ENJOY HELL IDIOT, HUMAN-RAT ALLIANCE FOREVER

pudding is of the Fallen World. It has NO PLACE at Sandals

when I was a little kid I asked my mom about my college fund because families on TV always talked about having those and she just laughed and laughed and laughed, that's when I got my first inkling of how life was going to be

there are years where nothing happens and days where years happen, but some of those days are the years where nothing happens so it's not a big deal

people are always cracking me open with a wooden hammer to slurp the tender meat and juices out of my torso and legs, so yeah I get crab culture

crazy Jimmy Kimmel gets in all this trouble but literally not a peep about how Jimmy Fallon ate a guy on his show last week. He was alive for most of it. Questlove just let it happen

a jumpsuit that is just one really huge salonpas patch

RIP to Robert Redford, the latest celebrity beheaded by the yakuza

algorithm said whats up broke boy, you gonna click this or you need a listicle about which kinda dumpsters got the loosest lids?

An art film where what everyones supposed to represent is written on them like a political cartoon

Let's all keep in mind tonight that anyone who wins an Emmy is good, and anyone who doesn't win an Emmy is bad. They should be driven out of our society

getting Lin Manuel Miranda to play the role of Alexander Handholding in my series of fun (AND informative) PSAs about how you can hold hands with anybody else who has a hand and affection in their hearts! If all goes well I'll deactivate the devices I put in his family

pain is just weakness permanently infiltrating the body

congrats to Only Murders in the Building on five years of me not being sure what that title is supposed to be a play on

A suburban dad screaming at his son for disrespecting the Slomin's Shield, which has protected him since birth

waking up from a charley horse is awesome because you don't know what it is right away so for a second you think you're just dying in some kind of crazy horrible way starting with your legs. then it's time for breakfast!!

I don't ask for a lot. Just an indestructible body and a special face tattoo that whenever people see it they have to give me whatever I want

As Oscar season approaches its important we set some boundaries about what counts as a funny scene in a movie before you guys hype up a scene like John Lithgow using a Nespresso in Conclave like its the funniest moment of the year then I watch it & it's a old man making coffee

When you invent a website that sends frogs to people's houses to help them, you are beloved in God's eyes. When you fail to invent a website that sends frogs to people's houses to help them, God forgets your name

"if you aren't inventing a website where frogs go to people's houses to help them, you will never prosper" - The Entrepreneur's Code

if any of you are inventing a website where frogs go to people's houses to help them a good slogan would be It's As Easy As 1-2-3-4-Frog. Feel free to pay me seven million dollars for this

Wow I'm going to pilot a bomber I wonder if they'll give me a cool nickname like Sky Poseidon or The Viper

Garth Brooks probably the last guy named Garth who gets to be famous during our lifetime

happy pictures of Rom day I hope everybody sees a picture of Rom

Unfortunately Scott Adams proves that ugly old stereotype true: guys who are obsessed with erotic hypnosis are always exaggerating about how ill they are for attention

"turning a huge heavy wheel underground while being whipped"

voices in my ear telling me not to buy an adult tricycle so that I don't have to learn how to ride a bike, these are what our friends in scientology call a Suppressive Person

Goonies 2 is about all of the 55 year old actors from the Goonies being abducted by Josh Gad and put into their outfits from the original and forced to perform for him. Sean Astin thinks he escapes by slashing his throat open but a few days later his taxidermied body is fitted with animatronics

do you need to have a situation to get a helper monkey or can you just want help from a monkey

huh, his head just fell clean off and landed in a toilet and now a dog's eating it out of the toilet

Imperial Prerogative Brand Dog Poison has gone woke by removing the imagery of the emperor sitting alone on his throne of one thousand dog skulls from their branding

crazy to think some day somebody is going to live in a house haunted by Ringo Starr's ghost

big discount on Nude Riker

Before coffee caught on the big thing to drink in the morning was a huge cup of horse blood. Personally I like coffee better

Running into a lot more french people lately. Stay safe out there

hacking into the Pluto TV mainframe to make the Frasier and Cheers channel just the clip of Kelsey Grammer falling off of a stage shaped like america over and over again

Juggalos make people uncomfortable because we all recognize if things get all Mad Max they'll immediately be one of the main gangs. like probably the closest thing we'll have to heroes

saw a turtle on the subway just hanging out. he was sitting next to a guy counting a really huge stack of one dollar bills but they didn't seem to know each other

honchi honchi, thats the new thing you have to say instead of i'm sorry. when someone dies you have to say honchi honchi for your loss.

im the world's most dangerous political cartoonist. they are GOING to execute me for this

opening a dine-in movie theater where the waiters pretend to be minor characters from the movie who are bringing you a $19 pulled pork sandwich as part of the plot

just walked past a guy going really slowly on an e-scooter, teetering from left to right a little, most scared facial expression I've ever seen on a human being. he's probably gonna die

obsessed with ice cube's wife in war of the worlds played by an ai text to speech going [I L O V E Y O U B A B Y]

episode 2 of Kamen Rider Gavv: wow! Eating potato chips has given me these awesome potato chip swords to use! Episode 47 of Kamen Rider Gavv: our plan to assassinate the president has ended in humiliation. the human race will be reduced to little more than livestock

ultimately it is very funny that And Just Like That was an insane, terrible show with an increasingly decent show about Charlotte trapped inside it, like the part of monstro elisasue in The Substance thats just Demi Moore's regular face

Michael Patrick King, writing the scene where Victor Garber ruins Miranda's toilet: I have no more hills left to climb, WE have no more to say...the show ends here.

i bet a really lucky situation you could be in is waiter who brought Keith David something he really liked eating. you would return to that memory when you think about what's good about your job

talking to your children about sex www.noncanon.com/comics/2025-...

The Gang Gets Vertically Integrated