Bars are not as fun as I remember

Older, wiser, and filled with regret for all the booty calls I misread

I have a drawer full of clean underwear and a heart full of hope

we’re doing donuts in the parking lot down the street later if you’re around

I don’t think those clowns behind Operation Epic Fury know how a ceasefire works much less a dictionary

Have you ever noticed that the people who are most concerned about you "living in reality" are the same ones who think a lottery ticket is a legitimate retirement plan? —My reality.

The fucking exceptional singularity that is you

Put my shirt on backwards today. Didn't notice until noon. Some guy at the shop had to point it out. I told him, "It's avant-garde. It's a style choice." —It was not a style choice. I'm just an idiot who got out of bed.

Got out of bed, walked into a doorframe. It’s been there for years. Suddenly it's my enemy. I apologized to it. That's where I'm at—apologizing to the doorframe. My wife says, "You’re definitely a bona fide Canadian who apologizes to wood."

my 15 year old after 2 days of driver’s ed: your hands aren’t supposed to be on that part of the wheel 🙄

I’m not proving you’re wrong, I’m proving I’m right.

March 1st. The one day a year you look at a calendar and think, "This is a whole lot of month for absolutely no payoff." There's no holiday. No day off. Just thirty-one days of waiting for the next thing to complain about.

My niece has to sell candy bars so her school band can afford new music stands, but obviously there's an unlimited budget for single-use kamikaze drones.

Look at your calendar for March 1st. It's blank. Nothing. Not even a "National Something Day." —It's the only day of the year that's so unimportant, the greeting card companies just gave up.

Word from Iran is that The Epstein Files survived the attack.

A “Show Less Like This” button for real life

My favourite bit of Star Trek memorabilia is a saffron cockring. I don't wear it often, because it makes my bits warp.

sommelier: would sir care for wine? me: care for it? I’d nurture it like it’s my first born

Crocs are what feet wear when the soul has given up. You put on a pair, you're basically telling the world, "I'm not going anywhere important, and if I do, I'm prepared to hose myself off afterwards."

Trying to believe that people have a higher standard. The par is low.

If only i could get paid to brainstorm.

Take to the backroads and let them know you mean meandering

The person who came up with the toaster doneness scale only ever had toast described to him

a marsh but it’s full of mallows omg

i don't live in the US but my heart is hurting so much for all the good people there. I wish I could share my strength with you as you fight tyranny and idiocy. Please stay safe my friends 💔🖤

We all know that folding a fitted sheet is utterly nonsense. It's origami for crazy people.

A burning desire to succeed sounds like a medical condition. It's heartburn, folks. They've confused professional achievement with acid reflux.

You ever notice how the toilet paper roll is always empty when you need it most? It's not empty. It's a test. —A test to see if you've been doing your kegel exercises.

They call it "February" because it sounds like "Feb-uary," which is Latin for the month where your face freezes into a permanent state of disappointment.

Got my HAVE YOU TEXTED THESE PEOPLE welcome mat.

This day in history. 1969. Influential Canadian anthropologist Charles Marius Barbeau died in Ottawa. I'm sure he was just kidding when he said that the Haida and Tlingit people were driven out of Asia by Genghis Khan, and also when he stole that Nisga'a totem pole and sold it to a Scottish museum.

This day in history. 1970. After Eva von Zeppelin called them shrieking monkeys and threatened to sue, Led Zeppelin played a concert in Copenhagen under a pseudonym. I hope it was Shrieking Monkeys.

"Humor me." "It's humour." "I SAID HUMOR ME."

Schrödingers headache: when you both want them to take the hints and not want them to take the hints.

Some random guy liked a post from last year just now, it made me miss Twitter.

when a dude bores you to death you have been manslain

thanks to capitalism we have too many chandeliers to swing from and not enough gallows

I would never kick someone when they are down, i would however kick them down in the first place.

deleting linkedin seems like a solid way to let old acquaintance be forgot

One of the light bulbs in the fixture over my bathroom sink burned out and I finally have self-confidence

I received a participation trophy from myself today.

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

Is there any day that people give less of a shit about than Thursday?

Just commissioned a portrait of myself that will be called, “Festering Garbage in Repose.”

That faint smell in the kitchen? Not real. The 20-minute argument about whether it's the garbage or the drain? —That's marriage.

I am already there and I am not old ... Oh boy.

my dad got me a sweatshirt that says “first of all, i’m a delight,” so i’m getting him a t-shirt that says “i wasn’t yelling. i was parenting.”