My ma had some fun & useful things published! Im so proud of her. www.amazon.com/s?k=D%20K%20...

not a lot I expect to change next year, except my drawers

i offered you the bones of my enemies pls respond

I’m so white, I remember when kids were told to ask a cop for help if they felt unsafe

I’m throwing a few at the wall seeing which ones stick.

There should be forms of adult verification other than those associated with chronological age. For example, people should have to prove they know what a joke is before being allowed to reply.

25,000 horses are slaughtered every year to make Arby's horsey sauce. That's one horse per quart.

As a kid I always knew I wanted to stare at the ceiling in the middle of the night, overthinking everything I can’t control

Someday it is going to be one diarrhea too far and my building manager is going to find just a deflated husk in my apartment all sad and alone.

when you only get one sock back from the dryer, its sadness and woe will be unending until it is reunited with its mate

Was wondering what one is supposed to do when you know the problem and its answer honestly dont matter, but then I came here to scroll nonsense. ...Fair.

Me: You're an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill. Grubhub driver: Uhhh...

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Two people disagreed with me online. How am I ever gonna live again???

You're probably busy decking the halls right now. Slut.

Its always funny to me when folks are too high to be on the internet like, yea man, that was a joke, and theyre all "But it was sincere or whatever, so I took it seriously" Goddamn potheads.

You can tell Im gen x cuz I still cant tell the difference between Boston & Journey

I don’t know what you people expect from, I have not written even a half-intelligible sentence since at least 1989

first date idea: watch the Doors movie together and then flip a coin to see who gets to drown the other one

So then I said "AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE" And everyone laughed. The End

My festive eye twitch has started.

Who else up early wrestling with the crushing weight of humanity’s bleak existence?

How the Grinch Stole Yo Bitch

bold of you to assume I have contacts Bluesky

no i’m not an introvert i just don’t like anybody

You're morbid (complimentary)

SHELVE YOUR WAR HAMMER, TODAY YOU WILL BATTLE HUNGER. AND YOU WILL WIN.

In a rare noise making mood. Plz enjoy responsibly or whatever. www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV78...

It comes to a point where you stop blaming mental illness and just accept the fact that this world wasn't built for you.

Did you know there's a whole, entire channel on the Roku called Nature Moments and it's just soothing videos of nature to have on in the background while you scroll and enjoy a lavender and hemp candle?!

A day dumber than usual.

Sure I have problems, but I also have cheese, so I’ll be fine.

I found a chocolate-chip horsehead in my bed. I bet it was left there by a cookie mobster.

Bad things happen in threes. Also every other combination of numbers.

HARDER baby! Hit me harder with that fuckin shovel

Sorry. I guess my ability to think of tweets, even my usual bad ones, is also on vacation.

You’ll Never Take Me Alive Charlie Brown

Need a big air dryer to come out of the ceiling and dry me off after a bath. Like the car wash.

if you ever lose something try looking literally right in front of your fucking face that’s where i find most of my lost stuff

The best part of depression is denial.

Me: “When I eat Alphabet Soup, I only eat the vowels.” Coworker: “Why?” Me: “Sometimes.”

Your last saved meme is your moral philosophy. Basically, yea.

BATTLE AWAITS. TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS.

Its that time of year again! Remember kiddos, The Darkness cant take you if you have blackout curtains!

Life hits different when you realize you dont look young enough to not have kids.

If all the skeets you've reposted are in the popular with friends category it means you are your only friend.

I created my first candy cane shiv of the holiday season. No one got hurt. Much.

I'll pass on the year in review.

solving all problems by responding “what are you a weirdo”