I was today years old when I learned that NBA champ Clifford Ray happened to be in the Bay Area when a dolphin accidentally swallowed a bolt and he used his exceptionally long arm to fish the bolt out of said dolphin.

The lyrics to “we wish you a merry Christmas” are “figgy figgy pudding give me the figgy pudding I demand the figgy pudding or I’ll eat your ear”

Without downloading new pics, what is it like dating you?

If you put seasoned mayonnaise inside ravioli , that a ravioliaioli

If I were Carol in Pluribus, I would refocus the collective consciousness on meticulous curation of my butthole.

Not sure if my electrician is not good at spelling or if he just doesn’t like certain rooms in my house.

Them: Let your freak flag fly! Them ten seconds later: OMG! PUT IT AWAY! PUT! YOUR! FREAK! FLAG!! AWAY!!! WE DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SO...FREAKY! CITY MANAGEMENT AND THE PARKS DEPARTMENT ARE WHOLLY UNPREPARED FOR THIS LEVEL OF FREAK!

How the Grinch Got His Groove Back

Clocks match a lot of things throughout a day, not just how you wave your arms for certain times. The day your tie was born, when your socks got married, the end of your drapes when you caught them up in another window. It's not coincidence.

You will be visited by 3 spirits.

Just saw a video that started with “can this illegal flashlight shine through a watermelon?” and then I thought about the hundreds of times I’ve needed to do that.

I like to call this piece Poopin Blue

I like that the plot of Troll 2 is that there’s a bigger Troll than the first one.

If fennel is a digestif and is the primary ingredient in this candy, then eating the whole bag will make me feel good. If you’re a doctor, please weigh in and validate my theory.

Happy Fight a Pilgrim Day! (Or eat turkey or whatever YOUR tradition is)

How today goes for you. open.spotify.com/track/1otnUu...

1990s : I’m up at 1AM because I’m building software that will make me a billionaire. I am powered by expensive illegal drugs. Today: I am up at 1AM because I ran out of Claude tokens and I don’t want to spend $20. I have had 2 glasses of Chardonnay and need to go to bed.

I’m gonna drunk vibe code a sexy lady like those dudes in weird science now. My wife seems very anxious about the bra on my head. We may have to postpone this.

Face down, ass up... that's how I look for the last good pen I have that just rolled under my desk and now my back hurts, but it's really the last decent pen in the building

How I’m rolling up to Thanksgiving

Powdered sugar, baking soda, corn starch, flour, and cocaine should really look different from one another BUT THESE COOKIES ARE FUCKING AMAZING

Me, to me

You are what your booking photo says you are, so smile.

Age old movie theory - spouse died but is not really dead. Shows up again, post new marriage. Unexplored area - polyamory. The movie is called “befreesome”

My kid broke his arm today. At first I was bunned but after talking to the doctor, I found out he broke it in two places and I was like fuck yeah overachiever.

Or long until drinking and vibe coding is illegal. Too late I just made an app that steals souls. Oops.

Beef is stupid expensive so my master plan is to meet a cow person and then be like hello please sell me some of your cow. I did however make a very nice flank tonight with homemade chimichurri.

It’s raining here motherfuckerers

Once the cost of ai video gen goes through the floor, I’m writing a script to take my entire photo gallery and make everyone in it say “I shit my pants” and then another script will stitch together all of them in a single video, and I will win Cannes.

babe are you ok you’ve barely touched your electrolyte soup supplement with immune booster

The Hollywood narrative that you can’t go to the hospital if you have a gunshot wound that was acquired whilst doing something illicit is nonsense. I’ve done this a whole bunch and they’re always like “how did you get shot” and I’m like “toddler had a rifle.”

No, but his face rings a bell.

I have a hunch this isnt you.

Quote post with your own dramatic black and white selfie

What do we think the worst name for a product is? I’m going to go with “dude wipes”

AI has gotten so advanced that I’ve replaced my doctor with it. Well, ok just the part where it fingers my b-hole.

About

I think footy is finally catching on in America. Currently watching the San Diego DirecTVs vs. the Portland Tilamooks.

When I was little, there was a car salesman named Cal Worthington. His gimmick was his dog named spot, but the dog wasn’t a dog - it was a cow. His theme song was “Go See Cal Go See Cal,” 5 yr old me thought it was “pussy cow” so yeah I’m the kid who ran around saying pussy cow pussy cow pussy cow.

So many better names for this band. Conan & The Barbarians WWE Overdrive Greg’s Got Boots

The only thing I have in common with fictional people in movies that involve politics is that we all like scotch neat.

this is where I post from if you even care

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

Uncle Gary’s hosting Thanksgiving this year and I just know he’s gonna make us listen to his barbershop quartet again. They only know Barbara Ann, then they spend the rest of the time giving each other haircuts

Anecdotal of course but I talked to a guy yesterday and he was very upset with the state of things.

Guess what: if you’re bashing the media, you’re bashing yourself. We’re all the media now. Look! I’m publishing this thought worldwide! Finally, the media is as terrible as all the whiners exclaimed. And it’s all thanks to… you and me.

I don’t want to be a serious person or have a job anymore. I just want margaritas.

My dad : “the structure of discipline gives you the feelings of comfort and safety.” Me: Tacos do the same thing.

Can you eat pho and ramen and rigatoni in the same day or does this make Jesus angry?

I don’t mean to interfere in anyones personal affairs but I did meet Dick Cheney once and while he didn’t say much, he did mention he wanted this.