I don't believe in astrology, which is so Pisces of me

I’m running for mayor of Roku city this town doesn’t have a Popeyes and I aim to change that

there are some lovely, warm and fucking hilarious folks here on bsky and i’m grateful i get to share this weird little space with y’all ❤️

I have said it before but rfk jr is the type of drug user who gets bullied in rehab

You guys should have seen my husband dancing to “Tulsa Time” by Don Williams oh my gosh play Don Williams hot damn

what’s up you lil late night pervs have some foot i know what you weirdos are into

wow must be nice to have a non perv kicker who can make his kicks!!!!!!!!

My throat hurts :/ Maybe your dad knows how to fix it?

White people are the worst.

Me: I lived in New York, married into a Manhattan Italian first generation family Them: well you still must have not had good pizza Y’all need to cling to bagels that’s where you really have the upper hand.

lol. old school football player analysts saying “kick the field goals” and I’m like “YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT EVERY TIME”

Everytime I see a pharmaceutical commercial, the eternally burning rage within me grows

Me explaining how the incel movement began with the hit 2000 song “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon

Only 8,000 verbal assaults? We are slackin' y'all

If this season's playoffs have established anything it's that I most definitely shouldn't root for any team if I actually want them to win.

Cremation sounds delicious

ANYWAY CHEESEHEADS ✊🏻

Delicious smelling bleach, brought to you by the makers of rat poison.

Because Greg is a pussy ass bitch and deleted.

people think jordan love is the QB that cj stroud is

I collect vintage Valentines (and greeting cards and postcards but Valentines are my fave) and I just unbelievably stumbled upon the BEST lot of them right near me and I messaged the lady and SOME DUDE HAD JUST CONTACTED HER. I am so fucking bummed. Anyone wanna help me with a heist?

I thought I was going to hell, but turns out I'm prob good since I've been having *post* marital sex and not *pre* marital sex.

There are no ribs in a McRib sandwich. I’m calling my mother!

Sure I go to church if by "church" you mean my bed to have sex with someone to whom I'm not married.

tag urself, I'm 'a best friend'

I broke my rib and all I got was this terrible pain and a best friend googling how to help me. PS: I cannot be helped.

Listen, if you turn on the big light and now I can feel my socks, I’m your problem for the rest of the day.

I promise you guys that I’m going to do absolutely nothing today & be really good at it

Going to have the features on my face turned upside down, the better with which to drown.

“Soon, love,” I whisper tenderly to my jorts.

Sure I go to church if by church you mean to 5 guys for a quintuple penetration burger

That’s it. 10% tariff on anyone that judges me for my beefhurt days. Also, a curse on your family. And also, suck it

Sure I go to church, if by "go to church" you mean I get on my knees on Sundays

The biggest lesson I've learned from trying winter sports is that I am incredibly out of shape.

When you don't belong anywhere You can literally go everywhere

we really should’ve invented self-cleaning bodies by now

being everyone’s least favorite poster has its benefits

My other favorite baroness: www.factinate.com/people/facts...

Wink wink

I bet that man hasn’t squeezed a satisfying grumpy in nigh on 50 years

roses are red what are your fears? a bussy with teeth, or a

Why, you’re more truck than man.

I am going to have e a good day today out of spite

When I was little I started to question the idea of God but I was also a huge nerd afraid of getting in trouble, so in the pledge of allegiance at school I would ever-so-slyly replace “God” with “dog.” Then I became worried a teacher would notice, so I changed it to “One Nation, Under Gob.”