I hear you

blizzard on monday and 70s today, gotta love the midwest

TRUE LIFE: I’M STRAIGHT UP NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME

Pine lore: I got face powder in Peter Thiel’s eye when I was touching him up before an interview It’s my greatest accomplishment 🥹

sorry my kegel game is so strong i’ve been going to the Jim . folks,,

Bespoke just means I ran through you with a bicycle and I am not sorry you died.

clothes should only be made with material that doesn’t collect pet hair like these super comfy pants I’m wearing now A+

Copper thieves be like I love the wire

today I won the unspoken competition of being the first to announce a celebrity death at work

We took our daily walk through the Hall of Dead Earthworms today and said a solemn prayer for the drowned.

I regret to inform that your earnest explanations are futile. I will go with the magical and preposterous things that are visited upon me each night by demons as I sleep every time.

*smiles and nods in solidarity*

I don't want an AI boyfriend, I want a fuck machine with a sense of justice.

He's coming... eventually.

I went to therapy and now I feel better. if that’s not money well spent idk what is

Go on all you want about petrogeopolitics we’ve got the Straits of Hormel less than 150 miles from here. Pray your potted pork products continue to ply I 90 without foreign interference

the face of a girl who spoke to a room full of prosecutors at princeton today and explained “bluesky is like twitter but without nazis”

the maga idiots where i live don't know what to make of my camo pants. lesbian? ex-military? it's wonderful

Th Milwaukee Brewers of NCAA basketball 😭

The Patriarchy markets to youth....

chapsless ass is better than assless chaps . in this TedTalk i will

all herons wear capons hold on that can’t be right lemme try that again all h

another lay another holler

“Worst she can say is no” Bro, she said I look like someone tried to draw President Taft from memory

there’s a spider that gives oral before during and after mating up to 100 times so frankly some of you really need to up your game

Everything we say on the internet is being used to train their robots & those are gonna be some insane fuckin bots man

I feel like you & me would’ve walked the mile run in school together so nobody could laugh about our boobs bouncing

I wanna pack of Italian greyhounds who is getting me a pack of Italian greyhounds

My golden retriever used to poop rainbow poops cause my crayons were always all over the house. If I close my eyes I can hear my Ma yelling 4 me 2 put my shit away & that’s how I learned 2 clean up after myself

new episode of scrubs got me wanting a ChatGPT boyfriend they seem so agreeable

Savory Pond was the place to be yesterday if you needed to put rosin on the bends of your new hay forks to keep the grain from springing back ~

You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded theater but no one can stop you from yelling “I have diarrhea”

Lady on the highway was so concerned with not letting me merge in front of her that she rear ended the car she was behind. I hope she learned a valuable lesson today

A couple friends talked me out of getting a haircut today. Looks like the birds will have to find other nesting material

A bustling metropolis but it's just your mom's bed

killing him instead of dumping him so i can move on and he can’t❤️

There’s just something so pleasing about a lone hubcap on the shoulder of a winding dirt road

Before getting into bed with me, please gouge out your eyes and cut off your hands. This is just a casual thing.

Put my hearing aids in for the first time in a month, and holy shit is the world too loud

[me, at the dentist] dentist: everything good ? me (no): yes dentist: any issues ? me (yes): no dentist: you flossing ? me (not really): absolutely dentist: ok you’re good to go . here’s a toothbrush me: what dentist: what

Saw Bryce Harper congratulating every player on Team Venezuela last night post-game. That’s the way it’s done. Aside: I hate myself for giving props to Bryce Harper

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps that I bought with daddy's money.

I don't have crushes, I have retinal detachments.

Fuck the police, all cops are bad. Happy Wednesday

after Jeffrey Dahmer was busted with a head in his freezer, he tried to save face . he was up in arms. he didn’t have a leg to stand on. he

Nobody’s ever like “quick darling, I feel faint, bring me my smelling salts” anymore, which really sucks.

Listen up kiddos, things just change one day for no reason at all. The Stone Pony bathroom used to always have a complimentary bowl of tootsie rolls