Everyone’s mad at me for being cool and fun and using up the water supply

It’s ok with me if people wanna make news like I’m not hateful but please just don’t shove it down my throat

My dad used to let me beat the shit out of him if I made honor roll

Men are so triggering I can’t imagine having one near my daughter

Public nudity being illegal is so funny “oh no! A butt :(“

Hypothetically. If my dick and balls switched so it was like one ball two dicks

Excuse me cunt judge lady can I please call the plaintiff ugly

I’m selling $400 for $500 DM if interested

Tag me in your sex tape coward

Yes this situation is awful! But not to worry, I have gotten very angry about the parts I cannot control so everything should be just fine

Needed my self respect and health so I’m being brutally punished financially, as the lord intended

Please don’t show me anything about elephants or whales they are so close to god and I’m too fragile

REPUBLICAN: omg a gang of youths rode bikes down the street and one did that thing where you go up on just the back tire REPUBLICAN'S WIFE: wheelie REPUBLICAN: i shit you not linda i thought i was done for

Everyone everywhere thinks they can just name their streets Broadway like why am I in the dregs of New Jersey on some off brand Broadway

You’re so beautiful! Why is that? What are you hiding?

If you can drink drinks why can't you food foods? Sorry I know this isn't very good but if I'm not perceived every 3 hours I'll cease to exist

People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

“She’s watching my stories I think she likes me” babe, I dropped my phone when I fell asleep on the toilet

“I’m in love with a stripper” ok well I’m in love with the art of pole so get your poser ass outta here

If youre getting drug tested but you dont have to pee is it cool to cum in the cup instead of

One time I posted a joke about how idk what I’m doing ever and my boss saw it and made the entire agency have a meeting about imposter syndrome

*stabbing him 18 times in the heart* Later at his funeral: it was just horrible his EpiPen didn’t work at all

Throwing back ozempic in a shot glass

But isn’t life just one big love island?

Finally had time to watch this today. An absolute delight! Strongly recommend.

Jimmy Eat Buffet

Moaning “yeah don’t stop” to the waiter grating Parmesan on my pasta

I made a fort out of sandwiches for you pls respond

I’ve never done anything on purpose

You’re more than just a friend. You’re also infuriating

HOW CAN I BUILD A BEAR I’M NOT GOD

Manifesting my ideal partner: Antics Maybe has snacks idk Does hair (optional) Thinks about me when they eat popsicles

*rides off into the sunset* *returns to check and see if the oven is turned off*

😂😂😂

I learned how to dissociate from the movie Click

You’re playing hard to get? Cool I’m playing my life has been really hard so I’m weird now

Saying I have a personality disorder is so insensitive. It’s not some passive thing just handed to me, I’m fostering it and making it worse everyday

I’m not trauma dumping this is just my life it’s really bad

Eating chicken salad to relieve stress

“I’d be happy to discuss this further” is an extremely loose interpretation of the word happy

a dude? with nipples?? seems kinda gay

Does anyone want a gf with three felonies on her record?

Can America please vote on what we should get for dinner

Hey I heard when people tell jokes you don’t get it and give serious feedback about your opinion on the subject matter wanna hang out?

Omg for the last time you’re not in love with me I played with my girlie toxic powers so you’d feel like you were and I regret it!

[peering out the window as blood rains from the sky] we needed this

guacamole is the most dramatic of the dips

Realizing I can actually leave work and lie down and eat ice cream until bed time wow ok who needs a vacation or nature or god not me