doctor: get ready to say "aah" me: why are we on the roof

KID: hey mister can i pet your dog? ME: sure kid KID: what kind is he? ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt

Me: There's no lamb Chef: Then grill the chicken Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

[interrupting opponent during rap battle] That’s not my name. No one calls me that

Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

[restaurant] waiter: would you like water? me: yes please waiter: still? me: I literally just said yes

LAUREN BACALL: you just put your lips together and blow HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren

Genie: you have 17 wishes Me: isn't it normally 3?? Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

Wife: use the newspaper to get that spider down Me *reads the news out loud* Spider *depressed* holy shit

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date* McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

Me: how do I do my taxes Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance

[making pizza rolls] instructions: heat them up me: yes instructions: let them cool me: no

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known Me: Yes, I wrote that

Bouncer at exclusive underground club: what's the secret handshake? Me: [does the secret handshake] Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication? Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake] Bouncer: come on in

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

Merry Christmas everyone!

waiter: are there any allergies at the table? me (already drunk): BEES

MARY: i think the baby is coming JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part

female mantis: pray, love, eat

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?” -guy who invented sports

911: what is your emergency ME: i need a hug 911: hold please

Doctor: you suffer from delusions Me: I don't think so Doctor: they seem real but they're not Stuart Little: he's lying to you Me: I know

Doctor: you suffer from delusions Me: I don't think so Doctor: they seem real but they're not Stuart Little: he's lying to you Me: I know

Me: Is this your first time speed-crying? Him: You mean speed-dating? Me: [already crying]

just opened Animal Crossing for the first time in two years and they were having a funeral for me

MISSED CONNECTION: I was the guy who posed nude for your class. You were the math professor who called campus security

wife: i'm leaving you me: hold that thought (turns off Vince Guaraldi's “A Charlie Brown Christmas") me: sorry i didn't want that to get ruined

[playing poker] FRIEND: I’m all in ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too FRIEND: um, a pair of kings ME: you bet we are

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses? Willy Wonka: just those 4 kids lmao Accountant: what Willy Wonka: what

WIFE: how old is your daughter? WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine ME: *whispering* that’s how numbers work

netflix should do a documentary on people who aren’t ready to order when they get to the counter.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses? Willy Wonka: just those 4 kids lmao Accountant: what Willy Wonka: what

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

god: i took out one of your ribs and made you a wife yay! adam: *just absolutely screaming in agony* god: lol ok you kids have fun

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling "PUNCH IT" when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Doctor: I have your test results Me: did I pass haha Doctor: haha you will soon Me: haha what

The police said I’d be locked up if I’m caught stealing kitchen utensils again, but I’m willing to take the whisk.

sometimes when i go jogging i like to listen to a portable cd player so people think i’ve been running for 20 years

Doctor: I have your test results Me: did I pass haha Doctor: haha you will soon Me: haha what

[bar] me: can I buy you a drink? her: I have a boyfriend me: bartender, two more boyfriends

If a fool and their money are soon parted, how did I just save 80% on a timeshare

the correct way to pronounce "pantomime" is "panto" because the mime is silent

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

[new snowman watching the snowfall] Is this *gags* is this flesh?

mugger: gimme all your cash me: lmao my WHAT?

KITCHENWARE COMPANY BOSS: So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan? SUSAN: No, couldn't be arsed.

Murderer looking for me: you better of hidden well or you're dead Me: *under bed, tears in my eyes* it's better HAVE