be the reason mall santa "needs a minute", before the next person sits in his lap

your pornstar name is just your mum's name

A lint roller but for my life

"oh yeah? well how about you 'everlasting gobstopper' on these you fucking weirdo" charlie said, stuffing another oompa loompa bollock into wonka's mouth...

let’s flood the house with carbon monoxide, make love, pass out sex-drunk & call it a life

Actually, how even did Gwyneth Paltrow get away with selling that candle? Like if there was a Robert DeNiro candle called, “This Smells Like My Penis” it would be borderline sex offense.

But have you tried a comically large sandwich about it?

I got filter straws for the apocalypse so who wants to come over and drink the creek water behind my house with me to see if they work

In my experience you should shut the fuck up

die hard is a labour day movie...

float like poop in a hot tub, sting like wasabi in your lube...

Here to judge the skeets

the story about pinocchio's nose growing longer was all a lie

I’m wearing lots and lots of clothes -me flirting

worm in my apple, thought of you

Not to brag but I haven’t acted like a psycho once today

People that understand sarcasm are the real heroes.

Sorry about the jizz on your ceiling It’s been a while

Marty Mcfly: a time machine? Lets go back in time and stop Hitler Doc Brown: oooor we could help your dad fuck your mom

Some people's spirit animal is a mosquito. You know, annoying as fuck.

I honestly and truly believed that growing old would take a lot longer.

I think it's cool that every country gets its own dangerous conman for ignorant people to follow.

*makes bruce lee noises as i cum*

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one shoe and hit the person who’s talking over the head.

*rides my bike in front of your house in a sundress while sucking on a lollipop until you notice me

Sliced up some poppyseed bread for breakfast. So obviously I now have to sell the apartment.

wake me up when they make hustling less work

If you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at? Literally anyone

I'm in my 50's and I'm still like, meh, I'll get my shit together tomorrow.

Thought of you.

please do not howitzer the clitoris it’s very special

You might fool me once with that follow followback Unfollow bullshit but no more than six times

You too can try Dubai chocolate for around $10 for 3 servings or save money instead by buying a Cadbury bar and adding sand.

I’ll do that thing that you never talk about and keep hidden deep inside.

Thought I was depressed. Turns out I just needed to replace the batteries in my vibrator.

an american tail is about a little russian mouse who is sick & tired of snow & techno music & everything tasting like dill so he sets sail for america but his ship sinks & he has to share a door with a posh lady who makes him paint her tits or some shit i don't fucking know - anti cat propaganda ⭐⭐⭐

When did eyebrows become sentient because yours are giving me the heebie jeebies.

a golden girls tv/movie crossover: thread

Me: these edibles ain’t shit 20m later: WOAH the moon is huuuge tonight wtf😮

I already resemble a Bond villain, it’s time to go all in.

How many times must I pretend to have a psychotic episode before the neighbors stop trying to make awkward small talk with me?