The few the proud the meringues

It’s funny watching an old movie and the characters are talking about iced tea like it’s kombucha

If someone doesn’t look exactly like someone else they don’t look anything like them

I’m lazy and a pussy

I hate having to tell people what I’m doing. Just assume I’m smoking weed and watching movies

There are so many normal things

Is hiccuping normal

Trying to imagine a republican saying this country needs a strong democratic party. Or can someone else try I’m at work

I’m not a sports person but is it bad when your team’s whole gimmick is hopelessness

America needs a strong annoying party

I’m running for the Office of Tree Planting and Puppy Murder and if I’m elected I will do everything in my power to not let the American people down

Listen up stoners

Mind if I do something eccentric

Machinery

Vacuuming should be a dance. Embarrassing

Your eyes have been pretty

I am not weak. I just like a small apple

🌺 pretzels are healthy 🌼 💐 🌾

You KNOW my spirit never walked beyond our counting house

Do you think there’s enough of a market for that

That mistake you made, was that intentional

The greatest thank you of your life

My name is Jared. What do I care anymore

Steak city liars social media

Slap boxing might be more entertaining if they were nicer to each other

Toad in the hole seems form over function

Watch what you clarify

Advil personality change reddit

Every day is my perfect relaxation time

Sometimes I forget what I like to do

No I do not “got you fucked up” I just asked you what time it was

Typing on a calculator with the eraser end of a pencil 🫦

The perfect glug

Shortening Hell Yeah to Hell

Not to oversell the new Trivium ep but when the breakdown in Six Walls hit I did say to myself in the car Oh I get it you want me to cum

People don’t like information

Every two months or so I decide to care about my face dandruff

I miss playing guitar and holding in my poops

I’ve been FORGETTING THINGS

Big election comin up

I do not have big dreams

Hey y’all I don’t understand anything and I’ve decided to make that your problem

I don’t feel comfortable allowing any product to “work its magic”

My life is not a folk song

I know I’m always going on about the endless march of time

Metaphors disappeared in the 90s

You know those times when a joke works too well. Why can’t I just be happy

I think I’m gonna study christmas this year

My undead army is lost forever in the pits of something or other