This is my favorite #Caturday meme and I dont care if no one gets it

The Roomba carved a perfect crop circle in the rug. It stands in the center at dawn.

imagine waking up on a saturday and thinking "i'm gonna start a fight on the internet."

i don't have links to any of my posts in my bio because you're welcome

TOMORROW YOU WILL GRAB THE SUN WITH BOTH HANDS AND DEVOUR IT. FOR NOW HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY?

Go fuck yourself! Ask me how.

It is important for me to live close to public transit because I communicate telepathically with the city buses while I sleep.

But I meant fuckface in a good way

Told my therapist Good Will Hunting was a movie made to troll folks you felt responsible for but didnt like & I think he took it personally.

It wasn’t funny anyway.

Ready for moar coffee..

My pants. They are very cranky today.

If you come to me for advice, my first suggestion is and will always be: Have you tried voodoo?

It's still freaks me out that other people have opinions.

No one ever talks about Schrödinger's other pets

The yearn is out lobotomies are in

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings

In the time before smart phones we’d spend these hours placing needles on vinyl and chucking rocks at streetlights

I hope whoever liberates us is very sexy.

[writing a yelp review] I specifically asked for no tomatoes but they put tomatoes anyway so I accidentally ate a piece of tomato and I can’t stop fucking gagging and farting

If humans are the product of alien intervention, then...they done fucked up.

my therapist has been referred to your therapist hah I win

(involuntarily offline for 12 hours) this little maneuver is gonna cost us 56 internet years

financial freedom comes with a check engine light on

“It’s the thought that counts.” Cute. Try paying bills, carrying boxes, or proposing with thoughts, then move in a thought house.

I write exclusively for those willing to read my posts

STRENGTH CRUSHES ENEMIES! HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR MEDICATIONS?

back in my day, beans used to be a lot cooler

Quick question: What base is it when your therapist uncancells your appointment?

My musical taste might best be described as whatever was left after people made me listen to crap I hated.

If your minister doesn’t bring up the DOW going over 50,000 in the sermon this morning, can you really even call yourselves christians

i say things and then i say other things and that’s bsky for ya

I think it must be quite nice to be a crow, you get to fly and swoop, do a lot of hopping, sit at the top of tall trees, and shout “Grrrk-Grrrk-Grrrk.” Nuffin’ wrong with that.

I’ll let a faucet go on dripping for years. It’s like an old friend

Your honor, I'd like to plead "it seemed like a good idea at the time"

Smokey Bear laid some heavy responsibility down on us when we were kids, man.

only the weirds will survive

Some people like squishy middles. Some people like burnt corners. What I’m saying is if you unhinge your lower jaw you can eat it all at once

Butts

I need more time to do all the nothing I want.

Entering the steampunk age simply because no one can afford to buy new computers for the next five years.

"TAKE YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES OFF" ~Me being romantic on Valentines Day

hate the haters, fuck with the fuckers, steal from the thieves

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, so remember, a heart-shaped pizza is just a way to give you less pizza.

Them: are you busy? Me, reading the documentation on how to publish my shitposts as a Roku screensaver: yes

Moar coffee. All teh coffeez.

Social media is a lot less fun with big brother out there scrutinizing your posts.

I wonder if the devil knows how much people love his ham and eggs

*deep drag on a cigarette* We're due for another Beatlemania craze