If they don't appreciate you. Ghost 'em.

My therapist can get me in first thing tomorrow morning because I'm her favorite. I mean, she can't say that, but it's pretty obvious.

Congress. Get off your asses and save America, you corrupt pieces of shit.

I question my upbringing when I remember as a child thinking 'The Hardy Boys' was the best show on television.

jump scare but it’s someone liking a 6 month old reply

got kicked out of the pessimist club for saying January has been good and is going pretty fast

Marriage: To have and to hold. Divorce: To hold onto half.

I have two uniforms. One is a costume called “Responsible Adult,” which I wear to fund the other costume: “Guy Who Forgot to Put Trash Bags in the Can.”

I tried positive thinking once. I looked in the mirror and said, “Today is going to be great!” My own reflection looked back, skeptical, and said, “Based on what bloody evidence?”

I look at a "half-price" sale and think, "So originally, this was twice as much of a rip-off?

It’s the “good morning” text you answer first, that’s how you’ll know

You can’t fix crazy, but you can join it.

To be continued, right after this mood swing.

Drew Carey had it right on Who’s Line when he said “everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.”

my music taste? it's basically heavy metal but before heavy metal was invented. Rachmaninov, Ravel, Chopin, Bach...

If you don’t like and reskeet my posts, are we even friends?

The modern world sucks but at least we have wine delivery

Gingivitis would be a beautiful name for a girl.

So my wife had to get an MRI. For those unfamiliar, that's where they put you in a giant, expensive donut so it can scream at you for 45 minutes. —It's like a nightclub for your bones. Terrible music, no drinks.

The MRI technician asks my wife, "Are you claustrophobic?" —Sir, I'm a middle-aged woman. My idea of an adventure is buying the weird-flavoured hummus. Okay-dokie then!

Getting an MRI is the universe correcting your ego. They don't just put you in a tube. They put you in a tube that's a foot too short. —Yeah, this should fit a human, said the guy who probably designs airplane seats as a hobby.

Me, on my deathbed: Oatmeal raisin cookies are delicious and all other cookies are garbage.

Love bombing with molotov cocktails.

why are my ideas half off in the marketplace

Mechanically separated chicken sounds bionic and delicious pass the the thai chili sauce please

Nobody gets outta here without a butthole skeet

Gave myself carpal tunnel from doing the jerkoff motion too much when men start talking near me

Technically taxidermists can also do your taxes and drive taxis.

dont ask anyone here anything like 'should i eat the extra cookie'- talk about useless

a 6 year gap in my résumé that just says “Tom Tom Club”

If you give your kids raw goat milk from a rusty bucket, they can fight off multiple diseases from the 1800s!

filling my weekly pill organizer with hopes and dreams

My first encounter with a bidet. —Why is there a water sniper in my bathroom?

If someone subskeets you then maybe you do exist.

Adviser to the demented president: Sir, that’s Greenland. It’s mostly ice. The name is a real estate scam from the Vikings in the year 982.

butthole was the case that they gave me

The way things are going… it’s time to stock up on Slim Jim’s and Jolt Cola.

im already over tomorrow

You show me a Black Betty, I'll show you a bam-ba-lam. That's the deal.

I still spill my drink at the dinner table...flirting.

Total darkness sounds great right now.

Today wasn't supposed to be a great day, and it kept its promise.

I can do enough emotional damage to myself, thank you.

Was about to fucking reply, poured a bourbon, fucking ripped a dart, didn't fucking reply We all fucking win

If I farted a wrong note, would you ask me if I studied at Juilliard?

*walks just close enough to stay dry under your umbrella but not too close as to arouse suspicion

Wife: I told you not to watch this show without me. It says three episodes have been watched. Me [thinking fast]: I’m having an affair. My girlfriend watched them, not me. Wife: You’d better not be lying.

I swung my coat with so much gusto that I took down a ficus tree and an elderly couple.

I've been binge watching this show called Fireplace for weeks now.