The rose petal scene from American Beauty but it’s me covered in potato chips.

If you’ve ever used an erect penis to hang a towel on please repost.

We're all just crushin'.

Well how naughty were you exactly?

I'm becoming my true authentic self and she's cringe as fuck actually.

the good thing about winter is that if I wear the right hoodie I don’t have to wear a bra to the grocery store

whenever i watch an old timey movie and see the small handbags the ladies would carry all i can think is “that would never hide a rotisserie chicken”

& so it begins...

The toilet gave me a yearly wrap-up of my bowel movements (mostly diarrhea).

not to be too horny on here but if someone wants to “old yeller” me

the slippery slope, the razor’s edge when the urge to give a sensible answer to an obvious joke overcomes you and suddenly you see it. the reply guy is you.

History will certainly view this as the stupidest fuckin time ever.

bucket of chicken before sex because foreplay is overrated and drumsticks are not.

the good thing about vibrators is that you can throw it in the drawer when you’re done and not talk to it the rest of the day

some skeets are growers not showers.

if I say im cool with it theres a 50% chance im cool with it

Wife, chanting: DOG STYLE SEX. DOG STYLE SEX Husband: not tonight babe. I guess I just don’t feel like a lowly beast enough

Netflix just acquired Sesame Street (after HBO did not)

I saw Mommy pegging Santa Claus

you call it songs, i call it therapy

You can shimmy down my chimney if you wanna

I won a cheese wheel in a holiday drawing if you’re looking for a winner

Your honor, I plead oopsie daisy

Can’t wait for Christmas to get here so I can ramp my depression up to 11.

Not to brag, but I was in the top.06% of NOFX listeners this year on Spotify, because as far as I’m concerned, it’s still 1995.

renaming my vagina vecna because its had many names and makes a squishy sound when it walks.

people who start sentences with funny story is why I have trust issues.

I’d let you park your car in my garage

my cat just gave me the you're really gonna skeet that look. the fact shes imaginary only makes it worse.

It’s motherfuckers in sweatpants season.

that moment when you realize you’ve eaten more of something than you should have but there’s not enough left to leave for anyone else so it’s like ok here we go

imagining sex with you -no, less me

if you lower your standards just a tiny bit…then yes, i can fold a fitted sheet

If everybody on bluesky chipped in one dollar, we wouldn't be able to do that much. It's gonna have to be ten dollars to make a real difference.

i’m on here a lot for someone who doesn’t skeet or reply even… that much

ties you up and makes you listen to me sing karaoke

there’s a kid in my daughters class claiming santas not real, so I told her we'll just ask bluesky. the adults will handle it from here.

People don't have seltzer bottles at the ready as much as they used to.

*knocks on your window at 5am to make sure I’m the first thing you think about when you wake up

The problem with many hobbies is they’re a way to meet people

in no way was having the last 2 days off a vacation.

ME: (shivering, stripped naked and tied to a chair) Drag queens have pretty privilege… CIA AGENT: Again. Do another. ME: Please, I can’t, I— CIA AGENT: (dousing me with a bucket of ice water) Another take! Hotter! ME: (sobbing) Dating someone who needs glasses is a predatory power imbalance…

Decorated a turkey and put a Christmas tree in the oven

Getting stuffed like a turkey would fix me.