On phone with my son (aged 19 living in his first apartment away from home) 19: How ya doin' today, Mama? Me: Things are hectic as usual. How bout you? 19: I'm fine. What did you have for supper? Did you remember to lock the doors? Do you need anything? Me: *laughing* Stop stealing my lines, kid

They need to make movies where nothing important happens while I’m looking at my phone.

"Oh my goodness, cat, you are so perfect and handsome," I say aloud to us both, breaking the news to no one.

Sleepy babies

adobe is a suite of robust tools designed kill you and then change your email password. after that initial trial period it’s 59.99 per month

rotating under the cold shower like a sweaty rotisserie chicken

Munch, munch, munch. Teaser is quite small after his haircut. I think he probably got burrs and stuff tangled up in it. He really needs daily brushing. I bet he was thankful in the hot weather without all that fur.

When my uncle died of a sudden heart attack on vacation in Jamaica, my aunt worked for a major restaurant food supplier in DFW. They sent thousands of dollars of food for his wake. They didn't have to. Nobody asked them. As a chef, I'd always given this company the side-eye. Not anymore.

At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to pull a book from a bookshelf and find that it reveals a hidden door?

Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy. [later] They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.

i’m not built for being seen or heard. I should only be texted. occasionally i can possess another, and visit in a dream. I prefer text

can’t decide if i should cut my bangs or walk into the sea

I am become microwave, destroyer of French fries

What’s the soup d’jour? It’s the soup of the day.

The funny part of that story is that the restaurant didn't tell me what they were going to do. So my friend kept thanking me for things I hadn't sent and I was SO confused at first. I was like, "Um, that's awesome but... I didn't send that. And um...I didn't send that either... or that...."

A friend of mine's father died Sunday. They live in another city so I called a restaurant there to ask for food to be delivered to the family. I explained the circumstances. They delivered my order -- AND added more food. It touched me. There are people out there doing good things without headlines.

I hear The Miracles singing oOo baby baby

Once gave my friend my sequin glittery beret to puke in on the Subway & was like “WTF r u lookin @ there’s nothin to see here!!!!” but there kinda was cause she was yackin into a shiny beret but that’s not the point

Look who’s here!

I LOVE LOVE! SON HAS FOUND LOVE AND IT MAKES ME LOVE EVERYONE!

Look it those purdy ladies

I could forge my mom's signature better than she could. In related news, I missed a lot of high school.

Yes, we have made you sick. But luckily we have made a medication that may help. However, it also may make you sick. But luckily we have made another medication that may help. Unfortunately it may make you dead. But luckily we have

(phone at 3%) (plugs it into hot dog)

I inherited Meemaw’s clumped McCormick spices and steely gaze.

Tear the light from the sky.

My favorite people are trees.

You're gonna sneak into a room full of armed people through an air duct that's only wide enough for one person to exit at a time and NOT cause a diversion outside the armored front door? *stubs out cigarette* God spare me from these fucking amateurs. No, it'll be fine. Go ahead.

He then realized he hadn’t been in his daughter’s room in years. He tucked her in a princess castle but stood today in a 1990s Hot Topic.

*deep drag on a cigarette* I'm 58 years old and lettuce has been trying to kill me my entire life.

I trust people whose homes look like they accidentally befriended a forest

You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

Drag me to the town square immediately I think I liked my own post

Thanks for the follow I’m terrible.

i’m not everyone’s cup of uranium

Do not make eye contact with me when I'm frying cheese.

undignified af, stoic as shit

I’m fine. Just a little bit worried about everything all the time.

This weekend had tequila and I ain’t mad about it.

The vibes in here are all [morphs into a giant venomous slime puma]

I know it's out of kindness and a misunderstanding around my permanent disability, but it's pretty funny when old acquaintances ask me if I have recovered. No, my dove, I haven't even recovered from falling asleep last night with damp hair.

Look at my orange stripey sunflower. I grew it from seed

unspeakable evil occurs inside the keebler tree

the most realistic scene in Jurassic Park is when two scientists make a questionable decision — traveling to an undisclosed location with a strange man — on the promise of three years of modest funding

Me, on phone calling local diner to order plates for pickup Me: What's the special today? Diner Waitress: Meatloaf and 3 Me: Do you have fried okra? Diner Waitress: Sometimes Me: *taking a moment to absorb that response* Okay. Can I order it for the plate today? Diner Waitress: Nope.

calling you collect from the discover feed

I would absolutely lose my shit if I met a raven and it started quothing

I'm allergic to alcohol I breakout in dance moves

Literally, I did not talk to my baby in “baby talk”, because I’m a grown-ass adult. But I also sounded out hard words at the zoo, because learning never ends and it’s good for your kid to watch you try new things.

When it comes to horned livestock animals that are a member of the family Bovidae, which one is the G.O.A.T?