This rules. Absolutely the funniest possible outcome. The president of the United States filling in as the headliner of a concert because Milli Vanilli canceled.

ohh i get it. a tesseract is Time’s Square

great fable. i wish he included the part where the scorpion said "you knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in" at campaign rallies every day for a year, and the frog was like "he has a unique method of communication" on CNN

[scary documentary voice] So-called "attendees" of the fair were subjected to a fifteen-day Vanilla Ice concert.

(long pause) ...seductive?

extremely true, not to mention there's nothing worse than being a kid and feeling like the book is aimed at someone even one day younger than you

These fucking demons told me that my neighbor wanted to eat my dog and now they want to talk about social trust evaporating

JABBA THE HUTT: Deh Jabba Wanga! Ah ha ha ROTTA THE HUTT: I have some literature available regarding the benefits of life insurance.

Mark Cuban Seemingly Pitches Banning Private Use of AI

ohhhhh, “Family Matters.” like, it’s important. not just family stuff. anyway i hope there isnt a worldwide recession

if you pass a cognitive test so good, they give you triannual checkups to make sure you're still smart

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

JACK: Good God, Lemon, do you even know what a profit margin is? KENNETH: I know that one! It’s by how much the Lord decides you missed going to Heaven. LIZ: We make smart decisions. I’ll have you know we decreased Jenna’s mirror per diem by 80% just by eliminating Tracy’s slingshot per diem.

why are jackets so much better than shirts. i love every jacket i've ever seen and despise every shirt. i want 50,000 jackets and one black long sleeved tee

i have sung this between 30 and 50,000 times this week

When people say that politics should move "closer to the center" what they mean is "closer to what I, the median person according to my own lived experience, believe" right?

there's always a tweet

I wonder what this internally logical change would do to the answers here www.nytimes.com/2026/05/21/u...

five days in washington dc

it's a double-edged sword, in the sense that both edges on the sword are useful and good

I think the reason I've been a little ambiently mad all day is because January 6th rioters are statistically the most likely group of pedophiles in the world and they clubbed a guy to death and they're going to be rich from the tax money that I give to the country I live in.

"Republicans blocked a law to keep your taxpayer money from going to convicted pedophiles"

everyone loves me. now if you'll excuse me, i need to get back to building an impenetrable fortress

i once again pitched on da season and it’s a banger as always. i will be tuning in for each and every ep

doctor on TV: RSV stands for- me: Ranked Soice Voting doctor on TV: no. it means- me: Ranked Soice Voting doctor on TV: shut up. let me finish me: no. (turns tv off) doctor standing behind me: very good. you’ve passed the test. it does stand for Ranked Soice Voting. here is your medical degree

yo watch guy checking in here. sitting down at the computer for a long night of my favorite activity: coveting

sometimes you have to take the bluesky cartridge out and blow on it

it's cool that the president is trying to steal two billion dollars from my taxes to give to his pedophile friends and i'm supposed to like keep doing my job or whatever

I say without hyperbole that this is the most brazenly corrupt action in US Presidential history. That it does not immediately lead to impeachment is a dangerous sign of how far the rule of law has declined.

live and learn. and then forget. and then learn again and say live and learn and think about how you didn’t learn. and then forget

If I were the opposition party I'd be saying anyone involved in creating this corrupt scheme will be prosecuted but also anyone accepting payments from it will at minimum be required to pay back the full sum with interest

Snide College Student: If God is so wise and powerful, why did it take two hundred years to have the President build a ballroom? 😏 Wise Professor: You're right. It pisses me off too. I'm barely containing how pissed off I am about what God did there

good/yes, chicken, treat, sit, stay, OK, down, settle, come, hup, touch, target, "go to the," couch, sofa, crate, bed, sit-pretty, drop it, leave it, get it, let's go, pick-up, under, figure-eight, quiet, awoo, look, paw, other, spin, handle, pet, lap, medicine, friend, favorite place, hit the bells

they got me writing about politics i'm afraid

who says the times can't lead on ideas anymore? this is a bold, new conditional-subjunctive-present tense

Got a notification from a medieval copyright lawyer

Unbelievable. Nolan had a witch (left-coded) turn Odysseus' warfighters into pigs.

probably not any of these guys. they already did it

i guess the thing i needed… was right here all along. (i tap my chest and smile, then pull out a deck of cards and start doing flourishes i learned at magic camp)

noticing a new take in the replies here that this "didn't happen." yes, it did. and people were commenting about it contemporaneously, not just in hindsight. the VP debate was described as "Midwest nice" and a "show of civility." it was baffling then, and it's baffling now.

standing in the middle and tossing zoloft into people's mouths as they approach one at a time, like a martial arts master expertly deflecting his students' attacks. they fall to the ground smiling

i love how baseball stats are straight-up hostile to newcomers. "In 10 games this star pitcher went 7-1, with one complete game."

i love beatles facts. today i learned the original name in “eleanor rigby” was “nelly furtado.” apparently they changed it so that nelly furtado would be the first nelly furtado

broke: how does mr bean afford his lifestyle? someone is funding this and it better not be me woke: it is my divine privilege to donate 110% of my income to the national endowment for clumsy oafs

As venues are struggling to sell tickets, I bet they appreciate the "hope no one gets blown up in the parking lot" message.

me, editing: why does no one just write a sentence with a period at the end. stop it with the semi colons. simple clauses are elegant and easy to parse. me, writing: writing is so easy--you just keep writing a sentence (and then never finish it; i wonder how long i can keep this going?).

BREAKING: in April 2026, *every single one* of the 1,570 refugees admitted in the United States were white South Africans. In FY 2026, the U.S. has admitted a total of 6,066 white South Africans, three Afghans (back in November 2025), and nobody else.