PSA re: my pinned tweet. It's really fucking funny. I wouldn't normally point it out but it's low key clever and I'm incredibly smug about it. Please shower me with your likes and fake approval. ❤️

Mama told me not to come - Sigmund Freud

I also watched a lot of Patrick Swayze movies.

This weed is making me emotional. It's like the time my wife convinced me that taking a couple of the capsules I'd made with her placenta when Lil Q was a baby would perk me up and instead I fucking cried at everything, felt frumpy, and ate loads of weird shit for two days.

Massive shout-out to @jenniferschaffroth.bsky.social for being my sole source of dopamine, whenever I pop on here for a mooch and invariably say something ridiculous, she always supports my witterings. What a fucking queen. Thanks dude 🙌

Might throw my phone in the sea to prevent me just posting this nonsensical stream of consciousness all night

Update. We're both eating crisps. She's definitely high. Although she quite enjoys crisps anyway. As does everyone. Apart from terrorists. ẞ

I'm so high that I forgot I already smoked a doob. I hit my vape a couple of times and now I'm watching American Ultra. My cat has just come to sit with me so I'm just catching her up on the plot. I might have also accidentally given her a blowback, she jumped onto my lap and I coughed vapor on her

They're all going to laugh at you, Charlie Brown

Did you relinquish consciousness for a sufficient period?

Who wants to hold hands with cartoon me?

The Holiday was on TV last night and I've just heard Fairytale in New York on the radio. Christmas has officially started.

Some absolute fucking Quilk just accused me of making up words.

I really should have tried these new jeans on before I bought them. They're so tight I can count the money in my pocket. A tenner and a fiver.

Playing pooh sticks with my discarded roach

I don't tell half as many people to fuck off as I'd like to.

Two words

someone added me to a disparagingly named block list for asking people to please use alt text, so I added him to a list called “keeps spamming people to tell them he sat on his balls”

Before you sit down, make sure you can reach the remote.

*my phone alarm goes off* Them: Time for medicine? Me: nope. Reese’s cup

I bought a new Bic four-coloured pen yesterday to add to my collection and I'm quite annoyed that I haven't had to write anything yet.

New name, new pfp, same angry dickhead.

Swishy trousers for the win

The Brummie accent is sexy and I'm tired of pretending that it isn't.

What's green and smells of pork? Mouldy sausages.

Mood

Iggy Pop does a bit of painting and decorating on the side.

Apparently you get more right wing the older you get. My current bedtime reading is the communist manifesto and it's got me wondering, at what age is it supposed to kick in?

First, they came for the pedophiles, and I did n-- *touching earpiece* oh, they didn't?

Did Carl Douglas ever explain WHY everyone was Kung Fu fighting?

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's functional alcoholism.

After almost 15 years of awkward, stunted conversation, I've finally bonded with my BiL, we popped in to see my Outlaws and he was visiting and had put Interstellar on the TV. Now we're best friends. Thank you Christopher Nolan.

My only fear about dying is that my mum will choose my burial outfit and I'll have to spend the afterlife dressed like a twat.

When I’m in a new place sometimes I poke what I’m about to sit on. Have to make sure it’s not Daniel Day Lewis, John Malkovich, or Gary Oldman.

Post your favourite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only

Your honor, permission to do the jerk-off motion

I must have missed the memo, when did looking where you're going become optional in public places?

American Psycho, and chill?

"Anyone else with an execution fetish?" Is not a sentence I ever imagined reading but here we are.

I haven't done one of these stream of consciousness posts for ages. Although only people who read them would notice anyway. And that's me.

Might fall back on one of the old classics and get my tits out.

Spiced rum and 200mg edibles are not a good combo, they're making me really fucking emo tonight.

The reason nobody has ever made a parody account of mine is because my whole life is one.

It was so bleak that I watched This is England and Dead Man's Shoes to cheer me up afterwards.

After 40 years, I recently rewatched Threads. It's so fucking bleak that it actually broke my depression, I've been feeling pretty good of late. I've also revised my nuclear apocalypse survival plan: Don't survive.

The house move went well, thanks for asking.

I call this piece Autumn Casualties #rainwearart #hashtagsnobodylooksfor

Youth Hostelers give terrible parenting adcice

I'm actually delighted that we have no internet in the new house yet, we've been watching live TV most nights and I just saw an advert for an investment firm that contained the best sentence I've ever heard: "At Fisher Investments UK, we won't put you in a bucket"