at 11:11 on 11/11/11 I made the biggest wish of my life that never came true, and for that I am the most grateful

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

Fast car bf, plan to get us out of here gf

When posting good gets me on The View

Grandma hated fancy things, so I only talk to her on this Ouija Board I drew on the back of a Denny’s menu

She bouncing on it with the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball

Nothing is more urgent than my mother reaching me to let me know that someone I met once as a child has died

let girls marry their cats you cowards

The 80s were a time when Al Bundy, an idiot shoe salesman, could afford a 3 bedroom home in Chicago.

if y’all miss Twitter drama, go to Threads and search “stickergate”

Walrus potato does not care for your hurtful comparison.

the lunar beave looks so plump tn

Papa Smurf died because the Kahlua and bleach bottles both just say "smurf"

every Honda is special 🥹

I can name every type of car

(Cheerfully whistling whilst ladling hot gravy into Halloween sacks)

Just getting ready to watch the baseball game with 34 of my friends. Why, yes, I 𝘢𝘮 single!

that time again to share my spooky playlist (it’s been several years in the making, some of you have helped contribute to it) 🖤 open.spotify.com/playlist/6to...

Damn girl, this is the ass that was spoken of by the ancient ones

I hate gay Halloween. What do you mean you’re dressed as five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

it was the best of times it was the worst of times it was the why don’t doctors prescribe heroin for hysteria anymore of times

shoutout yankee candle 2 for 1 sales. one for eating, one for smelling. sometimes life is fair

these days the only cigs we have are diet cokes

Please stop saying “I don’t know who needs to hear this.” No one does. This is the internet

Is that an egg roll in your pocket or you just happy to see me? I’m really craving egg rolls.

White people be like let me turn on Steely Dan

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada, when we go down to the park to fight Canada geese. The winners eat the losers

yeah i'm tron tron to enjoy any movie that doesn't contain jared leto

Solsbury Hill came on and I wrote a complete 90s romcom in 4 minutes

Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!

bf: whatcha wanna watch me: eh, a comfort movie bf: (puts on a Tarantino flick)

I didn’t get to watch Tiger King on Netflix; I’m going to hold off until Tiger King the musical comes out.

the tumble setting on a dryer can be used to make cement but only once

I want my shipping tracking to say “your package has delivered but someone is running down the alley with it” we have the technology

this Lyft driver is blasting Black Eyed Peas at a quarter to six in the morning and honestly I’m here for it

You've heard of cocaine bear and cocaine shark, let me introduce you to the most destructive monster yet, COCAINE GOVERNMENT!

get you a man who has the word “cromulent” in his vocabulary

*seeing my birdwatcher friend stare at a squirrel* What the fuck are you doing?!

does anyone have a car I can have plz and thx

Lancelot would be a great name for a doctor who treats boils.

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

Sneaking into the rapture to fight god

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

do I remember the 21st night of September? I can’t remember if I took my meds this morning

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

I just walked up to a guy at work and said, “Hey Glen?” and he said, “It’s Glenn,” and I have no idea how he knows I missed the second, silent N.

you couldn't make Honey, I Shrunk the Kids today. those kids would be torn to shreds by a roomba

[my brain, 3:12 am] - jiminy cricket - flippity jibbet - rickety steps - skibidi rizz - ribbity jizz - flickery bits [sleeps through alarm]

Maybe if I didn’t still know all 3 verses of Semi-Charmed Life, I could remember one fucking password