🎶Cannibaby, and hurry down the umbilical tonight 🎶🏆👑 Congratulations @slouchy.bsky.social from Sir @capnwatsisname.bsky.social

The worst thing about consuming your twin in the womb is that you'll never eat anything that delicious ever again

GO AHEAD AND CONTACT YOUR OMBUDSPERSON, KEVIN. I'LL WAIT. (me not understanding that an ombudsperson is not like an Oompa Loompa)

Fuck you, I don't have time for that loose leaf tea bullshit. I'll just eat a handful of potpourri and be done with it.

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

The Illuminati ruined my life. Who wants to be my lawyer

is it good when your product becomes hip slang for “bullshit”

What do you mean what are my interests? Normal things. Sitting. Going. Things of that nature.

One of the beautiful things about social media is that sometimes when you scream into the void, after a pause, a voice or two may answer back “fuck, me too” and you feel a little less alone in the world

you can’t just go around burning down houses and shit because you never know what’s in there, it’s an epistemological problem bro

Would have been funny to watch clothes floating away today.

If I managed a baseball team, all my decisions would be based on hunches, solar flares, and the ominous massing of blackbirds

[dog park] DOG OWNER: which one is yours ME: i haven’t decided yet

yo where my nerds at

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Early iterations of the game that came to be known as American football were designed to be played in empty Roman aqueducts, featured a handful of jacks instead of a ball, & incorporated long recitations of epic poetry as a crucial element of play, imo

Pardon me sir, do you have any Grey Poupon on which I might choke on and die?

I can be mean but people being mean to me is against my religion

men being shamed for showing emotion dates back to ancient greece when they named that one guy sissyfoot.

We find our zero in not one single heroic situation but we do not find it in negative one single heroic situation either so

No it's much less evolved than that, like a stranded consciousness this vision of an astral lethargy of mine

Interviewer: great resumé apart from the typo. It says you have exceptional people skulls lol Me: *holding up two skulls by the eye sockets* meet Richard & Clive

Can you watch the sitcom Friends even if you don't have any?

my neighbor posted a selfie of himself on facebook holding a gun with the caption COME & TAKE THEM, and it's like bro, you just complimented me on my geraniums yesterday

MAKING ME DEFEND THE FORMER CO-HOST OF THE MAN SHOW MAY BE THE LAST STRAW, AMERICA.

“You used to be able to say anything” comedians never been more quiet in their lives

When is Marvel gonna make a movie about a real superhero: my Uncle Hubert who used to crush aluminum cans in the middle of the night while weeping loudly and blasting Whitesnake

Sometimes when shit gets real messed up, all you can do is say, “rama lama ding dong,” and hope for the fuckin best.

I won't discuss the one that got away but I guess I can give non-emotional hints. It was a rare sighting. It went back to outer space. I was left feeling changed forever and yet I would never be the same. Wait. It's still there again, cosmic redundancy

wife: why is your new body wash half gone already? me: (eyes go wide) oh you haven’t tasted it; you gotta taste it

What if we kissed under the no context nordic noir subtitles

No bags? No leaves? No cuppa brewing? THAT'S THE BEST PARTS OF THE TEA DRINKING PROCESS; WHY WOULD YOU GET RID OF THAT?

Smaug's youngest child moved into the city but could only afford a small one room fly up.

I don’t scroll through your timeline to like 30 posts and reply 4 times because I’m obsessed with you. I do it because I’m lazy. What am I supposed to do, go back out into the wild and hunt for content when you already did the work for both of us

In my experience, it is possible to communicate with other humans using a series of Wilhelm screams

If you have a cartoon avi on any social medium, I assume you are a cartoon in real life. And not in any judgy way whatsoever. Just "This is my cartoon friend."

Can't believe I found this old photo of me. That's right, I was raised in the shell of a giant pink sea snail. The fella that looks like Anthony Newly, that's my uncle Chip. The one that looks like Rex Harrison is Rex Harrison. I don't remember the monkey.

Sometimes you go to see friends and they send you home with bread as a talisman against the dark journey home

You said don't be so schematic but I'm trying to understand myself so I drew a broken heart here an exclamation point for the brain and this is the boat I never had, omg I am a schema queen

They said we were careless surfaces, that we'd just cross contaminate each other. We called it sharing everything. Then we called it ok to wash between secrets

Maybe they're not getting louder, they're just getting closer, all those packs of wild parties who thought you were really cool howling into a longer and longer stack of red solo cups, alone

The other kids could never find me when we played hide-and-seek. My go-to hiding place was beneath a rotting threshold among the ritualistically placed animal bones

sorry i’m not funnier i left my skull slightly unhinged one night before bed and the funny juice leaked out all over my pillow while i slept

Draw a line in the sand. Draw another one. And another one. Okay one more. Now I you've got tic tac toe and oh my god the lines are filled with blood. I don't understand why you are so mad at this beach.

I live in the space beneath your floorboards, only coming out at night to braid your hair while you sleep.

What I say: I’m wearing nothing but panties What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last

please i am begging whoever has my voodoo doll stop making it read the news