guy commissioning a bust of himself: how will you determine the shipping charges me: weigh a head of you

i wrote this prompt! very good episode, i laughed many times, as always you should watch it but also especially

Democratic consultants: To replicate Mamdani’s success with the young people we must appeal to their short attention spans with memes and TikTok Mamdani (actual quote): In the fifth century in what we now know as Ireland, a British warlord named Coroticus had laid waste to the countryside

damn i could go for an "easing tensions" right about now

yeah sure man, the Zero-Composure Moron Patrol is gonna go work a shift at the Boring Factory. and you're definitely gonna remember you posted this even eight minutes from now

truisms are useful writing tools. it is what it is, what's done is done, kid rock is baffled

There's a hauntingly beautiful irony in these morons thinking that carefully crafted American hegemony was actually weak and woke, and they would be the ones who would do Power and Dominance properly, and immediately bringing everything crashing down

the people yearn for Gamer President Ace Watkins

(cracking my knuckles and someone gives me a dirty look) oh dang sorry dude, that was thoughtless of me. do you want a go on these thangs

the color... the hand... dude's animorphing into a crab

i LOVE this stuff. "j jonah jameson is a trained street combatant" come on man. hes the newspaper guy

pointing up and saying “all glory to God” as i scoop up my magic the gathering cards

Pretty crazy how important the blockade of a trade route is right now

standup comic who shouldn't have used that q-tip

my take is neither vance or rubio is trump’s “heir” simply because they’re both box office poison. try to imagine a trumper watching them debate. that tv’s getting its cord yanked halfway through opening statements

if you’re making a cold cuts sandwich on Reels, there’s no need to slap the slices down like you’re in the Wet Percussion section

esoteric ebb is now OUT! i am happy to see it is receiving marks of "funny" and "good." chris wrote a lot of really excellent words and i was lucky to help edit and write as well! enjoy!!!

Let's fucking go

You cannot talk like this about any other minority in America. And if it was any other president’s adviser who said something like this about any other minority, it’d be the instant end of their presidency.

Thank you so much @mattsilversoul.bsky.social ❤ 🙌

always remember to carve some time out of your pro-war crimes speech to insult your allies

Additionally, I want to speak directly to Iranian New Yorkers: you are part of the fabric of this city — you are our neighbors, small business owners, students, artists, workers, and community leaders. You will be safe here.

Wouldn't want a little war to get in the way of a golf weekend.

“Hey boss, are you sure Flamigo is more popular than Charizard, and people aren’t just misspelling ‘Flamingo’ on Google?” “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course Flamigo is more popular than Charizard, Mewtwo, Eevee, and Snorlax. Send the email.”

doctor (solemnly): ok i did not have you dying of cancer on my 2026 bingo card...

i helped with the many hundreds of thousands of words in this game, editing and writing silly little jokes. it comes out NEXT WEEK and there is a demo with what some would consider an irresponsible amount of the content available already out on steam. if you like handcrafted games, check out ebb!

democrats should internalize that this is what their colleagues think of them and act accordingly

Why do I have to pretend that I'm going to print something in order to save it as a PDF. Why do I have to engage in a little ruse.

A bunch of people on my Amtrak train clapped when the US hockey team scored a goal and before I realized what had happened I thought: “Come on, people. We haven’t even landed yet.”

The tragedy of John Fetterman is that he used to dress like a slob but have an encouraging spirt, making him an Oaf of Rugged Individuality, one of America’s great oaf groups. But now he dresses like a slob and whines all the time, making him an Oaf of Misery

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

discovered the Immortal Noodles

(angrily turning to friend during GI Joe) when do they start digesting foods

honestly tired of trying to convince people that trump's immigration policy is not really about violent undocumented immigrants or even just undocumented immigrants, but immigrants in general and even non-white people more broadly.

one of my prompts received the rare MSN honor of Four Performers

You can't... repeal... a scientific finding. At that point it's just called lying about it.

apparently this also goes for if you’re the attorney general and someone asks you if you are doing your job

Likely-historic photo by NBC News of all the Epstein victims asked to raise their hands if they've not yet been asked to meet with the DOJ as Bondi testifies in foreground

furthermore, nuclear waste emits beautiful clean American radiation,

The exact thing that antizionist/non-Zionist Jews have been warning would happen, is happening — thanks to the Israeli government's insistence that Israel, by definition, speaks for world Jewry and that any criticism of Israeli's policies is antisemitism. This inevitably LEADS to antisemitism.

please give us more personal data please please please please c’mon you’re being so mean dude. we only got breached like three times. we’re NOT going to sell it man please please please plus its for like safety? so you’re the one who looks stupid right now come on pleaaaaaase just one data point bro

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: No worries guys!

republicans: it should be a Secret who the Police are everyone: we don't want secret police republicans: secret police?! who said that? you sound crazy

bringing a big bowl of yogurt to the super bowl party. ah dang no space in the fridge, huh? guess everybody better eat it quick

he's got that Confusing Open Mic'er flow

When Republicans do it / When Democrats do it

(a guy has pulled my sweatshirt over my head hockey style and is absolutely beating my ass) ME: WHO IS FUNDING THIS??

well at least this sort of thing won't bother him on a cellular level every waking moment for the foreseeable future as he desperately shows how funny he thinks it is