iPhone: Software update 67.594.7 is available. It will install later tonight when the device is charged and connected to WiFi Me (the next morning): you didn’t do it iPhone: I KNOW RIGHT Me: why? iPhone: Me: iPhone: I’ll do it tonight, I promise

68 has the worst imaginable Middle Child Syndrome

In the Old West, there were only 2 options for helping a loved one get sober.

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

Who let Joey Chestnut on the Board of Directors at WHOOP?

Just when I try to stop snack, they come out with even more snack, better snack

*makes millions* *buys Nissan Juke* *drives it into the ocean* *walks back to dealership* *buys Nissan Juke* *drives it into the ocean* *wal

I just want to be wealthy enough to have a loggia. Don’t care whether it is attached to a house or attached to a Robert.

You’re hired

SKATEPARK: Yay, $1.8 million in donations to build me! PRINCIPAL: You know what…fuck this shit, I quit.

It’s a bag of chips, not my aunt carol’s goddamned recipe blog intro

All I want for Christmas is $2,800 and for Willie Nelson to sing “C is for Cookie” from Sesame Street.

She’s a perfect fit for the job but I can’t do anything about it.

The idea of broth seeping lazily and unchecked through the farmland has sent me into deep hypnosis

It is supposed to be our special night. A grand romantic gesture. It takes me over an hour to light all the candles. My god there are so many. It is now 300 degrees in your bedroom. My desperate attempts to keep wax off your dresser further kill the mood. Love has left your eyes.

I came here to do two things: Learn how to count.

What if, as a hilarious joke, I was able to sleep until my alarm went off

I still play Words With Friends (not ashamed) and hoooo boy do I get the feeling that the overwhelming majority of my opponents have highly problematic, uh, worldviews quite different from my own. Wild.

If the gates really are pearly you gotta worry about the other design choices within.

One cool thing that happened we were watching Portlandia the other day and discovered that we stayed in a cool Airbnb where they shot some scenes

real talk does this spider have 9 legs or do i not understand how numbers work ?

mathematician confronting their nemesis

proud to be Texas Sober (I only eat guns)

Townes Van Zandt just made an appearance in my daughter’s Spotify DJ playlist and I’ve never known joy like this, it proves I did an minimum of 1 (one) parenting correct.

¿Y Tú Mama TAMBIÉN? ¿En esta economía??

New on Netflix UNTOLD: I Can’t Stop Eating Ginger Snaps (The Rise and Fall of GrowlyGrego)

cacio E pepe? in questa economia?

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

I beg to differ, madam

in terms of words with disappointing definitions, dogmatic has got to be up there

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

Today’s sign the apocalypse is upon us : When goddamned LinkedIn sends a goddamned notification that 5 goddamned tertiary business acquaintances have played mini goddamned sudoku, we did this to ourselves

Disagree

I don’t want to business anymore

Which park, are y’all playing basketball?

It really did

Do y’all remember that tweet: “If you like piña coladas / getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / it was caught in the rain” I forget who wrote it but it continues to ruin me

Me and my three hot friends hitting the town

did y’all see internet it’s very funny

iykyk

Normalize diagnosis of violent stomach flu as “a little bit of spit up.” Or don’t. The stakes have never been lower for this issue. I’ll circle back in Q4.

If Topo Chico turns out to be really bad for you, I am big trouble. Big.

Oh Thank Fuck for 7-11

THINGS I LOVE (Friday morning edition) 1. A nice cold cantaloupe 2. Using paper towels (I know I’m going to hell for this one but honestly the bigger sin would be denying the pure joy it brings)

ME: [not bothering anyone] HBO MAX:

Morning Brew email asking the question we’ve all been wondering about for decades

[Sexily] I will descale your keurig

[Little Debbie, sweaty, knife to my throat]

*takes an irresponsibly long chug of my drinkable yogurt during a Zoom meeting that I called* [out of breath] guys you have GOT to get your Q3 sales numbers up this is bullshit