Just watched the Bad Bunny halftime show again. Missed so much last night: the sublime musicianship and choreography, the loving message of unity, the cartilage in the hips of all those young people, etc

I can’t be the only dipshit that thought this was Phil Dunphy

if we used quicksand in hourglasses the weekend would be here already

Your nonsense inspires me.

i enjoyed the giggles, but could have done without the shits

Most compelling pitch email I've gotten in a while - Asymmetric multiplayer game, and it's One Chef vs. Several Rats

if you’re looking for a funner time look no farther

my son turned 19 today which is so weird because 2007 was only like ten years ago

Eating fresh hot French fries straight from the bag while driving is better than a lot of sex tbh

Just here existing a little too loudly for my wife’s convenience. As is usual.

In reality, ''meow'' isn't always a request for food or belly rubs, many times it's just the cat saying ''well,well, well..''

the Andes mountains got their name because someone misheard "and these mountains" in a meeting and everyone was too polite to correct them

(me making fun of your crop rotation idea and thereby holding our people back another 5000 years) jeff thinks the beans have to take turns lmao

I miss the days when Olympians contracted hitmen to take out rivals with a tire iron

if I can’t bring my cats I’m not goin

sorry to humble brag, but with deep concentration, I can move my hiccups through my digestive track and turn them into flatulence

The commentators are not watching the right thing as a joke, but fate only laughs at its own jokes. Shakespeare's lost play Any Sport Will Ado found the whole time

a hobbit’s hog could be huge if a hobbit’s hog could hang high

a hobbit hog is like a baby’s arm holding an apple

just how huge is a hobbit's hog if a hobbit's hog hung high

approximately how big is a hobbit’s hog? why isn’t this explicitly stated??

Gandalf really is heroic when you consider that there were originally five wizards and one of them turned evil, two of them fucked off and went out east to have orgies, and one is just super into talking to gophers. The one last hope of free peoples was the stoner and that crazy mfer did it.

It's important that I get a large sample size of answers to this: Is Gandalf horny? Chaste? Somewhere in between?

If you listen very carefully you can hear the Mario shrinking sound whenever I get my feelings hurt

MY NEIGHBORS: jesus christ i can’t believe rob is gettin laid again ME: and now to put on my other sock

you don’t understand how much you want me to have a drafts folder

actually on bluesky we don’t call them drafts we call them precum

If I ever find myself in a pickle I will simply eat my way out.

rage verification

im old enough to out wait a pear

911: what is your emergency HUMPTY DUMPTY: help i’ve fallen and i can’t get up 911: hang on sir we’re sending horses and men HUMPTY DUMPTY: what no i need an ambulance 911: horses and men sir

happy dog with a too big stick trying to get through a door is my entire life energy

i can post worse if you give me a chance

after a whole day of doing the bare minimum: man i deserve a fucking break

It was a good day (saw ravens irl)

A coworker says “Great Morning” instead of “Good Morning” and I feel like that should be a fireable offense.

in a world of loneliness and horror, silliness abounds on a tiny niche of social media site on the internet...

I still believe the Olympians should be competing side by side with regular people. They make it all look too easy. We need to see the struggle.

meanwhile, on australian bluesky

I don’t have seasonal depression. I have a reasonable depression.

Your mama don’t dance & your daddy don’t rock & roll? That explains some of what’s wrong with you.

pretty cool M.C. Escher could draw all that stuff and still find time to rap

taking a year off from work to clear out my camera roll

The dentist says I need a crown but Id rather have a tiara.

they should make a galentine's day for couples

I love having a melancholic personality because the sun could be shining at a very specific angle after it rains and it will destroy me

baking a king cake but instead of a plastic baby inside it’s my index finger

wacky inflatable arm guys took my job

the trail is especially beautiful on a cloudy day - Irvine, CA

Gonna get me a labrador, train her to count and call her: Crystal, math lab