suckin' his dick "rodeo style"

67 is just 69 but one is a robot.

alone in a mall at 3am

hilarious game.

rooting for chip kelly is always hilarious.

this is a perfect game for people who can't count past ten.

watching this game like it's soccer.

them: jerk off 32 times a month to reduce prostate cancer me: jerking off 1,000 times a month to cure cancer.

in ohio.

doing dak's "yaaaaa here we gooooo" as i take my dog to the vet to have his swollen, infected anal gland drained.

ordering a dumpster for cleanup around the house gets my wife wet.

Lower the listening end of a stethoscope into your aquarium and mouth the words softly to the end where the heart goes. "I want you to get a second opinion. Doctor Swim Through Holes is not even an x-ray machine"

phillies lost on purpose to serve up revenge on the blue jays for '93.

"genitals should act like magnets" -christian scientist

let's not talk about the base running there

[watching Blue Jays v. Dodgers] go birds

pretending we're normal.

my wife said she was too sad to put on the clown costume so i had to explain how clowns work.

happy halloween, sluts.

i keep rewatching the scene where keri russell puts on deodorant in the diplomat.

halloween is the beginning of the fattening.

the twitter discourse is gross

as far as fuckable fruits go, watermelons are girlfriends while pumpkins are wife.

single white female but i'm there too and get them to like each other and we all end up making out a little bit.

me explaining to a kindergartner how ai works.

my bird friend is back.

guy gets one boner and invents hydraulics which powers all the big truck stuff.

move the wall closer after each extra inning.

This game is like I got caught smoking a baseball and now I have to smoke a whole pack of baseball

both teams seem a little tuckered.

hurricane melissa has a spark of intelligence and wit that dances in her clear blue eyes, which are framed by long, dark lashes. her smile, a flash of white teeth, is genuinely warm, crinkling the corners of her eyes and conveys a deep sense of joy. a captivating beauty.

in an amazing bit of serendipity, i'm introducing vagina tongues this week.

ivan and i hanging out with this bird we found.

a smidge off.

autumn ivan

i had a dream my daughter was dating a huge josh allen fan and would get extremely frustrated every time i called him bill allen.

The government shutdown is especially tough on men, who are losing $1.00 for every 75¢ a woman loses.

23&me revealed my grandfather had a child he may or may not have known about. it was revealed when his two siblings came back 90% jewish and his came back 60% irish. my grandfather was the golf pro at one of the country's first jewish country clubs outside of philadelphia.

night corn.

does diarrhea stick to glue? does it bounce off rubber? i'm trying to come up with a proper response to our president.

there are no laws of physics that explain why this garage is still standing. after decades of resisting traditional forces it has reimagined what is possible.

ohtani the best two way player we've ever seen. baseball's best player and $40 million in gambling losses over two years is truly unprecedented greatness.

i have a 24 year old kid. happy birthday carter.

If I had an ice cream truck it would totally be playing the theme from The Exorcist

I asked the act of leaving, how does one arrive. In the most general sense. I need badly to general sense, arrive. It left and came back, I was a stranger to myself at someone else's door. Teleportations had sent me to each other in a group chat

i like when aaron rodgers plays like shit.

i've had a truck in my driveway that someone gave me over 15 years ago. it was towed here. today i finally got it started for the first time. pretty exciting stuff.

he never leaves my side

Do you love me, now that I can dance? I've been going back and asking this of all my big unrequited situations and the overwhelming response was [free jazz]