Another lesson I’ve learned from all this is to be more suspicious of friends who are extremely good at staying in touch and taking pictures at every social gathering

Another lesson I’ve learned from all this is to be more suspicious of friends who are extremely good at staying in touch and taking pictures at every social gathering

imagine today being the day that you finally realize trump is a racist

the doomscrolling has never been doomier

I quit :)

I feel personally attacked

do you ever eat something and then imagine it being identified in your stomach by a coroner

While gently holding my sister’s chin, she said, “mother, you are a very small lady” (it’s true)

My boss was out sick for a couple days and I almost thought I liked my job but now she’s back and I might kms

Making a to-do list. Therapy is #9

I have a frozen boiled egg in my pocket

Dadaism is a world war indicator

Fyi you’re not a “90s kid” if you were born in 1999

I’ll just post shit my 4 y/o niece says bc she’s funnier than me

My niece was watching K-pop Demon Hunters, and when I remarked, “Oh, there’s a boy group, too,” she said, “Those are not boys! Those are guys.”

Those trucks that quack when they back up I see you, girl

The feminine urge to buy a bunch of used CDs before the Digital End Times befall us

PETA is a psyop

Does this mean it won’t do the thing where it gets all high and tight like it’s trying to squeeze the balls back inside

while I’m being cranky, access journalism needs to go. When the president does his “I’m alpha because I insulted you” thing somebody needs to fall on his sword and say “what the fuck is wrong with you, old man?” on a hot mic. the hero of the wizard of Oz is Toto.

I think I need Botox because my eyebrows won’t stop expressing themselves against my will

This might be an unpopular opinion but what this baby seal is doing is very special to me, personally.

If you’re a union organizer hmu

I am on one rn ngl

I can’t do this anymore and I need options other than die

A single ball of falafel is called a falafum

I’d rather not date someone with the same name as my ex but unfortunately that excludes 50% of all men

they can’t keep giving us hours

are we allowed to talk about how communism is good again yet or is that still, like, off limits

theyre calling them the uncoolest pieces of shit of all time

The most reliable red flag I’ve encountered in dating is a fedora. I tried to be open minded, but the circumstantial evidence is piling up

A bumper sticker that says “body on board”

what do men put in totes

Defunding SNAP is class warfare

Defunding SNAP is class warfare

Let’s fix that

bill maher has passed away after being made to shut up for five god damn minutes this evening. doctors say the comedian and talk show host likely died of a "broken heart" which they note was "black as coal" and "no bigger than an acorn" though it rolled under a cabinet before measurements were taken

For medical reasons I will now hit you with a hammer

You might think living by the water would be peaceful, but the horrors I hear at night during low tide…. 😳

HE’S FIRED AND DISGRACED ASFUCK AHAHAHAHAHAAH

Things I have been called lately Ally They Woman Doctor Velma

thanks ?

Bluesky still never beating the allegations.

What’s funny about me joking to my boss that I was gonna be his boss one day is that NAH BITCH IMA GET YOU FIRED LMAO

Sometimes you are the nonchalant dachshund and sometimes you are the relentless bird

My family def has a group chat that I’m not in. Good.

I’m falling off the bones

Caught him taking dead wife flashback footage of me 😞

When I grow up I want to be a wealthy international secret society honeypot spy tradwife black widow shadow government agent

Handkerchief is a horrendous word