priest: and so wise king solomon said “i will cut the baby in half” me: ohhh. i get it. baby was a worm priest: no it was a test me: risky test. what if he’s not a worm

Getting dragged away by the secret police as I protest that I'm a poster, not a streamer. "They'll figure it out at headquarters" they reply

work buddies: you seem indecisive. Are you gonna go in with us on this pizza or not me:

chess opponent: ugh are you even paying attention me: ok yes i've zoned out a few times during this game,

in terms of traditional media, i think you’ve got a pretty compelling “How stupid does he think you are?” campaign

this but with "You know I respect you immensely, but I am sure you are the Antichrist"

penitent: forgive me father for i have sinned The Pope: No

am i so out of touch? no. the catholic church is a far-left institution

Too bad that our legal and institutional safeguards only work to prevent good policies. It would be cool if they also stopped the evil stuff

Sometimes you can’t think of anything good to write, and that’s a perfectly normal thing a lot of writers struggle with. It just means you committed a great sin and displeased The Lord. It means He has punished you by cutting you off from The Source

LIZ: Un croissant, s'il vous plaît. JACK: Well said, Lemon. I didn't know you could speak disgruntled employee. LIZ: I have a French Peloton instructor I listen to while I'm sleeping. Croissant, Kenneth? KENNETH: French food, Miss Lemon? No, thank you! Lunch today is a bowl of Appalachian snails.

BREAKING: in March 2026, *every single one* of the 1,341 refugees admitted in the United States were white South Africans: In FY 2026, the U.S. has admitted a total of 4,496 white South Africans, three Afghans (back in November), and nobody else. www.rpc.state.gov/documents/Re...

I do find it ironic how we have to have all these delicate conversations about what to do about ICE when Trump and co. have executive fiated USAID, DOE, the Wilson Center, institute of peace, CFPB, and now the Forest service

love when a video pops up and i immediately read “If you have a problem with gambling, call our hotline.” and it’s like oh, a heartfelt message about a real societal issue. and that’s when they have Gronk offer you $150 in Bettin’ Bucks if you get to gambling

just to be clear, everyone, when 8 pm EDT comes and goes, regardless of what does or does not happen, the president still threatened genocide and war crimes and we should still impeach, arrest, and try him

I think it's bad for the President to threaten to annihilate an entire culture and i do not think you are being alarmist if you take his threats seriously and literally.

today sure feels like one of the all time ‘so i still just gotta go and do my little job during all this?!’ moments

pretty clear bright line today, anyone in power who isn't doing everything they can to remove him from office deserves handcuffs when this is all over. that includes any democrat who votes for anything he wants

This is a supervillain monlogue. I will never understand how anyone can watch this man say things like “a whole civilization will die tonight” and fail to recognize evil when they see it.

firefighter who loves sliding down the pole: yes! weeee hahahaha!! alright it’s a fourteen alarm inferno tonight

WALTER CRONKITE (gravely):

would you keep your dog if you found out it has woke thoughts

my entire timeline on x is now just iranian embassies demonstrating a facility with the english language that puts everything i've ever read from the trump administration to shame

humiliating, evil, insane, and stupid. you can only pick four

yeah, fine, that part has flaws, but keep in mind the other 55% is unbearable to read

i had such a good time learning about the "Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles"

"you couldn't waterboard that out of me" can't say the same. you could waterboard all kinds of things out of me. mostly a bunch of stuff i didn't do

weirdly cohesive pivot to this messaging when paired with the other story about naming every military base in the region. seems likely his brain is melting crazy style

For @aftermath.site I wrote about Ice Cream Science, the Pacojet, Bodybuilder Molecular Gastronomy and my journey of admiration for the Ninja Creami; a machine that I wish was more serious but has yet to be dethroned for what it does. aftermath.site/ninja-creami...

sauer (practicing in the mirror): and in conclusion, let me get back to you on that.

you have to put a seat belt on when you're in a car. you have to put a seat belt on when you're on a plane. you should have to put a seat belt on when you vote

frodo: the burden of The Ring is so heavy, sam. and it plays tricks on me. it twists things until they’re unrecognizable, makes me see things that aren’t there sam (pokémon voice): samwise gamgee

it really is amazing how if you support any status quo, you're described like Buddha himself for not engaging on the issue. i'm sure netanyahu is also "uninterested" in the "infighting"

whoever said “a chill wind blows” was right. i hate those things

we focus a lot on how these are galvanizing events for the good guys but don’t sleep on how demoralizing they are for the bad guys, too

i think it's beautiful that no two hex wrenches have ever been the same size. embrace your individuality! ✨✨ enjoy your devoted lifelong relationship with a bolt that measures 23/128"

sometimes a bigot assumes everyone thinks like them, and brings up their Thing out of what seems to be nowhere to normal people. just usually it's not the governor of california actively campaigning for president

mainstream media outlets should probably be vocally asking who the actual President is

guy commissioning a bust of himself: how will you determine the shipping charges me: weigh a head of you

i wrote this prompt! very good episode, i laughed many times, as always you should watch it but also especially

Democratic consultants: To replicate Mamdani’s success with the young people we must appeal to their short attention spans with memes and TikTok Mamdani (actual quote): In the fifth century in what we now know as Ireland, a British warlord named Coroticus had laid waste to the countryside

damn i could go for an "easing tensions" right about now

yeah sure man, the Zero-Composure Moron Patrol is gonna go work a shift at the Boring Factory. and you're definitely gonna remember you posted this even eight minutes from now

truisms are useful writing tools. it is what it is, what's done is done, kid rock is baffled

There's a hauntingly beautiful irony in these morons thinking that carefully crafted American hegemony was actually weak and woke, and they would be the ones who would do Power and Dominance properly, and immediately bringing everything crashing down