Wile E. Coyote is a super genius but can't figure out how gravity works? Ok, buddy.

pretty cool that even after 4.5 billion years we still know which day is earth’s birthday

Splashing pickle juice in the eyes of my enemies

pick up a piece of trash in honor of earth day you piece of trash

You say potato. I say potato. Now we're both just screaming potato at each other. This social experiment has failed.

Just once, I’d like to be at the beginning of my rope.

judge: the jury finds the defendants GUILTY as charged bunch of crows: what

Dr: so what brings you here today? Me: my car duh dr

Posting nonsense y'all

“They all can’t be bangers” I tell myself during morning meditation

NO, I WILL NOT SIT ON THE BOARD. I WILL SHIT ON THE BOARD.

Dude at my door incessantly knocking and following it up with "I know you're in there!": You fuckin' SEGWAY'D into my neighborhood. Not sure how you hauled ALL THAT audacity.

I didn’t forget, I remembered at the wrong time.

date someone who wears cargo shorts so they can carry around the turkey legs at the ren faire

had a dream last night i landed a double kickflip and then posted about it so here i am fulfilling the part i can do

I dunno, man. Pulling teeth is MUCH easier than this bullshit.

Don't judge someone by the meds they take, you may very be the reason they're taking them.

I’m awake and now I’m about to make it your problem

sorry I haven’t been online lately been trying to open this childproof cap

Oh, am I following you? Do you have any idea how that happened? Let's fix that.

The steel guitar bridge in a Hank Williams song gives you time to think about what you’ve gone and done

My favorite bird that sounds like a guy just absolutely giving up after a long day trying to install new brake pads in his Ford Explorer is the frigate bird

OWN YOUR PUNS. INTEND THEM.

okay i’ve managed the insurmountable i’ve put on pants

soon i’ll be at a kid’s bday party snorting rails of pixy stix off the ass of chuck e cheese

This coffee tastes like three scoops of Folgers in a trench coat and fez, dude

My superpower is answering a reply then realising what it actually meant ten minutes later.

Why face the music when I can just listen to it.

In the future, we can look forward to even more explosive diarrhea.

Wanting to do things and not wanting to do things in equal amounts

I’m going to start calling my Steam wishlist my Wistful Listfull

We should… ah whatever, nevermind

This should be fun. It isn't, but it should be.

if I knew hot people could still feel depressed and unloved I would have chosen to be smart instead

pee before you leave carpe peeem

YOU CANNOT GRIND THE BONES OF YOUR ENEMIES INTO DUST TOMORROW IF YOU DO NOT TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS.

you gonna eat that chip on your shoulder

Me & Soot for Caturday. She is missed.

Anyone else wanna claw their own eyes out? #NotFromTheAtrocitiesOfTheWorldJustAllergies

Working up a sweat as I grind my teeth into a fine powder

I almost posted something political, and I apologize. I know how it begets and all that

Ask not for whom the baja blasts; it blasts for thee

I'm just saying, it wouldn't take me 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 long into the desert to give that horse a fucking name...

Mom: you know you can only be a fuck up for so long Me: was that a challenge? Mom: no that wasn't a ch- Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

full-figured corn dog

Me: I was told that witches ride a broom but the baba yaga rides in a mortar and pestle. Soooo... You: I see. Hm. I'm not sure that explains your chainsaw roller skates?

Don’t think of the thing you don’t want to think about. Don’t integrate that strand that flickers that way because it would be harmful.