It's so stupid that they killed Jesus. That's like the number one guy ever to ransom

there should be an iridescent fluid you can inject into your mouth that gives your mouth Permanent Health. Even after you die your gums and teeth are ready to bite into whatever

the musical montage this leads into made me feel weightless, just totally giddy clapping like a little seal

I don't got a single problem wouldn't be solved by shape shifting. Stop being rude and TEACH ME

the people, desperate for guidance: Ryland, what is the best two song musical genre? Me, emerging from the ocean one last time: the one with the Gokaiger ending theme and the Angela Bassett Did The Thing song in it.

Robert Duvall taught me it was okay to be weird

after 24 hours of intense food poisoning and weird microsleeps my brain was in the exact right place for this notification to Hit in a really special way

my partner is reading me a Greek children's book about a cat and dog who everyone is mad at for living together without being married

insanely good thing to say when you enter a room

was this like the final cute piece of technology ever made

one of my favorite things in TNG is when they want to do an episode about everybody's emotions but they're worried you'll get bored so they also add like ohhh there's uhhhhhh subspace distortions we need to fuckin uhhhh fire a beam at them

drug guy who doesn't like when people say the CIA invented crack because it erases the work of artisans in the field of cocainecrafting

You don't see it very often but for my money one of the greatest sights in the natural world is a full grown bird who absolutely sucks shit at flying. Just cannot get the hang of it and maybe never will

having no electricity for 12 hours has been a great reminder that electricity is a great and powerful god, who I fear and worship

Being punished by the gods for growing a potato that's already got garlic in it, they steal the root and take it back to their cloud after cutting off my hands and feet. I maintain they could have just taken the root

in the first episode of the new season of Ted Lasso his son is torn apart by zoo gorillas so he's all good to move back to england

we have heard the people crying out in one voice for minor changes to the rules by which the murderous child stealing goons operate

looking back it's very funny to me that I took the SATs. I knew who I was going to be

Taking a gummy and smiling at Xena when she smiles during the opening credits is the closest thing I have to how people describe communing with God

like with ice it you gotta hold all democrats responsible for the actions of the worst of them if you want anything to change

Nuremberg trials for ICE is the moderate position

a guy talking to his friend just gestured at me with his cane as though I am a perfect example of what they're talking about. I really hope they're talking about virtuous souls!!!!

My hope for the future is that synthetic diamond machines get cheaper and cheaper until they become children's toys. People all showing up late to work like yeah, sorry, my son ate a bunch of fuckin diamonds AGAIN

Happy 11th anniversary of me losing my fucking mind over this QVC clip

sometimes I will see people describe a TV show as "quirk chungus" and I don't know what that is/won't learn but it makes me feel like I'm looking at someone who is unaware they have really bad radiation poisoning

Ahahahahahaha this turtle is trying to be a person so bad this rocks. usually I really don't like when animals are clearly trying to evolve into humans but this is totally fine this guy can live in my house no problem

they're making a new energy drink specifically for gambling, it tastes like kiwi which I guess is the luckiest fruit

Starfleet Academy rules because all the characters talk and behave like they're in a teen drama but it makes sense because they actually are teenagers instead of a 75 year old Beverly Crusher

Frasier episode where the big crazy lie he tells a lady so she'll have sex with him goes off without a hitch and now he's like 8 months into a relationship with a lady who thinks his dad is a ghost only the two of them can see or something

a young pube, torn follicle and all from the only home he's ever known, is thrust into a bewildering stream of semen marching to a mysterious destination. can he convince his new comrades he, too, is a sperm? will he make it to the Nest? and, once there, will he dare to become....the HAIR CHILD

French guy eating an orange with a fork and knife

The year is 2185 and the human soul has been quantified and can be recorded/backed up and put into new bodies and the new trend among rich people is just killing themselves when they need to go to the bathroom and letting a new body print instead of using the toilet

I found out that you can reuse a decades old calendar if its year’s dates line up with the current year’s, so this year I got a lovely 1998 Xena: Warrior Princess calendar. The way they added show events into it is cracking me up.

personally funny to me that Vance being included is how you can tell it was his idea specifically

Can’t believe he said this, seems somewhat disrespectful

Needs to be stressed that although Scott Adams died, Dilbert is still very much alive and he’s out there somewhere right now, scared

RIP to Scott Adams. You taught me it was okay to be weird, specifically weird in terms of hypnotizing people through email to have huge orgasms

we are 6 months to a year out from the first person who commits suicide specifically because of people betting on when they will commit suicide

thinking about how this portrait of John McCain for a magazine that he was mad about because it made him look insanely evil is slightly less evil looking than most of the photography currently being used by the white house

I want to have a phone case that lets me take power from other peoples phones near me. maybe their life force too?

If you never had a bowel movement I'd really recommend it. Great way of getting all that stuff outta there

the way this ad feels like a dr roberta bobby tweet

demand is higher than ever

Huge unforced error that dudes spent the early 2010s screaming Barack Obama was a socialist so that a generation of kids could hear okay so whatever a socialist is it's like the number one thing my horrible uncle hates, I should learn more about that

but orb foolish

getting married to someone and taking their name but then getting divorced and keeping it and then marrying someone else and giving them the name too. this is the Ultimate Move

to call him a pathetic worm is to gravely and cruelly insult actual worms

In 2026 we're all calling cum "spunk." Not because we want to there was an executive order

An episode of Scrubs where someone is able to see into JD's mind and they tell everyone how he imagines them and they all want to kill JD

I'm rewatching Scrubs and I think it is genuinely so romantic that Bill Lawrence has spent over 20 years using the medium of television to talk about how hot and frightening he thinks his wife is.