I’m concerned my 401K is really a Wile E. Coyote style fake painting of my savings.

My white underwear has a bunch of green stains on it does that count for St Patrick Day?

Sorry i'm late, just not into it, you see

my eyes are green so fuck off

Vodka and French fries are the true way to celebrate my people today.

Kiss me. I'm braless.

A group of people fucking around online on a Monday morning is called an American Workforce.

- It's obviously a dorsal fin. Did you really need ME to tell you that? - Well, doctor, I didn't have it yesterday.

Eating wasabi peas and crying at my desk

I would, but I don’t have the energy to open my heavy crypt door today.

Happy American St. Patrick’s

the morning alarm is the biggest betrayal

I have an eidiotic memory

[on cloud 10] me: wow this sucks. the last one was way better.

We don’t care what is happening on that hellsite, let it go.

Pretending to be normal is fucking exhausting

does staring at my phone count as a hobby?

Stick with me and we’ll be first to the bathroom at intermission.

this stock photo of a hot mental patient is making me sign up for online therapy

butthole skeeting >>> politics skeeting

The cost of living has gotten so high that I started selling feet pics. My husband is kinda pissed about it but in the end, it was my sole decision.

Don’t worry about me. I’m just walking around like a lopsided pancake.

[dinner party host] ugh this wine is piss [me, a kinky boy] oh wow okay i could use a top up

Apparently Golden Grahams aren't even made with real gold‽

Call me old fashioned but I never skip the intro on the 1st episode.

me: my skeets are complete garbage reply guy: that is offensive to actual garbage

i put the 'dude' into "dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

My own version of an extreme sport is making it to the front door before my neighbour talks to me.

me: (guessing what) it better not be chicken butt i stg

If it looks haunted, it's haunted.

Me: *carefully folds the towels and puts them away* Still me: *carefully folds Junior's clothes and puts them all away in his room* Also me: *dumps my clean clothes into a pile next to my bed like a teenage goblin*

Caught a pretty good fight at the Waffle House last night…or as they call it around here: dinner theater.

The cat's very smart, but he still hasn't pieced together some basic patterns, like me needing to take the old litter outside before I can top it up with fresh stuff. Honestly, some days I'm not sure how he even got his engineering degree.

Sorry I thought by threesome you meant you, me and a cheesecake.

I bet if peanut butter was a person they’d be real attractive.

Organized Crime is similar to regular crime, but everyone wears matching outfits and arrives precisely on time.

Kids today have no idea what it was like to have to buy a TV Guide in the store to see what was happening on their favorite shows.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and damn I wish I could stop.

On a scale of 1 to Norman Bates, how close are you with your mother?

You mad because you didn’t finish or because I yelled ‘I win’ when I did?

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Also, all y'all motherfuckers need to wear some deodorant.

My goat oracle will no longer make eye contact with me.

I know this is a major misconception but slugs and snails produce mucus to survive, NOT to be sexy.

Just because I blocked you doesn’t mean I don’t love you

I didn’t say I‘m right I said I’m certain.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, why can't I just take a shower instead of going to church?

Eat too, Brutus.