my pitch for fixing representative democracy is that every elected official is followed around by an Enforcer who monitors them 24/7 and any of their constituents can tell the Enforcer to punch them in the stomach. modern politics is largely defined by a lack of fear of being punched in the stomach

yeah I saw a weird guy today, he was mostly mechanical spider legs?? But he had a smiling wooden head that never moved so he was probably a cool guy

in the last episode of Six Feet Under people permanently stop dying and they have to close the funeral home so they all move to Hawaii and stop having emotional problems

a new soda called 9 Minutes Cola. "It's the cola that takes 9 minutes to drink - guaranteed!"

You could never make I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry these days, not with Kevin James wasting away trapped in my crawlspace. Sometimes I drop a grape down there juuuust far enough he can't get it with his tongue

Im sure Maggie Gyllenhaal's version will be great but if anybody asked me about what to do for a new Bride of Frankenstein id make it a big coincidence that there's a lady monster made of dead bodies. They bump into each other at the mall and they're like NO WAY

Oh my god it was right after the chorus dropped too

At the current rate by January Cuomo will be making concession calls to Mamdani every 8 minutes

Debra Messing has posted another 100 Instagram stories where she's at IKEA which she seems to think is Zohran's house. She's knocking stuff over going "why does big mister communism have SO MANY COUCHES??"

my music algorithm played me the theme to an anime called Xabungle and I thought ok that's a perfect thing for something to be named I wonder what the other names in it are like and now I'm in fucking Good Name Heaven

RIP to Dick Cheney, whose death by riding a rollercoaster to the top of the track and then tossing out a grappling hook tied around his neck like a noose should remind all of us to check on the people in our lives, even if their plans for suicide are pretty cool and inventive

early 90s What Ever Happened to Baby Jane animated series where they sand down the edges like the Beetlejuice cartoon so she's kind of just a weird lady who has adventures with neighborhood children and will do anything for ice cream

I think there should be a registry of everyone who said this type stuff and an official bureau in charge of making sure they follow through with it. you have 30 days to vacate the city or your name is legally changed to Little Baby Stinko and then a number indicating which Little Baby Stinko you are

rip in advance to Scott "Mr Dilbert" Adams who is perhaps most famous for writing a now-deleted four part blog post where he attempted to hypnotize his readers into nutting and asked them to email him after they have nutted to tell him about the nut. www.tumblr.com/manlethotlin...

CHOshinsei Flashman? In this economy?

As someone who thought they were going to cross the street in under 40 minutes I would like to issue a formal condemnation of the Brooklyn Marathon and all of it's participants. Go as fast as you like but we all know where you're running, straight into the arms of your lord and master Beelzebub

ghosts are people who didn't get enough attention while they were alive so now they're all rattling chains around like ooooooh look at meeeeeee. who gives a shit

Red objects should cost slightly more than blue objects, and green more than both

I don't know and am not interested in learning what Fubo is but the concept of "gobbling up Fubo" is very interesting to me. In my mind it's like injera but purple and faintly sweet, probably flavored with honey

I almost stepped on this bird because it was just sitting down totally casual on the street which contrasted with its peers must make it like the toughest, coldest bird around. all chirping in the equivalent of ray winstone's voice, chasing cats

In sitcoms they always do a plot where two characters wear each other's signature outfits to make the other mad and then it turns out ok but I think if someone did this with me in real life I would throw them in front of a train. I would hold them down on the tracks

I keep laffin imagining Andrew Cuomo watching all of his weird slop videos and being like this is so fucking cool, we definitely gotta post this. I'm going to become mayor from this video where Zohran is Borat but every time his head moves his face disappears for a second

If they made Back to the Future now in 2025 when they went back in time it would be dinosaur times, because that's a lot more exciting

Lax Protocol: a Relaxed Jeremy Adventure

I saw a dog that was an Italian greyhound mixed with a German shepherd and I swear to God it looked exactly like this. Eyes pleading with anyone who passed Why Was I Made? Whose Cruel Amusement Do I Exist For?

It's good if every part of your body is clicking when you move, right? Desirable, even? As an outcome?

We've got New and we've got Jolly Old but it's not enough. Time for a third England. Bird England

First John Fetterman, then Graham Platner...I'm beginning to think there are no benevolent oafs in politics

Oh wow it's the episode of Home Improvement where they kill that drifter. You know they really killed that guy, right? His family was at the taping, Tim Allen adopted everybody, even the mom

Mirai Sentai Timeranger (2000) Episode 1

my lover's father shot me with a powerful medical laser

I can't learn to drive because I don't think mentally or emotionally I could possibly handle getting a parking ticket. I'd cry and throw up until I died

If there's something wrong with your body that part of your body should glow red so you know to go to the doctor

I would love to have a pair of sunglasses that makes me more powerful, and evil

If you legally change your name to Mr. Poison it's basically impossible to get a fair trial

toilets are such a miracle. we would all be so sad all the time if they melted or something

when is someone finally gonna send me to fucking fashion week

can we all at least agree that no one should ever be criticized for any reason

it's crazy no show since GLOW has deployed the powerful psychic weaponry of a character played by Marc Maron slowly warming to someone

When I rise to power I'm going to do McCarthyism but only for actors who tried to distance themselves from having been in the Cats movie after everybody thought it was weird. What movie did you cowards think you were making

An old man reminiscing about when streaming services had more stuff on them than just AI generated footage of your own death done lots of different ways

I don't know if I've ever been as delighted by seeing what a celebrity does on computer than when I saw Diane Keaton's Instagram was mostly just videos of her going to swap meets and dancing in a big empty room with a huge wooden cross in it. RIP big dog

I just lost all my money funding an expedition to find the legendary Sword of Friendship only to be told MONTHS LATER there are no legends about a sword called that

I'm very proud of everyone for not allowing themselves to be gaslit into thinking Tron is a big deal like with the last time they did a Tron. It's never important to watch or know about Tron

They should invent a toilet for garbage and it all dumps out into the core of the Earth so it gets bigger, which I assume would be good

To my critics I would simply like to say: silence, fiends!

I know I say this a lot but if I could grow them back I would absolutely love to chop one of my fingers off. I'd do it every year on New Years Eve

is this a dinner where you watch tapirs fuck. Are they doing Eyes Wide Shut shit at the zoo in Canada