man, I’d hate to be an anachronism. Going back in time? no thank you.

There’s a key demographic he has an excellent chance with if he plays his cards right

The year is 2054. The Midwest has been brought to its knees by an outbreak of Candiru fish imported into the country 6 years prior.

Happy to report that my stools are still normal. Stay tuned for more updates!

It’s like they’re trying to break your heart

Well, my grandpas name was Bob and the last thing I bought was some Costa Del Mar sunglasses, so I guess I’m Bob Costas. Wait…

Mon frer, it was never going to work. You’re such a Porthos and she’s clearly a Constance Bonacieux

I’m aura farming (suffering from a migraine)

Can you guys fucking believe people were afraid JFK would be more beholden to the Pope than the United States.

I had to call the bomb squad cuz I forgot to order my sandwich with no lettuce no tomato.

Caring this much about masculinity is literally one of the least masculine things you can do.

Am I expected to believe that an organization whose head is an Italian man named “Johnny Baby” is at all trustworthy? 1-800-ComeOnNow

Trent Reznor is breeding giant molluscs Nine Inch Snails

He’s a 10 but he carries a ridge wallet

Is Ringo the best Black Mage in the world? He’s not even the best Black Mage in the party!

Is that good?

On my lunch break eating some James Johnathan’s

My MTF friend drives a Pontiac, call that an Am Trans Trans Am

Happy All-Star Game Eve to those who celebrate

My first act as MLB commissioner: contacts and LASIK are now banned. If you have poor eyesight you have to wear cool 70’s style glasses

This image with that title goes hard as fuck

Not surprising, this is how every male dies in South Carolina.

The 5-11 year old in me is really looking forward to the Home Run Derby tonight

Got fired for trying to make my catchphrase “What’s the happy happs?”

RIP to one of the greats

I never once felt like Lindsay Graham was representing my interests as a South Carolinian. Our state’s infrastructure is a fucking mess. Our schools are dogshit. Burn in hell you stupid asshole.

DIVA 💅 DOWN ⬇️ FLIMSY 🍜 LINDSY 👵 Graham 👴 is on permanent 😭 RECESS 💀 today 📆 after taking 😳 a deep 😩 DICKING 🍆 💦 from 👏 a SEXY 🫦 ILLNESS ☣️ the senator 👴 from SOUTH ⬇️ CUNTOLINA 🇺🇸 💅 died 🪦 on FREE 💸 SLURPEE 🥤 DAY 📆 after a 👶 lifetime 👴 of SUCKING 🍆 😩 the life 💀 out of his 💅 CUNT 🍑 -STITUENTS 😏

lol get fucked you old bitch

Bring back glasses guys in MLB!

Yeah I got TMJ. Too much jaundice! I REFUSE to expose my skin to ultraviolet light!

Missed connection: You were made of chocolate, with caramel and nougat inside.

God, when asked why this one didnt go anywhere: Hey, they can’t all be zingers.

I had a no regrets tattoo but then I had a regret, so I had them cover up the first R. Hoping nobody gives me an egre.

Nobody told me that Tenth Inning was narrated by Keith David. This fucking rules!

Thousamds of blowjombs! THOUSAMDS!

Is there any higher honor than being called “youngblood” by an elderly stranger? I think not.

Can you guess which of these cards I’m more excited by?

As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a carnival grotesque

Me to my friend as we watch The Descent in the theater:

Its time I came clean: I’m the executive whose idea it was for Panera to make self serve lemonade with 200 mg of caffeine per serving.

My pappy got his start running bathtub Dew along the backroads of Appalachia.

Trying to make a pun about burnt ends, but I got nothing.

I should be an early 20th century sci-fi writer the amount of Weird Tail I be getting

They simply refuse to believe that there are people for whom race does not matter more than personal conduct or moral fortitude. Miserable wretches that project their miserable wretchedness onto everyone around them.

This rules, I’m gonna watch the hell out of this

She yub on my nub til I wicket

Thank god mitch mcconnell isn’t alive to see any of this

This isnt even “lesser evil” politics. It’s “equivalent“ politics. It’s “yeah our guy is a rapist too, but he also killed people in Iraq” politics. Fucking stupid libs.

Just a little reminder that if Platner was actually an anti-establishment candidate the DNC would be spending more money than god trying to defeat him. They’re either dumb enough to pick a blackwater nazi to be their controlled opposition or they think the Left is dumb enough to vote for one.

Hey Babe, whatd you get up to last ni- oh, I see.