Nothing like a quote from the Bible to make me even more confused “god will set forth a table of oxen before your enemies” oh ok thank you

Borat voice: “my liiiiiife”

Idea: pink rope for the *girlies* who wanna hang themselves ❤️

“Password strength: weak” You should see my sense of self

My porn name would be my full name on my government issued ID

We only rate dogs. This is a whirlpool. Please don't get too close. It is quite powerful. Still 13/10 (IG: goldenbabybasil)

My baby Ziggy grazing on a sunny day 🤗 he’s an 11 year basset hound/husky rescue

One time I hit a buddhist monk with my car open.substack.com/pub/hannahkr...

I’m 35 which is the new 25 according to people who are 35

Most movies and shows are like “this guy didn’t rape a woman. Which is soooooooo sweet!”

Remember me as a kind of gay

Imagine if a woman president crashed the economy and started a war with no end in sight, and her biggest, seemingly ONLY concern was building a ballroom and redecorating the White House.

Broke into a basement and yelled at everyone

#standupcomedy #comedy Being gorgeous in public again

HER: why did you think that’s what i wanted for dinner? ME: let’s just say i had a cinnamon toast hunch HER: i want to break up

I could not be a marriage counselor I’d make them break up when they got too annoying for me

pronouncing nutella with a spanish ll

I like when doctors insist medical symptoms are just stress. Yes, I am stressed, that’s why I came to pay a hefty medical bill so I could beg you to give me a blood test. That always calms me down, thank you!

If you need to prove you can read for whatever reason, feel free to read this aloud to anyone you like open.substack.com/pub/hannahkr...

*gets mother out of the attic*

Do not laugh at my shirt. No matter how ironic and hilarious it is do not laugh at my shirt until we emerge from the murky depths of Hades into the sub’s light

[date] her: I’m a librarian me: lol astrology isn’t real

i know things feel tough right now but there is a lot to look forward to imo

Did a “permanent record” end up being a real thing? Where is mine? Is it the tattoo on my thigh that says “diarrhea” in thrasher font?

Ordering a vanilla latte with one Splenda for my coffee colonic

Hot dogs are a food for only children and drug addicts

it’s almost my company’s fiscal year end and i have no idea which coworker i’m going to kiss at 3:30

(in the same tone as a horned up me-yow) skree-yonk

You don’t need 23 and me just get a racist person from Boston real mad at you, they’ll know.

does anyone have $125 plus however much a mannequin costs. this might be my only chance to have a father

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp8M... #standupcomedy #comedy #gorgeous

Whote is the past tense of white

Hi honey! New post for you ❤️ open.substack.com/pub/hannahkr...

non alcoholic beer with electrolytes in it. reverse beer

I need society to collapse for financial reasons

Tread on me harder

For the absolute last time: I *never* said I thought E.T. dressed in the wig and the dress was sexy, I said *I could see why people would think that*

I love every piece of garbage in my car like it’s my own child

A guy asked me to come over and I said yes! I’m gonna hang myself at his house

Him: why are you so angry with me? Me: it’s called flirting you absolute piece of shit

I don’t care if my daughter is gay or straight! I love her no matter what ❤️ (As long as she wins the Miss Teen USA pageant)

“I’d be happy to discuss this further” is an extremely loose interpretation of the word happy

Feels like whoever made my burger loves pickles a weird amount but thinks everyone loves them that much

If I were to get one plastic surgery it would be to make my pussy blue raspberry flavor

my neighbor says that he is not a genie yet every time i rub his house he comes outside

Open the Fuckin’ Chick-fil-A, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell

it's a chicken and he's going to feed himself to it to make up for what he's done

Hot ppl shouldn’t be allowed to be mean. It’s not fair to us. #sexy #mean #happyeaster

People want to laugh now. Don’t let them.