December turns me into someone who believes a fat man with a beard can fix everything.

it should be illegal for me to have to get out from under the covers when i’m very cold

the cartoons we grew up with haven't changed. we have.

Always the dummy, never the ventriloquist.

“You seem really chill” I’m dead inside

devastated

Who wants a hot dog? (rhetorical)

CBS is toast. That’s really sad.

To learn, one must live. The Midnight Library, Haig

[on the phone] oh yes enough chopsticks for four people *winks at the cats*

Man, this weekend sucks

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

*pulls myself together* *throws my back out*

Santa doesn’t bother checking who’s naughty, he just asks for my follower list

Eat the rich. The poor are all tough and stringy.

the good that you do persists in this world

[during sex] Are you avoiding me?

puke and rally, but it’s just you reading the news, throwing up and trying to find the will to keep going

O, horrible, O, horrible, most horrible!

I’m either extremely productive or staring at the wall like I’m in a Victorian painting.

your waves against my shore

I was today years old when I learned your skircle is in fact not your butthole.

Girls who just want to have fun often grow up to be middle-aged women who just want to sleep.

shut up with the chicken “tendies” you fuckin dork you’re an adult

Kiss me, I smell like Funyuns

I cannot imagine the heartbreak of finding out that the person you love listens to The Doors.

Pack my bags and tell my dealer I’ll miss him…

Society really said “be yourself” and then immediately turned it into a problem.

Dentist: have you been flossing? Me: why do we play this game?

when I see someone driving really fast I think oh poor fella probably has diarrhea

Woke up with a great butthole again.

Life’s too short to bite sealed pistachios

A part of my 9-year-old self died with that photo of KISS at the White House.

It smells like the Sunday scaries in here.

I don’t hold grudges, I just remember everything forever like a spiteful little historian.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Don't talk to me while I'm listening.

Spotify just reminded me I played one song 257 times like a deranged Disney character.

Me: i like you. Her: I like when you’re not around.

Spotify says I have the taste of an 83 year old which is bullshit because I don’t even like Werther’s

Christmas doesn’t truly begin until stores remind us Easter is basically tomorrow.

Mommy Dearest taught me you can be unhinged, dramatic, and still have flawless eyebrows.

SON: Can I have a cookie? ME: Ask nicer. SON: May I please have a cookie? ME: Like a Canadian. SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child. ME: *hands over cookie*

Christmas card idea: i’ll choke you but I ain’t no killer baby happy harlowdays

Long romantic walks to the rotisserie section because my standards are warm, reliable, and ready in 30 minutes.

Every Thanksgiving, I realize my true talent is pretending I know what to do in the kitchen.

I keep expecting a narrator to step in during Thanksgiving and explain what went wrong.

The Legend of Zelda taught me that if life gets hard, I should just cut grass for money.