wife: and this is me with the kids in Hawaii...their father isn't in the picture friend: that must be so tough on you me: to be clear, I took that photo

2026 Frank Sinatra: Stop spreading the news

Just finished ALIEN: EARTH because I am very hip and totally with the trends. Quick question: We aren't supposed to *like* Joe Hermit (the brother) are we?

Biblically accurate potato salad.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who's back so soon. Friday the 13th:

Who called it a funky bass solo instead of a Flea infestation?

Friday the 13th feels less threatening when you remember most bad decisions happen on a Monday.

I respect people who jog in the morning. Not enough to join them, but I respect it.

It has come to my attention that my loud coworker is days away from having a nuclear weapon

*artillery rains down around our trench* "Smoke 'em if you got 'em," Sarge growls. "Finally," I exclaim, arranging my cedar chips under a perforated tray of mussels.

it’s the middle of the week we could all use more butthole

professor x: what's your power? me: deflection professor x: bullets? gamma rays? me: criticism professor x: that’s a stupi— me: say, is that a new tie?

I adopted a dog from Iceland and everyone thinks he’s vicious, but his Bjork is way worse than his bite

There’s always a Starbucks drink that sounds like it spends the summer in the Hamptons.

I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs. Especially mine.

What wine pairs best with power? I want to be drunk with multiple things at once.

*making sounds of enjoyment while eating Reese's peanut butter cups* Husband: Sometimes I think you love those more than me. Me: Husband: Well? Me: *goes back to eating peanut butter cups*

If I get possessed, I hope the demon at least handles the things I’ve been avoiding.

Liking my posts counts towards your completionist bonus.

VC Andrews taught me that if something feels off, it is. And it’s probably hereditary.

The Lost Boys is what happens when red flags have great hair.

Quit trapping your thirsts. Sounds unhealthy.

Grateful for the posts that make me giggle

If loving cheese is wrong, I don’t want to be grate.

I like long, romantic walks away from the Super Bowl.

Tell me my short paragraph texts are annoying then proceed to ping me 20 times in 30 seconds

*loves you, just the way you are.

Boogers ARE funny. Shut. Up.

Lately, my emotional range is somewhere between “Jimmy crack corn” and “I don’t care.”

pulling your hair a little at lunchtime

If I were a dog, I’d probably always be barking up the wrong tree.

It’s ok if you don’t like my posts, I’ll be here all week.

Me: Who the hell do you think you are telling me how it's going to be? Random groundhog in my yard:

February, love is in the air. So is a deep desire to go home and lie down.

*bites your thigh to wake you up

Sometimes I sit by the window like I’ve lost the love of my life. But I’m just waiting for my DoorDash to arrive.

hosting a molotov cocktail party for the folks tap dancing on the graves of democracies

it’s nice to mute you too

When I explode under stress it’s a personality flaw, but if trees do it, it’s ‘science.’

I have behaved beautifully throughout January, which feels excessive given the conditions.

I never delete my posts, I eat them

Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me. Unless you tell me to go to bed. (I’m already in bed)

I tried to stay off social media today. Gave my brain a little break from the horror. I’ll catch tomorrow. Unfortunately.

*jumps for joy* *joy just out of reach*

There was no casual way to hear ‘Hoochie Mama.’ You either sat it out or made decisions you still defend.

I have been testing out releasing myself from false courtesy, and I am loving it.

“Are you mad at—“ Yes.

Who needs ChatGPT when your teen knows absolutely everything about everything?

While I’m confident Mary Tyler Moore would not like any of this, Lou Grant would be tossing furniture outta fuckin windows