“And if you have five seconds to spare Then I'll tell you the story of my life: Sixteen, clumsy and shy I went to London and I I booked myself in at the Y... W.C.A I said: ‘I like it here - can I stay? I like it here - can I stay? Do you have a vacancy For a Back-scrubber?’"

Landlord finally got back to me. Poltergeist guy is coming Monday.

there’s a new charmin commercial where the teenage daughter of the shitting bear family is an influencer reviewing charmin for her channel or whatever. i don’t approve of this. why can’t the shitting bear child be a surgeon. or a celebrated academic

Ronald McDonald’s wife was made from one of his McRibs according to the McBible Thanks for following

You have just made a powerful enemy *gives you the cookie with only one chocolate chip*

The 80s were a time when Al Bundy, an idiot shoe salesman, could afford a 3 bedroom home in Chicago.

Producer: We need villains for our next Godzilla movie. Thoughts? Exec 1: A pterodactyl? Exec 2: A robot doppelgänger? Exec 3, wearing a sweater riddled with holes: How about he punches a giant moth right in its stupid fucking face

croissant inventor: how bout bread that explodes when you touch it

am I smarter than a 5th grader? buddy, I'm not even smarter than me when I was in fifth grade

In high school, I was voted most likely to die one day short of retirement

Don’t dwell on mistakes you made in the past. You have an entire lifetime of mistakes to make ahead of you.

#scriptsky / #filmsky community We are excited to announce that the submission portal for the 2026 Grey List is NOW OPEN!! Head over now and nominate the best scripts you've read from writers over 40 (that includes yourself). You can scan the QR code in the image below 👇or use the link in my bio.

Me: I have acrophobia Friend: yeah, I’m afraid of heights too Me, legit fucking terrified of acrobats: what?

I accidentally wrote grateful as "gratefuk."  It sounds like something Doc Brown would say in the Rated R version of Back to the Future.  "Great Fuck, Marty, the flux capacitor is hella murked, bruh!"

Mike's Hard Existential Dread

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home: The TV remote is in the bathroom The kitchen scissors are under your kid's bed Your keys are behind the toaster And your chapstick is gone forever - give up on that one

Because I know zero or even 1 of you is dying for this, here are my 2025, 31 days of horror watches. Horror is year round for me, but October is special. And I got to see several classics in the theater this year. The list: 10/1 - House on Eden (2025) 10/2 - Good Boy (2025) 10/3 - Bone Lake (2024)

The biggest mindfuck of getting older is when things that happened yesterday feel like they happened 30 years ago and things that happened 30 years ago feel like they happened yesterday. Why did no one prepare me for this?

Perfectly stated.

Great to have all of these people in the same place at the same time for the first time in a LONG time! I’d steal from Terry Benedict with this crew! @iboldsluglines.bsky.social @gcgeek.bsky.social @mpb07.bsky.social #frightreadsbookfestival #TheNightWatchmen

Absolutely honored to collaborate with pro screenwriter & content creator Nic Curcio for an exclusive launch vid: Follow him on IG (NicolasCurcio) & TikTok (NicolasCurcioWriter) for the full video! Here’s a clip!

Lights. Camera. RADNESS— For your consideration, The Stunt List S4 presents the premiere of an original series from an Oscar-winner, never-before-seen pages from a comedy legend, & introduces emerging scribes who are HOT (on the page) but don’t know it— Marquee preview below #scriptsky 👇🏻

Not unlike Jay-Z, I too have 99 problems, but I round them up to 100 because of my OCD

A wasp’s nest is just a goth piñata

I’m smart but I’m nondirectionally smart That means I’m not good at anything

DTF stands for Decided To Floss.

I put on my t-shirt like everyone else. With a cannon.

Not a lot of people know this but the MC in MC Hammer stands for master carpenter

I forgot the name for wood stove so instead I called it indoor camp fire.

Spoiler alert: the missing nutrient is Brawndo. It’s got what bees (and plants) crave!

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Due to unusual scream volume, the abyss cannot answer your screams at this time. Your screams are very important to us. Please continue to scream and we will be with you shortly

*images of double-decker buses, Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament, and random people eating fish and chips all set to London Calling by The Clash* -every tv show & movie subtly letting us, the viewers, know that this one is set in London

1990s Summer would fix me.

Welcome to your 50s. You know every word of “Rapper’s Delight” but you forgot you already bought bananas yesterday and now you’re ready to feed the monkeys you don’t even have.

These hips don't lie...nor do these replacements.

“Are you packed for our camping trip?” Me grabbing all-over body deodorant spray and that’s it: yep

ME: If you spell kayak backwards, it still spells kayak. WIFE: Yes. Also called a palindrome. ME: I think you'll find it's also called a canoe, Sharon.

*a show that I watched once 30 days ago disappears from my Continue Watching* Hey, I was watching that!

I'm sitting in a waiting area reading some of the magazines. Lots of breaking news in this August 2014 edition of Hello Canada.

When life gives you lemons, tell it thank you for saving you from scurvy, you ungrateful fuck

Anonymous Tipster: This bar is laundering money for drug dealers Anonymous Hipster: And they don’t have a single local craft brew on tap

Me on grocery store intercom: I’d like to warn the other shoppers that there’s a hugger on aisle five

Lyrics to Final day Natalie Imbruglia of vacation song 🤝 Cold and I am shamed  Lying naked on the floor

I'm really enjoying this drive through the desert. There's so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

The Bear but it’s about a huge bear on top of someone’s head helping him cook

"Would you love me if I was warm?" - your girl who is perpetually cold all year round

I am currently on step 4 with the below skeet

The Stunt List is FREE. Intentionally inclusive, diverse. Ran by volunteer writers. A curation, not a contest. Official selections intro’d to industry VIPs. Projects hosted, free. 100k script views. Writers signed. Feat in: MoviemakerMag & BloodyDisgusting We appreciate ur love! #scriptsky

Lights. Camera. RADNESS— Splash Page is an indie comic showcase featuring cinema-ready IP by Emmy-winners, creators from DC Comics, Marvel, The Watchmen, and the raddest emeging voices. Full comics, world premieres & screenplay adaptations available! Special Marquee below 👇🏻 #scriptsky #comicsky