THERAPIST: you need to get out of your comfort zone ME: my what

I really hate traveling. The vacation isn’t worth it I spend the week just thinking “soon I will have to go through airport security again.”

Everyone everywhere thinks they can just name their streets Broadway like why am I in the dregs of New Jersey on some “Broadway” where the only thing on it is a Wawa with a shattered front door

there should be a kind of medicine snake who bites you and makes you healthier. such an animal would be beloved by all creatures, held as sacred even by predators. also it would have a little pink heart shape on its head I think, for decoration

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aww he must smell my boyfriend

Eating some solid foods. Newborn babies might want to take note..

I just turned the volume up on a Wendy’s commercial. I’m not sure if I’m gonna spiral but if I do this’ll be documentation of the moment it started.

Feels like whoever made my burger loves pickles a weird amount but thinks everyone loves them that much

People are obsessed with food. There’s other stuff to eat you know

being punished for eating sisyphus style by washing dishes everyday

Sometimes a man I just met will despise me and I can tell it’s because I did not run up to him and immediately put his penis in my mouth

The thing with those obscure laws like “you can’t shoot a duck on Tuesdays in South Carolina” is you’re just gonna drive it underground

I go to the doctor when I feel like being called insane for having physical symptoms

I was gonna do something tonight but I already did something today so that’s cancelled

Throwing back ozempic in a shot glass

I would sleep, but then I wouldn’t be able to spend 9 hours fully concentrating on people who have scorned me

Calling the Mormon church again to just make sure they’re really for sure about everything

“take yourself out on a date” No. Cause then I’m gonna feel pressured to have sex with myself later cause I’m paying and then what if I don’t call ever again it’s just a whole mess

We already have free healthcare just don’t pay your bill

I got brain damage from having hamster dance stuck in my head too long and that’s why I’m happy now

You could never make I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry these days, not with Kevin James wasting away trapped in my crawlspace. Sometimes I drop a grape down there juuuust far enough he can't get it with his tongue

Incels hate women because we don’t like them which is like if poor people hated money

Everyone’s mad at me for being cool and fun and using up the water supply

It’s ok with me if people wanna make news like I’m not hateful but please just don’t shove it down my throat

My dad used to let me beat the shit out of him if I made honor roll

Men are so triggering I can’t imagine having one near my daughter

Public nudity being illegal is so funny “oh no! A butt :(“

Hypothetically. If my dick and balls switched so it was like one ball two dicks

Excuse me cunt judge lady can I please call the plaintiff ugly

I’m selling $400 for $500 DM if interested

Tag me in your sex tape coward

Yes this situation is awful! But not to worry, I have gotten very angry about the parts I cannot control so everything should be just fine

Please don’t show me anything about elephants or whales they are so close to god and I’m too fragile

REPUBLICAN: omg a gang of youths rode bikes down the street and one did that thing where you go up on just the back tire REPUBLICAN'S WIFE: wheelie REPUBLICAN: i shit you not linda i thought i was done for

You’re so beautiful! Why is that? What are you hiding?

If you can drink drinks why can't you food foods? Sorry I know this isn't very good but if I'm not perceived every 3 hours I'll cease to exist

People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

“She’s watching my stories I think she likes me” babe, I dropped my phone when I fell asleep on the toilet

“I’m in love with a stripper” ok well I’m in love with the art of pole so get your poser ass outta here

If youre getting drug tested but you dont have to pee is it cool to cum in the cup instead of

One time I posted a joke about how idk what I’m doing ever and my boss saw it and made the entire agency have a meeting about imposter syndrome

*stabbing him 18 times in the heart* Later at his funeral: it was just horrible his EpiPen didn’t work at all

Throwing back ozempic in a shot glass

But isn’t life just one big love island?

Finally had time to watch this today. An absolute delight! Strongly recommend.

Jimmy Eat Buffet

Moaning “yeah don’t stop” to the waiter grating Parmesan on my pasta

I made a fort out of sandwiches for you pls respond

I’ve never done anything on purpose