iot

Reskeet with a movie you know all the lines to:

Team Leader: Tiger One through Six are you in position Tiger One: All are a go lead Pete Hegseth: God go with you boys Brent: Susan? Tiger Two: Tango is crossing the souk. He has four bodyguards. All appear to be armed. Lots of civilians Team Leader: wait comms are compromised /1

"Blow" is a movie about an exasperated mother with a toddler with a runny nose.

BRB, gonna jump on my Huffy and make my fortune selling Grit subscriptions.

Trekking across a desolate waistband.

Me to the cat, "This is why your string looks like shit."