going door to door letting the elderly honk my butt for charity. it's called Feels on Wheels

Trump's in the Epstein files over 600 times.

Hello, 911? Someone stole my prompt ... It's what you type into a chat thing to make a picture ... It was an oil painting of Santa with giant breasts ... No, not Mrs Claus, Santa ... Technically, the prompt is priceless, but I'll be selling the NFT for $900 ... No, they need to come sooner than that

i regret to inform his fans and parasocial lovers that mister fitz has passed away. itt we will revisit his greatest hits and weirdest anecdotes

help im getting bullied :( on bluesky :( :(

this is an official statement saying it's totally okay with me if you unsubscribe and give your money to anti-ice and pro-trans orgs. we are still friends and you are still going to heaven. megan te absolvo

i have a pointless patreon, it's cool if people can afford to encourage my posts but i won't pay wall anything. it's the most socialist patreon. anyway because of all the misery there's never been a better time to unsubscribe from me and give your cash to good causes www.patreon.com/jon_snow_420

more unrealistic beauty standards smdh

dutch angle is called that because they tie the camera to a dang windmill

turns out #Coachella is a place, not a handbag. although a handbag is a place too. just a small one

Speak softly. Carry a big stick with a snake sleeping on it. Shush people when they ask about the snake. "Shh, he's sleeping," you say

Things are going great over at X, The Everything App

watching your favourite youtuber grow and evolve from guy who checks all toilets for keys in every game to unabashed Toilet Guy. guy loves a game with a toilet

That one uncle you know only attends christmas dinner to try to locate and equip nannas lost amulet of power

"it's cringe to yuck someone's yum" fuckin close your fuckin head

MY 4-YEAR OLD: *calmly, while coloring a picture of the Grinch* If baby grinches die, we can eat them. If they’re clean. That’s ok

Lord, I see what you've done for others. It’s real sick shit, frankly. You belong in jail.

it is terrifying and awful that this passed the House with any Dem support at all (and once again, the continued leadership support for Cuellar is unconscionable) call your senators and make absolutely sure this dies in the Senate, lives are on the line trans people deserve so much better

listening to a man instantly lose his will to live youtu.be/HofyvgN0Slk?...

seeing how mad i can make myself today

(leaving a yelp review after getting my ass kicked six or seven times during a single meal at the fancy restaurant) The bread was honestly fantastic

i keep getting caught gazing at people's newborn babies. relax pal i'm just hungry

“Oh you should be online to try to provide value to your political side” fuck that that’s nerd shit you should be online because you’re unwell and need to tell people about weird animals you saw

This is the skin of a filler, Bella

it's pronounced jiffany

read this instead of whatever this woman has to say, they're all the same anyway www.issendai.com/psychology/e...

what idiot called it grape jelly not pinot butter

They want us mad at the Grinch so we don't ask who would actually have the resources to steal Christmas

the one thing i miss from twitter is @-ing the police department and saying something like "im going to be fishing illegally today somewhere in the city. catch me if you can!" and then staying in my apartment all day

Police officer escorting me home at top speed with sirens on after initially witnessing me mowing down a pedestrian in a crosswalk when he learned I was only speeding so I didn't miss the CBS News town hall with Erika Kirk moderated by Bari Weiss

yeah I'm involved in unethical non monogamy. no no, nobody's cheating on anyone else; me and my polycucle just operate a whaling ship.

When funny shit's got you like ha ha ha that is a straight up laughter moment! #laughter

sign: our.actionstation.org.nz/petitions/re...

THE BEATING OFF JOKER: its too late batman! im beating off! BATMAN: no! stop this at once!!! THE BEATING OFF JOKER: [beating off] AH HA HA HA HA HA HA

i know you're probably sick as hell of me posting this and thank you to all who have contributed. i am still far from my goal and have to ask for help. the toll it takes on me to debase myself like this is crushing. thank you for reading

THEY DID THE MEME THEY DID THE FUCKIN MEME

some respectable middle class old ladies who thought the favourite would be a nice period film and no one would call anyone a cunt. they were incorrect

i think it's cool that in america, all you need to do to be rich and famous is to know someone who was murdered and also be jadis the white witch when she's getting ready to stab aslan on the big table

ME: I've never dated a cenobite before. I'm not sure, who pays? CENOBITE: Your panic is exquisite. ME: I wouldn't mind going dutch…? CENOBITE: I can taste your pain on the air. A shiver of electricity. I am going to hold your head down on the floor and open your skull from behind. ME: I'll just pay.

this is my medal for learning to eat with my hands. no, the wrong way.

Me: I have the kind of raw intelligence that makes everything in life a breeze. No big deal. Me when I see a headline that’s like, “Judge stays motion to overturn blocked ban”: Only one person could ever possibly understand what this means. I’ll give you a hint. His first name was Albert

people who think liberal arts degrees are useless getting excited over a participation in humanity certificate

colleen mccullough's masters of Rome novels are so good. i'm reading pages about tax reforms and i don't even get mad that i'm learning shit

if you can help at all it would make a massive difference i'm sorry for being like this

i don't believe talking buttons for pets work but i think the concept is very funny

Elsie often asks for COAT in the winter and seems to enjoy wearing them. She can take them off and has words to express her feelings. So I made her a new sweater for the autumn but failed to obtain consent to try it on her. Her review was not good.

i'm proof that you don't really need to know what the fuck is going on

rain or shine, my windshield wipers are always on full speed as a threat display

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son