Our cats as cocktails, based on immediate consensus: Oldest Child: Whiskey Sour Youngest Child: Fireball Only Child: Mad Dog 20/20 Middle Child: Chocky Milk

The longer American fascism drags on, the better I understand why people turn to witchcraft. 🧹

I've had actual arguments with people about "Separating art from the artist." There's no separating this. Like Idk what to tell you, but trans people should be more important to you than like dobby the elf or whatever

“Know thyself” - Ancient Greek proverb “Six” - How many pizza lunchables I can eat in one sitting

I forget what it was I said in court today but it promoted the Gen Z clerk to respond “what in the Millennial hell was that”

>Lemix phase 5 launches >can use new thread item to create gear up to ilvl 779 or some shit >can only get threads by scrapping ilvl 740 gear >geared up to 740 2 months ago >have been slowly collecting motes that make 740 gear for past 2 months just in case they’re useful later >have 2684 motes >mfw

Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel. didn’t say shit about no Hobbit cartoon 😎

Dream: gf and I are at drive through Everytime we order something, speaker says “uhhh sorry we just ran out of that” Eventually, exasperated, gf and I order most basic thing on menu “Uhhhh sorry our system is actually down right now….” Wordlessly, gf opens passenger door, gets out, and walks away

Fellas, get you a gal who looks at you like

Seeing what my girlfriend packed for her lunch today almost psy blasted me to the floor

If after we blow your boat up you still float, you are a witch, so we can kill you. If you drown you are not a witch.

[showing up to DM]: Bienvenidos, power bottoms! [leaving after the game]: Auf Wiedersehen, service tops! *based on a true story

*shows meme to girlfriend* “Oh look it’s youngest child!” *receives death glare*

remember: columbo isn't a cop. he's a fae with a strong sense of justice, who shows up to crimes and glamours people into thinking he's a cop. that's why he doesn't carry a gun: the cold iron

Rippin’ cotton in the emergency room with my girlfriend who is having a legendarily bad tummy ache Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Revelations and Betrayal in the D&D group chat today

It's absurd to say a president can't do something because of the Constitution when we have a president openly talking about running for a third term, a Republican majority in the House and Senate, and a stable of SCOTUS justices who cowardly capitulate to the agenda of the far right.

If you see this, qtp with a pic from your gallery to describe your mental health

First shared Lego couple’s project - complete ✅

My girlfriend is “helping” me put together the awesome Lego set she got me for my birthday, and on the one hand she is 100% playing with the Legos while I watch her, but on the other hand I’m just so happy she likes Legos too XD

🎶 Let’s make the most of the night Like we’re gonna die young 🎶

Do kids still say “lol”? Am I aging myself texting with the family yung’uns?

Turning into my father one "the problem is no one reads enough books these days" grumble at a time

Greatest pipeline of all time is the “surely it can’t be that bad” to “oh god oh no it’s so much worse than I thought” pipeline

Progression of Watching a TikTok about iPhone Pockets: “Idk what that is, maybe it’s like a smaller phone or something” “$230 doesn’t sound bad for a phone” “Wait ‘a sock for carrying phones’ is it like a thing to protect your phone from scratches in purses or something” “Oh fuck me it’s a sock”

Pizzagate: If you replace the word “hot dog” with “little boy” and “pizza party” with “child sex orgy,” you will see the lengths these elites go to cover up their crimes. Real elite emails: Send me nude pictures of those 8th graders we abused last weekend post-haste! I am the Ambassador to Turkey.

One of my favorite interactions with my girlfriend’s cats is loudly accusing them of being “stinky ragamuffin-ass freeloaders” when I walk into a room and see them lounging around Their feelings seem entirely unaffected

Man, I am *up to some bullshit* in this next session I’m DMing

Proud of my drunk self last night for remembering to run the dishwasher

One time when I was drunk I screamed at a fellow groomsman that the Edmund Fitzgerald going down in a lake was a “skill issue”

Alright, so Disco Elysium: When you first play the game, you’re probably trained on DnD alignment thinking and you rush for affiliation with political ideology But the second time around, you better understand Harry, and understanding Harry, you understand politics are a coping mechanism for him

Cozy night in drinking wine and replaying Disco Elysium. Simple as.

I do not refrigerate pizza I order pizza, I eat pizza, and if I’m full before I finish, I leave it out on the counter and eat it later And if I don’t manage to eat the pizza in a span of 24 hours, *I don’t get to eat the pizza*

BREAKING: Government in Thrown Sandwich trial referencing little known legal principle seemingly called “Cole’s Law”

I’m convinced once you get to a certain age your brain gets chronologically stuck in a specific year in terms of how you judge relative time (how many decades ago, what movies or games only just came out, etc.) For me, it’s always 2015

Thinking of starting a travel blog where I exclusively rate toilet paper in publicly accessible restrooms

There are some charges that pop up in someone’s record like “glue sniffing” or “counterfeit lottery ticket” and when you see them you’re not even mad you’re like “hell yeah brother”

Incredibly funny to watch the right wing going Oh so just because I love money and hate poor people I'm a bad Christian according to "the pope"???

ICE is thug trash.

Y'all the pope just told us to touch grass

Meet my new best friend, Barny B. Jones

At what point do we all collectively agree this is a prion disease or something and just kind of Cask of Amontillado 40% of the U.S. population

one of the reasons voters believe the caricatures of the democratic party pushed by republicans is because the democratic party itself believes in the caricatures of the democratic party pushed by republicans

Reading The Devils by Joe Abercrombie right now and (1) it’s fantastic, alternate history late medieval / early renaissance vibes Europe but with necromancers and elves and child-Popess magical prodigies but (2) it’s also very Pratchett-esque?? Like Pratchett by way of Abercrombie’s grim dark. A++

Four books to get to know me

Gaslighting my girlfriend at the Farm Pumpkin Halloween Thing that I think something is watching us from the wood line and following us only to drop two hours in that I hope the glowing yellow eyes peering at us from the shadows don’t belong to a sexy booktok werewolf boyfriend

So I’ve been playing the shit out of Legion: Remixed I have thoughts But summary is it’s pretty darn good, also Blizzard needs to use this model of loot progression in retail, it is so much better than retail’s

My girlfriend and I have a Hades/Persephone thing going where she gets to keep the house at 75 for Spring and Summer but I get to not turn the heat on in Fall and Winter Yep exactly like that one myth

Silent Hill type story where your wife’s left you and everyone recoils and flees from you when you’re in public, obligatory fake memories twist towards the end shows that every time you thought you were brushing your teeth, you were just watching TikToks in front of the bathroom mirror