LAWYER: The shooter shared your post: “Bugs Bunny is a two-pump chump. I’d show Lola how to smash ‘Animal Style!’” What did you mean by that? ME: That Bugs Bunny cums fast. LAWYER: He lacks sexual prowess? ME: Yes. LAWYER: Did you consider that posting something this inflammatory might be dangerous?

If you need to get rid of glue you want subhesive

Who called it a blowjob and not nodding off

ME: how are your circus jobs going TIGHTROPE WALKER: i got suspended HUMAN CANNONBALL: i was fired TRAPEZE ARTIST: they let me go ME: is… is that good or bad

An already unacceptably right-leaning press corps is gearing up to go further right because a bad thing almost happened near them; they were in that position to begin with because they decided access to fascism is more important that accurately describing it

shoutout to one of the greatest tweets of all time

How many times do you need to almost be murdered before you think "maybe its me"

yeah shaken their fists at yet another weak effort

DNR that says "man i didnt even want to be suscitated to begin with"

🚨 BREAKING: Attempted assassination at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Suspect sprinted at alarming speeds through security before being subdued

This is the most terrified I've ever been in my life and you assholes should be ashamed. We're doing the same event next month btw

BREAKING: room full of journalists waiting to be told what happened

🚨 BREAKING: Attempted assassination at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Suspect sprinted at alarming speeds through security before being subdued

It’s going to be really funny if the guy’s actual target was like the mentalist made him feel foolish at a show years ago

the highest gun ownership rate in the world and nobody can fucking aim

when replies are locked, but quotes are allowed

hahahahahah what a chud thing to say

every new doohickey guy in 2025: all right. I'll do it. AI waifu Jodie Foster with H cups: I love you, onii-san

Hold on. Let me write a 5 thousand word piece on how the journalist were No Angels There's footage of them making threatening gestures that critics say is AI but who can say. Not my job

Credit where credit is due that's a hell of a lot better way to express your displeasure than a fuckin pocket square

Nobody takes millenials seriously becaude we don't follow through on our commitments

It is too soon for jokes about Trump's assassination. It hasn't happened yet.

Let’s just have a look at the library’s book sale,,,,,,, oh no

Who would like to bring me drugs

"Here's the bingo card that will be passed out to attendees at the WHCA dinner to track President Trump's anti-speech rhetoric during his address. " Hey guys thats not really how bingo works. Everyone needs a different card otherwise everyone wins/loses together and it's not really a game

The preferred method of payment in hyrule is zelle, duh

Sometimes you're the Tommy and sometimes you're the drinky

Inflation

A game where all the architecture is extremely boxy except for one incredibly elaborate sphere with so many polygons it crashes your whole system if you see it and it's called "DO NOT RENDER THE SPHERE"

Glazed pork roast & fried rice

Making t shirts out of the last sentence and never explaining when people ask

on the drive home from work, i watched a man on a motorcycle making hand motions at the passenger of a RAM truck and get handed a beer on the freeway. what a life.

Newton should have used gravy instead of an apple to make his point. it's right there in the name. wtf, why didn't he do wordplay like a shit poster?

Bad dreams? Better sleep it off

"Have you been eating grass?" "No." "You're sure?" "I would never do that." "What's that green thing on your tongue?" ".......... gangrene."

skyrockets in flight don't email my wife

“nature abhors a vacuum” would be a great marketing campaign for brooms

incroyable

Thinking about how my step dad used to say "can't come out, my wife's home!" every time a car would honk outside ha ha And then later they divorced because he cheated on her

sorry but if you say you hate israel i'm just gonna assume you hate all mass murderers

some of you need to log off so i can post my funny reply before you

You never hear about small palookas

Wow with the economy the way it is 100 Grand bars actually are

"Have you been eating grass?" "No." "You're sure?" "I would never do that." "What's that green thing on your tongue?" ".......... gangrene."

What's something appropriate to say as a bartender but not when you're artifically inseminating someone? I'll go first, "I'm mixing a Tom Collins"

We saw some deer and eevee did not give two shits about them

getting Bambiboozled (tricked by a deer)