Womp- and I cannot stress this enough- womp

A bidet, but for my brain

Current circumstances exceed the functional limits of my medication

cracking open a cold one with the boys

There is a man deadlifting in a polo shirt and khakis right now. He's right. It IS business.

I have daughters in their early 20s and to see men my age like, follow, and repost women that age is so creepy and gross.

maybe the ai is telling them to build all these surveillance centers, oh sorry “data centers”to super heat the planet to kill all of us off

If you like a skeet with a spelling error and it gets deleted and reposted, you’re legally required to like it again

okay but like, just how much surveillance have we already agreed to?

I’ve realized that a major obstacle in my career has been that I’m not a very good ass-kisser.

normalize hot dogs being healthy for my body so I can eat more of them

It's a beautiful day to hate Chris Pratt

I think I’m developing an allergy to being out in public.

Life is too short and dick too abundant to be stressing, ho -me, to me

“In this country, we have no ‘other people.’ We are American people, all of us.” This 1940s film warning against bigotry and fascism is more relevant now than ever.

it’s like my grandpa used to say, if you don’t learn form your past it will fuck you in the ass…i’m paraphrasing but you get it

I am hoping to break a few bones in a car accident for the settlement money.

Once you're cursed, it's hard to be around the non-cursed

living in a pineapple under the sea sounds really nice

Listen to People Just Love to Play with Words on your streaming service tidal.com/track/193618...

My favorite part of The Odyssey is when he kept saying he’s a Dapper Dan man.

like my grandma used to say “jesus, fucking christ! i mean holy moly!”

Listen to People Just Love to Play with Words on your streaming service tidal.com/track/193618...

she was all willy, no nilly

she was all sloppy, no joe

she was all pros, no cons

Only the strongest will remember to honour Wizard Wednesday

"Hurt" is the 40 year old back's natural state. Only through consistent effort can it become pain free.

if your mind is always in the gutter, it’s easier for others to see your butthole

Sometimes it strikes me that the declining state of the world can, in a very meaningful way and on several levels, be traced directly to reality tv.

Last time I came over your weird brother started pulsating at an unsettling frequency

squatting down for a super long time and standing up way too fast, really is underrated

Things are so expensive now "Pimp My Ride" is called "Maintain My Vehicle"

If you cannot romanticize a grocery store run, a thunderstorm, or my left shoulder in candlelight then what exactly are we doing here, bro?

it’s a 2 popsicle night for sure

no yeah, what do i know, i used to think margarine tasted okay

stoning people isnt fun but getting stoned is. science

just follow these simple instructions and you’ll be on your way to more disposable income

respectfully of course, but like, what the actual fuck?! what the fuck is it going to take?!

can’t trust crabs, they are too easily impersonated

bluesky huh, is this what U2 was singing about?

title of my self help book ohh i’m sorry, it’s all about me

this life hack of never leaving the house is saving me from all kinds of interactions

Eating nothing but canned tuna until I have mercury poisoning.

the way shitposters have to live under the thumb of big butthole disgusts me

My Sunday night dancing partner

Kids on e-bikes will never appreciate pedaling your ass so hard until the pedal slips and slams into your shin

In my ✨hermit era ✨✨✨