You are the free candy to my windowless van.

Thou anointed my head with oil and I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

don't remove it. let it cure and sawcut it out, place it just off the road and leave it there as a monument to stupidity

people living with a ghost are always like “I just know it’s my grandma, we were so close.” WHY IS SHE THROWING KNIVES AT YOU?! That ain’t nana behavior

I answer the window when someone knocks on the door I'm not putting on my pants.

Weed whacking in daisy dukes also brings boys to the yard if you’re out of milkshake

at first i was suspicious, but, c’mon, how often does someone give you hoka sneakers , new strings attached ? folks,,,

Add this fatty to the menagerie of wildlife that lives in my back garden. Ive not come up with a name yet because i cant tell if its male or female. This is my security camera footage. But i am very excited. Opossum are great. 😁 i love their little pink feet and whiskered faces.

LMAO. Bregman said this after PCA was caught telling a woman to “suck his d*ck.” Yeah, he seems great.

Still the best Catholic tweet.

Speaking of harm reduction: May of 2016 (a decade ago) I almost died from an abscess that popped inward and almost sent me septic caused from reusing needles. Its not "just" drug kits. Its life and death.

youtu.be/GVbTE4wCbpw?... drifting into the night with Otis Redding...🎶🌙✨️

Who's hungry and/or confused?

I feel better now. Good morning! 🩷

When they just get you

C’mon.

If being Gay was a choice..

Late thirties is such a weird age. I’m sitting at home with my Merlin bird app listening to birds, and at the same time texting my friend who is planning a threesome with this dude she’s been fucking.

Been a min since I posted a a dolly pic

Last night wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be and I owe that to my oldest. He never let me feel ostracized.

One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re watching a storm from your porch while saying “we needed this rain.”

Bob Seger is the Buddha.

I keep a bottle of quinine water on my bedside table in the event I should be visited by the gin fairy

my neighbor is moving & she put small boulders in milk crates (?!) & there’s like 25 crates & the moving men are carrying them up the ramp into the moving van one by one & it’s like watching sisyphus except they’re getting all the boulders into the van so i guess it’s nothing like sisyphus ok nvm 😬

States I struggle with: -Rhode Island–napoleonic complex -New Hampshire–live free or die? are those my only choices -Delaware–all the paint cans -Wyoming & Colorado–out of square -West Virginia–wampus beast -Massachusetts–sentient rubber lobsters -Connecticut–not even real pfft

Wellsir, this climate isn’t gonna change itself

my coworker seeing me down 3 bottles of water in the break room for the 4th time this week: will you stop it’s not gonna happen me who really wants my coworkers to start calling me Chugg Norris: cmon linda

I’m your Senior Pet at your service

I've never seen a slug's penis but I bet it looks like an even smaller slug.

I’m a reader I don’t know how to pronounce all of the words but I will kick your ass in a spelling bee

Wondering if anyone has tried sticking a genital in one of those pneumatic tubes at the bank

me: kerry russell’s husband should write a weekly op-ed & call it “rhys’s pieces” my gynecologist: what

me: what’s the opposite of a photographic memory ? wait … what was the question ? my gynecologist:

Give until gone

Tag yourself. I'm "Do not spin"

ⓕⓤⓒⓚ F⃨U⃨C⃨K⃨ FUͧCͨᴋⷦ ʞɔnⅎ 𝐹𝑈𝐶𝐾 ꓘϽՈᖵ 🅕🅤🅒🅚 𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂 𝗙𝗨𝗖𝗞 🇫​​​​​🇺​​​​​🇨​​​​​🇰​​​​​ᶠᵁᶜᴷ 𝑭𝑼𝑪𝑲 🅵🆄🅲🅺 𝙵𝚄𝙲𝙺 𝙁𝙐𝘾𝙆 𝓕𝓤𝓒𝓚 ＦＵＣＫ Բᑌᑕ𐌊 🄵🅄🄲🄺 F̶U̶C̶K̶ 千ㄩ⼕长 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊 fuck ⒻⓊⒸⓀ 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜 F̷U̷C̷K̷ 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 fᵤcₖ 𝖿𝗎𝖼𝗄 ᶠᵘᶜᵏ 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 ℱ𝒰𝒞𝒦 ғᴜᴄᴋ FUCK 𝑓𝑢𝑐𝑘 ⨍υ⊂ⲕ

smoothies are just fruit soup

Hello

There are barely any people like me here. This beach is for people that grow up dreaming about owning a Ford F 15,000

Tits or ass? Bro, her overwhelmingly threatening aura

started tagging men's wives in their shitty women-hater comments on insta, having a great time

Your jacket doesn’t squirt, it’s just a peacoat.

My Eastern European friend is over looking at himself in the mirror. He’s using self-Czech-out.

I’m hanging in there despite the fact that I’ve had the song from Wii playing in my head for the last 20 years

One of my favorite moments of being on a show ever. Stephen Colbert is a clever, hilarious, and genuinely kind person, and I am so grateful I got a chance to interact with him. The fact CBS got rid of him tells you everything you need to know about the shitty people now running it.

found the best WiFi name everyone can pack it up

Spent my life keeping my head down and working on myself to fit into this world. What a waste of time.