Oh, you thought witch trials were only in our past? Boy, do I have news for you!

Alicia Sylvesterstallone

Good morning warriors!!!

Meh.

Vampire: Master of Darkness (GG / SIMS / 1992)

Me: *pays 140 dollars* Tim Meadows: get away Dewey! don’t eat that Panda Express Orange Chicken! you don’t want any of that shit! It’s delicious! Me: *delighted* *pays 140 dollars* Meadows: Dewey get out of here! Don’t eat the rangoons! You don’t want any of that shit! Me: *delighted* *pays 140

if bsky tanks i guess i’ll go back to saying stupid, weird, uncomfortable things to various cashiers and waitstaff

SOME GUY IN THE 50'S: i bet aliens fly around outer space inside of big shiny saucers EVERYONE ELSE: agreed, lock it in

Back in the day, I got a record store to break street date on a new Metallica album so I could listen to it that night. Unfortunately though that album was St. Anger.

Contrary to myth, it's not bacteria that makes Komodo Dragons' mouths so dangerous. It's their biting sarcasm.

Taurus: Give yourself a little credit. Not everyone could screw up so badly in such a variety of ways.

every Big Online Discourse™ reads like a transcript of people yelling at each other simultaneously catching every 3-4 words the other person is saying and assuming they understood it right

Ah, you think shitposting is your ally? You merely adopted the shitpost. I was born in it, molded by it.

If you're gonna arrest me you might as well arrest everyone who reposted it! Oh, you plan to? Oh dear

don't mean to get political, but my bones are haunted

I have spent an extraordinary amount of time revving my car up to 88mph. Hoping I can go back and fix a few things.

Current:

Idk if you guys have heard of this Phil Collins guy but he’s got a ton of bangers

Y’all better simmer down or I’ll post an image without alt text and then you’ll really be mad.

Im a bitch Im a lover Lethal weapon Danny Glover

Stop ignoring the invisible /s at the end of all my skeets

Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? If so, call 911 immediately. You may be suffering a stroke.

you want me to touch grass, the same thing that caused Reefer Madness?

I didn’t know when The Social Network came out that Jesse Eisenberg would act like the Facebook guy in every movie he stars in moving forward.

Sorry I muted you but I didn’t want to unfollow and have you go full Fatal Attraction on me.

If history has taught us anything, Banning Jimmy Kimmel is just going to make a lot of people begin creating their own Jimmy Kimmels in their bathtubs.

Alright let’s all fucking do this shit again tomorrow

I've noticed a lot websites deliberately make it hard to select text to copy and paste. Does anybody know of a browser plugin that will identify webpages that are doing this and send someone to the web designer's house to beat them with a rubber hose?

I know we’re not supposed to laugh but that doesn’t mean I can stop

Spidermech Spidermech Made of forbidden Angel tech Shoots his drill It’s real bad Knocks out Rey Makes Shinji mad Look out, Here comes the spidermech

Telling people BBC is the actual acronym for barbecue. It has a Q sound not the letter. Duh.

My get rich scheme involves a lawsuit with Nintendo for a 1996 purchase that I recently learned was not in fact their 64th console.

The origin of the name is unknown but I can now confirm that K-Y Jelly is short for K-Y Jealous.

Paranoia isn’t a bad thing. They just want you to think that

I can

Thinking of all the ways I'm going to start taking my health more seriously as I eat a fried leftover taco bell burrito.

Don't worry guys I think if we arm the Swifties and the BTS army we'll be fine

Fuck lemons, life has been throwing live grenades at me

Yeah whatever you’re bougie but I’m fancy pants, bitch

i'd like to thank my lord and savior jesus christ and your dad for being out of town so often