when i let go of a hug i make a loud rubber chicken noise

weird animal fact. my dog fell asleep on me and i have to pee

no babe you SHOULD stop all traffic to merge over 3 lanes to make the turn that you almost missed

Friday you sexy son of a bitch where have you been?

let go? when i got the music in me??

those shops that do custom signs and banners should have a guy spinning a mattress out front

We are like six months from them outlawing seatbelts.

[clapping when the plane takes off] peanut time

silly ass words for water activities. oh that’s a boogie board? you’re scooba diving? that’s a snorkel? grow up.

had a job and a family until i missed my exit on the interstate and had to start a new life in a different city

starting a small diy music project will fix me

bluesky is dead !??! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

I'm a vegetarian. But not because I love animals, I just really hate plants.

You wouldn’t put pineapple on lasagna

you guys: “bluesky is dying” (several hundred likes)

does anyone know a dentist that puts you to sleep? my teeth are fine i just could use the rest

I never believed it was butter

[seeing opp’s mom on the street] Hey lady! Tell your baby I said *narrows eyes, lowers voice* goo goo gaga

if i were a honey badger i would still care

Ok so here's the thing: no

nothing pisses me off more than when i have to hold things

exchanging my itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini for one that fits

if i were a cricket i would shut up about it

the kangarooster goes g’day a doodle doo

you’re in her DMs. I’m a little teapot.

I hate when I sneeze while I’m driving and go off a cliff.

peak times when a band would be from Boston and so they would name themselves Boston.

come to bluesky, we have the most boomer-ass gif selection

I’m just saying potatoes and cheese never hurt me

I am a corn dog trapped in a man's body

this is my emotional support shower floor

middle schooler on an e-scooter stole my breakfast pickle

if I lose my poor meatball i stfg

White girls love to hand you a bushel of sage

i will never put ranch on pizza. i am a man of principles.

MASSIVE relief when the elevator door opens and there’s nothing weird going on in there

I’ll be minding my own business and then remember that the microwave needs to be cleaned

[whenever I see two otters] I wonder if they're brotters

how it feels to pee after 3 hazy IPAs and no food

What if Bob Saget’s last name started with an F? Like instead of Bob Saget he was Bob Franklin

Make the whole pretzel out of salt already

(getting kicked out of the house) you know what *lets a moth in*

can you die of too much news

bra is short for boob restriction apparatus

Emergency Room medical staff wearing roller skates would save lives

eating clean (sliced bars of soap)

roy, short for royjamin or roytthew or something like that

today was a waste of great shorts

my neighbor works for State Farm and we have this fun inside joke where I yell "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, THERE YOU ARE" whenever I see him, and he yells back "SHUT THE FUCK UP TANAKA" hahaha it's stupid but it's our thing