Sweet salmon-colored chinos. Are you a whaler from Nantucket?

If I were an ice cream server, I'd secure your scoop to the cone firmly with my mouth

Artists are cursed to be good with paint but not neat with it ... 🤦‍♀️🫟

I would like a little credit for never having asked any of you for jumper cables

Our king-sized bed is more than we need so we’ve rented out space for archival storage and small engine repair

Can God create a Cheeto so hot that he can't eat it?

Those who don’t learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it I am not even sorry you read this

Well at least this conga line is moving

In the 1990’s you couldn’t buy a head of lettuce without a ponytail on it

The sketti deerlet

I can’t read or write but that hasn’t stopped me from making 10k posts.

Don't Lindsay-bash using gay slurs. It's fucking stupid, and tells me more about you than him. He was a genuine piece of shit. His sexual orientation had nothing to do with him being a piece of shit.

Only fans because I like the way they make my voice sound when I speak into them

Sometimes I see posts that hurt my heart (some are sick, some are depressed, some have sick family members, etc). Not everybody needs words and just want to get it out. That's why I always respond with a 💙 or two, to let you know I see you, I feel you and I'm thinking about you.

Resting bison face

Sorry I threw a floppy dildo at you

I get irked when older people say "I'm so glad my kids are grown, i wouldn't want to be raising kids right now. " Bitch, this is what you handed us. And your grown child is probably struggling too.

Simply asking for a resurgence of movies featuring enchanted mannequins in these troubling times

I bet if I got that racecar bed instead of the stupid one with the desk, my whole life would be on a different path filled with cocaine and success

Only fans because humidity makes me wanna shank a mutherfucker

I don’t care how old I get I’m never going to be as old as old people

I wonder if they’re having a closet casket for Lindsey Graham. Ooops, I mean closed casket.

The thing about hiking is if I can’t see our destination from the car then I’m not going

Mom’s blasting Madonna’s Erotica and the whole house smells faintly of salmon, so I guess she’s entertaining a gentleman caller.

Here’s the thing Sex in the City/Sexand the City who gives a fuck that show blows so hard I’ve never watched a full episode

the pale yellow and dark yellow labs are named egg white and egg yolk 😭😭😭😭

on your first day in the office at your new job make sure to sit confidently in a rolling desk chair, miss the chair entirely, and land flat on your ass your coworkers will respect and fear you

I’ve given up on organized packing. Everything is getting mixed together in whatever way best maximizes the use of box space, Tetris style

My dog just went to the vet and they told him he's the best boy - now I have receipts

“You’re a little firecracker aren’t you“ Me: m 80 💥

My mom called me at 11am while I was in a meeting and now isn't answering so I can only assume everyone in my family is dead and I missed their only call for help.

after Eve-gate and Snow White-gate I’m not sure why any woman would eat an apple have we learned nothing

my whole life is had to be there moments but im always alone and never there

is Lindsay going to get a 21 dick salute? Just asking questions …

I may go back to Twitter to burn it down

thinking on some things today and having some good banter is foreplay in my opinion

I wanna watch a movie about werewolves with rabies. It needs a catchy title.. like Werbies

why can’t these dumb tech bros focus on important things like wrist watches for cats so they know it’s not always time to eat

I just get these passionate urges like “I should make a nice wig outta all these willow tree clippings”… must be the creative in me

RIP, legend. “libera te tutemet ex inferis”

It’s always nice when enough time has passed & ppl who thought you were insane start 2 see you were kinda on the money

The first time I dropped acid I didn’t know because it was slipped to me against my will & they were laughing @ me cause I was being normal

Asked my Ma why she couldn’t have had me in the Summer cause I want birthday presents now

Someone’s selling a fuckin antique birdbath w a baby cherub mermaid inside the base is fuckin two entwined fish & shes holdin a fuckin starfish sittin in a fuckin clam shell fuck

is it tenacity, it’s tenacity isn’t it

First day of prison. I walk up to the biggest guy there and perform "All That Jazz" from Chicago. Everyone cheers. The warden calls it "a triumph."

is everyone drinking champagne at parties walking around holding in farts

People that think Pat Sajak is a good game show host obviously never saw Richard Dawson tongue fuck somebody's wife on national TV.

I’ve decided to be the relative that goes around speaking in a fake British accent some of the time