When I grow up I want to be a wealthy international secret society honeypot spy tradwife black widow shadow government agent

Handkerchief is a horrendous word

I used to take Tylenol regular style but now I take it as an Overt Political Statement

But those are my emotional support spiders

tfw ur outside the will

I have my mother’s nose and my fathers ability to always be talking mad shit

Hey Trump do Bill Maher next

tfw ur outside the will

Fat walrus in the pool. A mammal outside the will.

Remember to check on your basic bitches. They might be thrust into historical significance at any moment

There should be an international holiday to celebrate the inventor of pesto

I’m being detained at the McDonald’s I’m being exonerated at the Dairy Queen I’m being framed by the FBI at the combination McDonald’s/Dairy Queen

We must stop Green Mountain from making coffee until we figure out what the hell is going on

Babybel cheese implies the existence of Adultbel cheese

*kills dentist* [to 4 other dentists] how about you? would you recommend trident?

I love teaching my Chinese coworker about the world. Like walruses and Scientology

For medical reasons I will now hit you with a hammer

Here’s an idea how about someone makes a satisfying video of that dumpling maker gadget working really well. I think we’ve earned it

Does the Trending tags section always look like the worst We Didn't Start The Fire verse

Is it his love language to make me cry

Yeah, he sucked, and good riddance, but also, let’s get our priorities in order. There’s this other guy

The answer is no, it’s impossible to understand Post Malone

Will I understand Post Malone if I haven’t seen Pre Malone

Wendigos-only bathroom

There should be an international holiday to celebrate the inventor of pesto

There are no clocks in public spaces anymore :(

The Trump stroke just went viral

Clam should be spelled clamb

LOOK AT HER LITTLE FACE

Linty toilet paper should be illegal

Seeking an emotionally avoidant cynical person with an inactive lifestyle who doesn’t text back

Why does it feel so good to yawn loud

If you’re mad you can stay mad because I’m not sorry

If I had a photographic memory I’d be peeking at everyone’s credit cards

I will never be good at this thumb typing bullshit why is this life now

This is like Catch Me If You Can if Leo was a woman who didn’t steal money and just wanted to fly a little airplane a little bit sometimes people.com/mans-small-p...

which end is the business end and what do you call the other end

American Eagle

I was killing ants and I accidentally killed a little spider and I got sad

wrantch jressing

Bahahaha

I hate when ppl call it “java” shut up yuppie

microdosing 2017 by breaking out the fidget spinners

vitamin d maxxing (drinking milk in the sun)

Exposed this old scraggly plant to extreme abuse and neglect and found out that it can flower?

They should call it an everywhere bagel. Cuz it gets everywhere

Hey is there any way we can train doctors not to be condescending pricks and to consider that patients may have valid insights about their own bodies and that reading medical papers as a layperson is not a crime? God forbid I google the side effects of the drugs I’m prescribed!

“Never mind, it’s ok, he’s supposed to look like that” - The New York Times