I’m cool with No Nut November as long as it’s followed by Cummy Christmas and Jizzy January

Sometimes, I show up to kids’ soccer practice with a cane and act like the town elder delivering bad news.

Things I'm good at on Bluesky: liking and re-posting Skeets. Skeets from myself: not so much.

I’ve learned that if grandma laughs, I probably shouldn’t have said it.

An app that lets you block phone notifications from a crush you're trying to get over if the post is too adorable

I can’t poop with a hat on.

I’m at my most badass when I pick up stuffed animals in stores that have fallen on the ground and put them back with their friends.

This is not an inspirational account. Punch someone if you need to

Karen Carpenter wasn't even real guys. She was just a piece of gossamer, she was a fragrant phantom, a piece of delicate fabric stitched together from all our silly hopes and dreams of the 70s. She was too precious for this world

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

I am not afraid of dead people, I am afraid of living ones.

I’m not everyone’s cup of tea because I’m actually not tea at all I’m a shot of patron on an empty stomach

[Catholic church] *priest hands out "What To Expect At Your Exorcism" Husband: Babe, this isn't counseling Me: You said you'd try anything

A couple of regulars came in with a friend. That friend looked like Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall.” I told him, “you’re too beautiful, get the fuck out of here.”

I’ve spent more than 10,000 hours in posting & I still haven’t mastered shit.

Thinking back, Little Red Riding Hood saw a wolf in a nightgown and still said, “Grandma?”

Every day I wake up and choose to make things harder than they need to be.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

Welcome to your 40s. You now pull a muscle when you stretch.

Dear Mike Johnson: Keep digging. It's working great.

90s kids didn’t go to therapy. We just yelled “INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE” and kept it moving.

ME: wow it gets dark so early now MY UBER PASSENGER: please open your eyes

I respect General Hospital because they don’t even pretend to know what year it is anymore.

Inside me there are two wolves and they are both assholes.

Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?

Do vampires go bobbing for Adam’s apples?

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

It never ceases to amaze me

Looking forward to my annual "Why is it so dark already? What time is it? It feels like midnight at 5:00 p.m.!" rant that the end of daylight savings brings.

One day I will be able to wash a ladle and not spray water all over myself but today is not that day.

November’s only been here five minutes and it’s already too November.

I’ll never enjoy the holidays as much as Mariah Carey does, and I’m okay with that.

My mother waited, her mother waited, her mother’s mother waited until after Thanksgiving to decorate. I broke tradition with a strand of Christmas lights.

In retrospect, it is not great to have mountains of candy just laying around the house.

Diving into some of the weirdest freaks I’ve ever looked at, British Royal Family Guys

Bro, I know babies that create better content in their diapers than you do on your social media.

Every October, I still look for the kid I used to be, running down the street in a plastic mask.

Remember when the scariest part of Halloween was mom checking your candy?

The weird sounds coming from the bedroom are just me trying on some jeans.

November’s only been here five minutes and it’s already too November.

[Tinder] Jason Voorhees, 79 · 𝟣 𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝕒𝕨𝕒𝕪 ᴄᴀᴍᴘ ᴄʀʏsᴛᴀʟ ʟᴀᴋᴇ Strong, silent type with lakefront property. Loves long walks through the woods. • Interests: Machetes, camp counselors. ꜰᴀᴠᴏʀɪᴛᴇ ᴅᴀʏ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ʏᴇᴀʀ: 𝔉𝔯𝔦𝔡𝔞𝔶 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝟏𝟑𝔱𝔥.

I’ll take some sunshine and laughter, to go.

I told myself I’d be chill this Halloween. Then bought a fog machine and lost all control.

For Halloween I'm dressing up like a slutty middle aged woman in a sexless, loveless, completely non-communicative marriage. (puts on robe)

me: have i told you about the ti-- all my friends: YES!

If you plan to help out the hungry, do so without a camera.

Of course I live in the past, have you seen the present?

Movie theater Me: pass the popcorn Monster under my seat: ya know…there's nothing wrong with going places alone

I don’t have any answers, but I do have a few good questions.

*drives 300 miles to see leaves that have already fallen* neat