Am I the only one who's wondering how long a stardate is?

Sorry I can't make it, I'm being temporarily entombed that day.

I miss the days when Olympians contracted hitmen to take out rivals with a tire iron

Just going to start telling people I used to be in the Spin Doctors

*yeets a golden apple engraved with "To The Least Problematic" into your group chat*

the hoa used grok to try and settle a dispute between neighbors and now they’re both naked while trying to measure each other’s skulls

when does the zamboni come out onto the field

Today's frog is the marsh frog. It's THE frog. When you think of a frog, it's usually that one.

We used to have a proper country where ad execs did TONS of cocaine on the job.

The best guest host for the Muppets would be Werner Herzog

[bursts into liquor store] oh no I’m remembering things, please help

Mambo #5 was the confession of a serial killer

Breakfast hack - find a hotel with a free breakfast buffet. They never check to see if you’re staying there, just show up in pajamas.

“What’s your stealthiest chest freezer?”

before nintendo we had no way of knowing which time is mario time

what if his name was Gel Mibson

I'm beginning to think I'll never find a giant x on the ground marking the spot to buried treasure

I did not think there’d be so much screaming.

Taking an aqua aerobics class is funny as hell when you're uncoordinated

if you’re a cylon you have to tell me

SOLDIER INSIDE TROJAN HORSE: *whispering* this could have been an email

oops

spātlian, wk.v: to spit out. (SPAWT-li-ahn / ˈspaːt-lɪ-an) Image: Apocalypse; France (Liège?), 1312-1314; @labnf.bsky.social Français 13096, f. 86v. #OldEnglish #WOTD

Costco could add billions by adding a fresh made corn dog to their cafeteria menu.

some of you act like you were never limited to a 100mb of storage on a Zip disk and it shows

they’re finally bringing back the panera lemonade that kills you

if you see a sorcerer in the park then you’re in the right park.

So I love Lavar Burton and Reading Rainbow but I'm just mad he didn't do it in his visor.

we might need to rethink this whole “big bang” thing

me as a realtor: just think of all the elephants you could fit in this room.

Forever mad at the universe for insisting I participate in it

fear and live laugh loving in las vegas

Why even be a couple if you're not going to plan a heist together?

No ending parentheses means (the aside last forever

Nobody wants to rock down to Electric Avenue anymore and that's the problem

Imagine cooking with me. No, more butter.

why is it called insomnia when me time was right there

Pesquet's parrot, also known as the Dracula parrot.

Carlos is an expert

We're all made up of the same cosmic microplastics

*whispers* Mr.President, a second paper has covered the rock

yeah man

kind of strange nobody ripped off Lady Dimitrescu, it’s been like five years. we should be up to our necks in Nine Foot Tall Terrifying Women by now

bloody hell you taking the piss mate innit? -me, after my 7-day free trial of BritBox