(in the same tone as a horned up me-yow) skree-yonk

they should have human shaped balloons full of fake blood moving around on RC cars crossing the street so every once in a while the cars that clearly want to hit u so bad they can taste it have a way to live their dream

went to a wedding where this was, I cannot emphasize enough, the only framed art at the venue

does anyone have $125 plus however much a mannequin costs. this might be my only chance to have a father

I think if I could figure out how to communicate with crabs I think we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I got people I need pinched and they need honey baked ham, or at least they will once I explain it to them

I want to be roommates with Daniel Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe should invite me to join his family

it rules how the ultra-wealthy are totally unable to do the math on how being the direct cause of massive human misery is why everybody hates them. they're like wow everything is so polarized these days, and if it doesn't stop at once I'm going to cool my data center with the blood of hick children

reverse Merrily We Go Along about a promising corporate shill whose life is derailed by making friends and discovering truth and beauty

(mixing up discourses) Lindy West's husband shouldn't have shrunk her

It rules toward the end of DS9 when Gul Dukat teams up with the devil and he's like hmm I think the best way for me to serve the devil is to do some Rachel Dolezal stuff and seduce the pope

T-Mobile trying to prompt me to install sports betting on my phone feels strange and evil? I don't have a joke this is just insanely fucked up to me

sources at Cinema Con confirming for me that Robert Downey Jr. is using his welsh accent from Dolittle as Doctor Doom

God I love a badly photoshopped family photo in a TV show

In case you are wondering what the Mandate of Heaven feels like my edible hit as soon as I pressed play on The Miniature Wife

everyone always forgets Pete Hegseth got his start as the guy running the Steak-Ums twitter account

sometimes my partner drives me by this tombstone store that looks like a car dealership but for tombstones, I love it so much

it's not the whole story but I think an under-mentioned part of Dave Chapelle turning into the thing he is now is the period where he was doing 7 hour shows. you cant tell a stand-up its not only ok but encouraged for them to spend 7 hours riffing without killing a very important part of their brain

I don't understand how people get caricatures of themselves drawn and then handle that psychologically. If someone did that to me I'd have to kill the person who did it and myself, I wouldn't even think about it, it would be one fluid motion

My health insurance loves to text me There's an Important Message About Your Medication In Your Inbox and then the message is "have you heard about medicine? If you are feeling sick you can swallow some and then you all better"

went to my old neighborhood and went through the rite of passage of seeing a Starbucks and booing it

non alcoholic beer with electrolytes in it. reverse beer

huh. they beheaded the stranger things kids

its so funny that Reece is the only one of the Malcolm in the Middle boys who didn't get any work done so he looks insanely old by comparison

St. Vincent orchestra album now has me firmly believing every artist and band should have an album with an orchestra. Find Steve Harwell in hell it's time to find out what 10 dudes with different kinds of clarinet can add to All Star

one of the good things about seeing every episode of Frasier 10 times is you know which ones Frasier lies too much in so you can switch to different channel. Sometimes you don't wanna see that much lying

they finally made a chicken that lays eggs full of the flavoring for blue raspberry jolly ranchers, you just gotta make sure you do not ever ever under any circumstances let those fuckin things hatch

they finally found a way to read the minds of mountains

There shoulda been a movie where James Cromwell is Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle's grandpa and they switch bodies. On the poster Dewey would be holding a cane and Cromwell would be on a skateboard and families at every Blockbuster in America would have been looking at each other like yes, this

How To Get Ahead In Business Without Even Summoning The Erotic Problem Ghost Beetlejuice

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Discovering A Copy of the Handbook For The Recently Deceased, And Inadvertently Summoning The Disgusting Beast Spirit Beetlejuice

12 Rules For Beetlejuice That Are Just The One Rule In Increasingly Larger Fonts

Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Dad With Only One Thing On His Mind And That Is Summoning The Pervert Ghost Beetlejuice

I'm Okay, You're Okay 2: You Are Beetlejuice And So Am I

I'm Okay, Youre Okay (You Are Beetlejuice)

writing books like professor sir jordan peterson eg Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Beetlejuice Seems To Hate And Fear Saturn Yet Is Oddly At Home There

im going to become a tenured professor and teach one class called Beetlejuice

immediately remembered my favorite unremarked on background gag of the sushi restaurant in Arlen having a framed headshot of Dale

team-up movie where Aubrey Plaza as Wow Platinum, Gladiator 2 Denzel, and Tom Hanks as Colonel Tom Parker do a sort of evil To Wong Foo, just totally ruin a small town

it's cool we got new pictures of the moon, it's a very good planet to look at, but I don't like that part of it is all burnt looking. lets clean up the moon, or paint it

Elizabeth Banks never shows up in sitcoms to have a baby with the male lead and then disappear forever anymore

[Wayne Coyne voice] Are you circumcised??

something uniquely disgusting about responding to the president saying he's going to commit horrific, world altering war crimes by going You Guys Better Do Something About This Or There's Egg On Your Face Come Mid-Terms. What do you think the world is. What do you think a human life is you fuck

Happy 17776 Immortality Day! www.sbnation.com/a/17776-foot...

ok it's a long walk to this joke making sense or being funny at all, some of which you do have to cut through thick jungle vines to get to, but a guy who mishears the Married With Children theme and thinks he's saying love and marriage go together like an exotic dish of horse meat and scarabs

“I’d be happy to discuss this further” is an extremely loose interpretation of the word happy

spending this Easter thinking about the best Christ figure in fiction, Poppy Pipopapo

In the last episode of Strange New Worlds they should meet a still in high school Chekov played by Walter Koenig in a little lord Fauntleroy wig and sailor suit, rouged cheeks, big lollipop, etc

the photo choice here is really getting me coz he's bemused in a way that suggests they're trying to explain what happened to him but he conk his noggin so badly hes like "some clumsy oaf fell through a window? Well, I hope the poor man is alright! Couldn't be me, Jonathan...I want to say Maple?"