Swapping the like and repost numbers caused me to start thinking giraffes aren't all that weird.

Swapping the like and repost numbers caused me to start speaking fluent Klingon.

Swapping the like and repost numbers caused all the breakers in my house to flip.

But soft, what smoke through yonder window breaks? It is the wildfire, and from Canada it comes. Arise, fair haze, and kill my envious tire fire, Who is already thick and black with grease

Missed connection: I was walking down the front steps and you were the last step. You left a bruised butt and took what little dignity I have left. Swap?

My mom says never to count how many people don't like me but how will I know when there's enough to trade for a giant who doesn't like me

My body makes all sorts of noises it never used to, which leads me to believe I am now inhabited by an 83 year old homunculus named Steve.

I'm taking ADHD meds and honestly amphetamines are a lifesaver. Now I understand why Mark E. Smith was so well-adjusted

A large black square has opened up inexplicably in the left hand corner of my desktop and nothing I do will get rid of it and I am wondering if this is the void in which I am supposed to die and it's more geometrical than I would have guessed the void in which I would die would be.

Meta Glasses are like, a Cybertruck for your face.

I mean I’m not really OK—I can feel Frankie Valli leaving me

So odd when your partner just uses your actual proper legal name to address you. Why are you calling me Steven? Wait, are you wearing a wire?

One perfect shot

If you ever feel the urge to explain something to me, you should explain it to your mom instead. Give her a call and explain the whole thing to her. My initial post, followed by whatever you would have replied. She'll probably really appreciate your insights.

witnessing the birth of a new all timer post is such a beautiful thing

Sleeping with a full face of make-up because you never know when the opportunity to make-out with a hat man will arise.

under intergalactic planetary flag law, the empire state building now belongs to this nice parkour gimp couple

british dudes in old rave footage

me: (rattles on for 45 minutes about my life) therapist: okay, have you considered... making any healthy decisions? me: YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!

Options for tonight include watching a movie, following the strange blue lights into the woods, getting a takeaway, following the lights, playing some music, follow the lights, follow them, into the woods, follow the lights into the woods, or getting an early night

You should always write like there’s someone with a loaded gun standing behind you, because there always is (TURN AROUND)

I don't know about good and evil but that is a battle inside you for sure. It seems to be fairly low grade as far as struggles go, are you here to master opposing types of meditation for creating no chill content

my uncle's a clown sir, your flaccid balloon animals do not impress me

I am this cat

This lunch includes all five of the main Dutch food groups: cheese, cucumber, geometry, boredom and sorrow, with most of the vitamin content provided by the soul-destroying view of endless flatness spilling off the far-flung horizon.

Your order is important to us. We've branded the details onto the backs of our eyelids so we will never forget them. We will fill this one final order and then we will cease operations. Your name and address will be the last things on our lips before we die. Goodbye my friend, The Customer. Goodbye.

You can be as connected as cables but if you're not hooked up to yourself then it's bluetooth against the world and you're so out of range, but perhaps a questionnaire can tell you your likes dislikes and Mbps

The spectre rises up from the floorboards and drinks your ranch dressing straight from the bottle while you sleep at night.

“Are you okay?” “No. Why? Did I seem okay before?”

radio shack used to have a gilligan’s island section where you could go in & buy everything you needed to build a rudimentary lie detector or a geiger counter & then a guy wearing a red shirt & white bucket hat would come out & prevent you from ever leaving that store again.

Good reminder from Mr Vonnegut.

"This is itchy and tastes terrible" I say to myself as I eat more of the cotton candy I found in the attic walls

The heatwave made me realize that flipping the pillow over to the cool side is limited by the amount of sides a pillow has, that's why I invented a pillow with an infinite amount of sides, I would show it to you but the sight of it has been known to cause madness and delirium

It was the D'OH of times, it was the AY CARUMBA of times

COMMENTATOR FOR MY RETURN TO ISS AFTER 7 hr 20 min SPACEWALK: this completes his first spacewalk, and the first spacewalk performed entirely with a helmet on backwards ME: CAN SOMEONE GET MY EARBUDS OUT

Sister: how are you coping with the heatwave? Me: melting at home doing social media Sister: do you at least have a fan with you? Me: no i'm on my own my followers think i'm a total dick

Everyone you meet is fighting an invisible battle but sometimes you can tell super easily when they're losing

mad how the defining cultural image of Steamboat Willie is Mickey whistling and driving the boat, and not the bit where he plays a pig's nipples as a musical instrument while it shrieks in pain

Before I was mature enough to look up in love for the moon I made fun of myself at the night's expense, but we laugh about it now, we're all in day puberty together

I need to storm a Bastille – get it out of my system

Lawyer: I gotta put him on the stand. He's got a tight five and can do crowd work, he'll kill. I mean hopefully not again, but we'll just have to take that risk

The sheer dominance of the French national team challenges every piece of health advice I've ever received. I'm on the red wine and bread and cigarettes diet from now on. I'm going to punch the beard clean off of God's face.

Have I ever eaten a moth? Yes. Would I eat a moth again? Probably. Is it weird that I'm telling you this because you didn't ask? Absolutely. But let me ask you this: Do you have any moths?

But do you love me in spite of my bunions, or because of them?

sorry I’m late but I was on the way out when I lost another Hermes Carré foulard to my Easy-bake Hot Dog Roller haha oh life

I need a prescription strength nap and $5000

Things were so dire in the 70's and 80's that they thought private eyes were sexy.