We shall delete the posts until the concept of posts is no more.

There is a goat man in my living room, standing on two legs, menacingly watching me eat a bowl of cereal

“We’ve invented a magic computer. It uses all of the earth’s resources, we’ve spent trillions on it and it’s the sole growth area of the US economy.” “What does it do?” “We were hoping you could tell us.”

If you descend one level below the asphalt, you'll find me suspended in a glass box, not as a warning, but because they dedicated this road to me.

How does one really know if something is fr fr, do you bite it like a coin, use it to cut glass, have it appraised, just abbrev somebody's word for it as for reality for reality? I don't even trust shorts

It's awards season, guys. Which one's going to produce a winner's acceptance speech that includes love and thanks to their AI girlfriend/boyfriend?

It's nice how people leave those free dogs tied up outside shops for you to take home when you're feeling sad

My eyes are getting greyer and my mustache is starting to get some white in it, pretty stoked for these monochrome years

Why do fairground test your strength games always involve hitting a bell with a mallet? Fetch me the device that can measure the dignified silence I maintain in the face of my many, many petty complaints. They dare not give me a mallet. They dare not ring that bell.

the fifth horseman of the apocalypse: stupidity

Nothing quite like the feeling of taking off your lobster costume after a long day of chasing strangers around the arboretum

me: can we use our debit cards in hell or do we have to bring cash? the priest giving me communion: i need you to become an atheist.

i was having a hard time remembering the formula for the surface area of a dodecahedron but then i asked my homunculus topher and he thought for a while and then just ate a red-tailed chipmunk in front of me fur bones and all

ChatGPT is taking away jobs by automating the process of being driven mad via people online by replacing it with a chatbot

"Thank you for calling The Void. Your scream is very important to The Void but right now it's overwhelmed. If you could please leave your scream at the beep The Void will accept it as soon as possible. Thank you. "

”Would you describe what's happening to you as kafkaesque, or is it more orwellian?”, my psychiatrist asks, but I can’t describe anything at all, my throat chokingly tight as if gripped by some great vice.

There should be a zoo experience where you try to outdrink a panda

9: Where's mom? me: out the back 9: in Australia? me: no silly, she’s out THE back, not in the Outback! 9: what's she doing? me: playing with her didgeridoo, I think

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

MANUARY, A MONTH FOR MEN.

Okay, alright, but would you still love me if I were a worm clomping around the house in a peach tankini and winter boots?

Where does the old year go, is it a buried at midnight in the back yard situation or more of an elves sailing west deal?

New Year's resolutions don't have to be about socially acceptable change. Break the mould: resolve to become a troll, or to gain 10kg at the doughnut shop.

babybjörn implies adultbjörn. where is the adultbjörn? i demand to be transported via an adultbjörn.

"In a year we will all be living in Mars." - Guy who has trouble making cars where the doors open "AI will be running the world in the next 12 months." - Guy whose chatbot never gives the right answer Why does anyone listen to these guys?

Can metamorphosis change your luck. I have no idea but I already feel like a new million bucks regurgitating this silk robe I swallowed from a casino

Warning: Contains scenes of drugs misuse? no no, that's just regular drug use. you're supposed to do that with drugs. that's how they work. drugs misuse would be injecting a cannabis.

A sommelier for medical side effects.

*Existential concept support group* Therapist: You are not just a void. You are THE void! Dread: Exactly. I think I speak for absurdity, mortality, and the others when I say we are here for you, man. Void: *sniffs* Thanks guys! That means a lot. The screaming was starting to get to me.

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

What if we kissed under the no context nordic noir subtitles

the animals outside my garage clearly have an agenda: make scary noises until I go back inside

I’m your favorite poster’s favorite poster’s favorite poster

People like to shit on tradition, but I think it's a real time-saver. I glad I don't have to figure out what I'm supposed to do about God's birthday every year. Trees and candy, done. He loves it.

Me: My parents lied to me Therapist: I wouldn’t call that a "lie." Me: [excited] Santa’s real?

A balloon thinks it's saving your breaths for later, an emergency, a backup sigh. I needed that sigh too once after a needle asked in front of a balloon about oxygen and carbon dioxide, I just choked

SUPERVISOR: I need to speak with some of you in my office ME: [filling the water cooler with spaghetti] whomst

one time my uncle drank three whole liters of mountain dew for breakfast & by noon he was able to use e.s.p. to find several lost pets in the neighborhood.

**Wakes you up in the middle of the night pacing in a fit of rage** IT WAS THE 90s! THE MCCALLISTERS HAD LOOT & YOURE GONNA TELL ME THEY DIDNT HAVE A FUCKIN LANDLINE TO CALL KEVIN?!? IT DOESNT ADD UP! THE MATH AINT MATHIN!

When you have to use a public ouija and the beyond before you wasn't great and you don't want the next beyond thinking it was you so you unpiss on every grave

THERAPIST: *holds up photo of feather* what do you see YANKEE DOODLE: macaroni THERAPIST: *holds up photo of cap* and this YANKEE DOODLE: macaroni THERAPIST: *holds up photo of pony* what about this YANKEE DOODLE: macaroni THERAPIST: *into intercom* hold all my calls

If you're enjoying these words, you might enjoy some of the other words that there are

Sorry, I may be a few minutes late; I fell through an invisible portal to another dimension behind my bed & I’m just sitting tight until my neighbor, a geometry teacher, can triangulate my whereabouts.

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"

skeleton crew doing skeleton things on this ship of bones

I don't have an intellectual objection to Christmas, I want to fistfight Baby Jesus in a Dollar General parking lot

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

Today I learned that the numbers on the toaster dial are to indicate how much you love toast.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk* my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone