Family is visiting this weekend and I'm already inordinately excited about going to see the elephant seals out in Big Sur

Today in Jeremy's salad: collard greens, aloe vera, coreopsis, Indian blanket, pansy, and crimson clover

have they tried playing skrillex music in teslas yet? maybe thatll fix em

thecutestcatintheworld.jpg

now would be a rad time for ninjas to make a comeback

Scooby Doobie Dooo! 🍻

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

It should be socially acceptable to carry around a spray bottle to correct and redirect people when they get outta line.

can't help you with that one

Ok Godzilla, now would be great.

i gotta apologize to every bad sci fi/video game writer out there. reality is stupider than anything you've ever written

I can't believe a FIFA Peace Prize winner would do this

teach your kids to butlerian jihad

*me as an identical twin watching Forensic Files* "You can't trust twins."

extremely bad time for an astronaut to find out he's a werewolf

the devil can no longer afford to wear prada in this economy

I need to spend a lot more time alone in the woods

The 40 minute radio darkness is the perfect time for the astronauts to point the nose away from earth and just fucking floor it

(robbing a pharmacy) I’m pillaging.

Oh boy I don’t like any of this. I shouldn’ve never learned how to read.

I got the good chocolate and I'm not sharing.

"You know what we need to do? We need to get the fuck out of here, that's what we need to do."

Watching the Seven Percent Solution and was not expecting this

If you aren't someone the church would have persecuted 400 years ago, are you even living?

[seeing a lion] oh shit [seeing a witch] Oh Shit [seeing a wardrobe] OH SHIT

This is wisdom beyond compare.

grabbing the car door handle and pulling while it was still locked was me flirting, please respond

i dont know why the chicken crossed the road and its tearing me apart

Three cheese could include, as one of the three, a four cheese.

this would fix me

Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz

Rising fuel prices have forced us to shut down our gasoline-powered slot machines

Nope. Can't. The cat is slow-blinking at me.

*gets last year's supper out of the attic*

on a road trip frantically eating Froot Loops before i get to the agricultural inspection

The problem with Jesus is he’s impossible to live up to. No matter how hard I try, I’ll never have abs like that

When you don’t repost me, I just figure you don’t want any of your friends to know how brilliantly funny I am.

hope you nail someone today for those who celebrate

Girls only want one thing and that's to be Midsommar'd

Sorry I wormed my way into your ant farm. Your soil is delicious.

Ever just want to *mumbling*

that’s a smooth grift.

why the hell would we put windows 11 in space

what kinds of snacks do they have up there

sisyphus becomes a hitman and his first target is kenny from south park

Oh you're wearing mixed fabrics. The bible says i can stone you to death for that.

I wish legacy media wouldn’t joke about celebrity deaths on April Fools’ Day.

💪