parking in the pro spot because this is a work trip

You Can Do It... We Can Help.

leaving the house and driving to home depot to poop

Me, 9:45am : WHATS GOT TWO THUMBS AND IS CRUSHING IT?? This guy! Me, 9:46am : WHATS GOT ONE THUMB AND HOPEFULLY THEY CAN REATTACH THIS HOLY SHIT THESE KNIVES ARE SHARP.

Have you had homemade pretzel bites? I can’t stop eating them. Send help.

Which one of you left the Nassau out? It’s gone funky.

(being interviewed by a giant chicken) GC: says here you made overalls for a company in Wisconsin? M: yes, for OshKosh (please don't say b'gok please don't say b'gok)

I think I’m going to just tape them to my actual hands and go be explicit with my neighbors that I am “artisanal wolverine.”

Andes Mountains? More like Andes Nuts.

Well, I got to find out what the drunk trampoline police is today. Just a misunderstanding in my neighbor’s yard. I puked on the trampoline, big deal. Drunk trampoline police🤷🏻‍♂️ What a dumb career. What kid says, I want to be a drunk trampoline police when I grow up?

As the World Stops and Melts With You

Specific Hospital

Has anyone ever used salad things above that look like this or should I use them to scratch the dog ?

The commentators are not watching the right thing as a joke, but fate only laughs at its own jokes. Shakespeare's lost play Any Sport Will Ado found the whole time

Always carry a bean with you. That way when someone asks you how your meal is, you can say “it’s tastier than this bean is.”

BBQ Joint/Escape Room concept called The Rib Cage

You ever pee so long that you’re like oh yeah we definitely live in a simulation.

I don’t know a lot about football or politics but if this how we do it, I’m all in.

HOLE IN ONE! (I don’t know football)

I heard there’s yet a 3rd halftime show where they roll what’s left of Kenny Rogers out on stage and flop him against a timpani. Probably will watch that instead of the TPUSA thing.

how dare you use karaoke for evil

touching grass isn't touching the ground

The superbowl ad theme this year is apparently “use AI for maximum annoyance.”

Joe Montana and Kevin Costner are the same person.

I am a very generous person but I’m weirdly stingy when it comes to using tinfoil and plastic wrap.

I'd like to offer you a nap

Incredible stuff happening at Spencer’s Gifts

Losing faith in every single public figure and institution has done wonders for my Impostor Syndrome

What would I say is my greatest strength? Probably that I can't be stopped. If you hire me, I will eventually fire you.

A new version of Alone, where we take the most rural hillbillies, hand them $20 and see how long they survive in Manhattan.

Death Camp For Cutie over here

Long ago, in a time before everyone was tired of everything

Convinced that I could win Alone by keistering a couple king sized candy bars.

I’d like to think that if I was the world’s richest person that I’d maybe have a good sense of what not to send over email but then I went and searched my email for lewd jokes and well, it’s not “good news” per se.

When faced with a difficult decision I like to ask what would Jesus do? The problem is he answers in Aramaic.

In France, they say “bifler” for slapping a face with a dick. Anyway. How’s your day going?

Follow me on OnlyCarbs

Might start eating only carbs and calling myself the carbonater.

Texas is pretty cool. I was vaping in the bathroom of a bar and when the bartender asked me if I was I said “Im not gonna lie to you. I was praying to Jesus in there” and now all of my drinks are free.

"It's not the greatest" you say but always it is because you're the only one. There's superlatives at home yelling at their tvs "I can't believe this modestest prototype"

The only thing more embarrassing than wanting to go to pedo island is wanting to go to pedo island and having a hard time getting invited.

The best thing technologists have imagined is “robots that improve capitalism for the people that own the robots” but I have a better idea, which is “robots that fart on those people and then disassemble the other robots”

I bet you medieval people ate a lot of moldy cheese because it’s hard to tell whether this cheese is good in low light but I’m definitely going to eat it.

Just watched an instructional video on “how to burp a turkey” and I think that’s enough internet for today.

Look, I love a Harry & David basket just as much as anyone else but please, someone tell me what the actual fuck this is for.

Having a 4Runner: I’m fun! I like to do things! Having a 4Runner with a ladder: I do not understand ladders.

The Matt Damon Ben Affleck movie with the gun shooting is heartwarming because there are just as many “fuck your mother”s as there were in Good Will Hunting but way more arbitrary gunshots and then two guys fight each other in a swamp and then one hundred girls all go to a kissing festival.

Ditallini is easily the funniest pasta name.

Chat GPT is too young to be giving life advice