Basic self worth seems boastful to me.

Can't. I'll be having a terrible time at someone else's holiday party

I'm so old, I remember having to carry my luggage because it didn't have wheels.

Cats aren't afraid of the void

Ok I totally misunderstood what pool noodles were, my bad.

I dunno, with the amount that Pete Kegsbreath drinks I don't think his resolve is capable of stiffening anymore

My gift was a "mystery flavour" jellybean advent calendar. Day one tasted like "unresolved tension." Day two was "damp wool socks." I'm scared for day twenty-five. Could it be, Uncle Dave’s “tossing his cookies?”

My phone keyboard is always trying to express my thoughts better than I do. Maybe I should turn off auto-compete.

Dad tried to train the dog to bring him slippers. The dog brings him increasingly personal items from other people’s rooms. We’re still trying to determine who’s the owner of the “butt plug” the dog retrieved.

My brain can remember a random event from 10 years ago, but can easily forget why I walked into a room 10 seconds ago.

Somebody dress me and shove me out the door please?

Sometimes I get annoyed when my wife scrolls during one of our shows but then I find myself grateful that she doesn't do it during sex.....yet.

I considered learning the saxophone. Then I realized the only thing more tragic than a sad, sixty-two-year-old man is a sad, sixty-two-year-old man forcing his neighbours to listen to him learn "Careless Whisper."

I have a dream…🙏

My guardian angel arrived, showed me how terrible the world would be without me, and then sent me an invoice for his consulting services.

My reposts are kicking so much ass right now.

Being spun around on a playground merry go round would fix me.

That which does not kill you makes you wonder how in the name of christ you survived it.

I had a moment of clarity so brutal, I think I owe my poor brain alimony.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but Monday is coming faster than your ex.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Try listening to Frosty the Snowman for the 47th time and not developing a detailed plan involving a hairdryer.

Got tazed at the mall for shouting SLEIGH QUEEN at their Mrs Claus.

They never talk about the third wise man who showed up with a practical gift. "Gold, Frankincense, Myrrh... and I brought a casserole. It's got a nice crunch on top. Who's hungry?

before you ask me for nudes you should know that my boobs look like the ears of a basset hound

Our dog is shedding his winter coat. Inside. In late December. I have tumbleweeds of Jack Russell fur rolling past the nativity scene. The Baby Jesus is now wearing a fur coat.

My favourite Christmas carol is the sound of someone slipping on black ice.

Wearing my lucky hoodie with the thumb hole sleeve just in case someone challenges me to a thumb war competition.

Our Christmas family photo looks like a hostage situation where everyone negotiated their own release.

If you have to spend Christmas in jail, you’ll most likely get a lump of coal in your stocking. On a positive note: —You’ll have something to barter.

My wife gave the Christmas carolers her very special marijuana eggnog. When they began to leave, the carolers suddenly turned into a progressive jazz band. —Silent Night got weird.

Reverse cowgirl surfers are trendy this year.

After many years of being stoned, let’s just say I’m the reason our family photo looks like someone interrupted a synchronized nap.

The Elf on the Shelf is getting out of hand and has me concerned. He’s reorganized the spice rack. It now reads: “REG RET CUMIN.”

I’ll take Pamprin to feel something.

life’s a numbers game and all i know is the alphabet

I don’t mean to brag, but I have more hoodies than I even know what to do with and I keep buying more. Bc hoodies

I don’t know what that means at all but it involves music and I love music (fun!)

“Somebody better take away my credit card before I buy another holiday scented candle!”……I say to the cashier who has seen me 3 times already, today.

my head tilts sideways like a dog when i read a random good reply

my husband never has a second cup of the thing he only asks hookers to do in hotels at home

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

sorry i scream sang “b-b-b-b-b bennie and the jets” into your baby’s face

Wanna make out in the soft glow of the national dumpster fire?

I was sure Mensa would have solved all our problems by now.

A Life Alert necklace but for when I need a Slim Jim.

[dinosaurs from heaven] i think we made the right choice

i just want someone to look at me the way my lab looks at a dorito

Not sure how I feel about holiday beverages – I’m eggnostic HAHA I wanted to get this joke out one more time before we're all sent to work in the asbestos mines

"Nobody" & "Nobody 2" as a double feature for in-house date night. My wife canceled the date. 😂