when i let go of a hug i make a loud rubber chicken noise

this is so embarrassing in front of the other parallel universes

Tell me truly, I implore! Is there anything at this store From foreign lands Or within these shores That e’er again I might afford? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

when you realize that life is meaningless and you still have eight more to go

Forget a nap I need deep space cryosleep

I talk pretty tough for someone who named all the squirrels in the park after characters in Broadway musicals.

Big naturals, but I’m talking about the chambers of my heart

When the IT guy takes over my computer remotely

“Are the cops gone?” “Yeah.” “Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

*brings nothing to the table*

One of those monthly subscription boxes but for undetectable poisons

[yelling over club music] I said grief is a rain that falls on everything

you make me want to become a better sith lord

They still sell fruit flavoured cigarettes in Mexico so now I smell like both a banana and an ashtray and I am ready for you to love me.

A dark and gritty remake of Ocean’s Eleven where the heist only works because one guy is expendable and none of them know which one it is. Coming to theaters this summer: Baker’s Dozen

One day you’re young and the next thing you know, you’d rather have dinner at 4:30pm than risk waiting 15 minutes for a table.

Always leave them wanting amnesia.

“Where can I find the paper towels?” “Who’s asking?”

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

In case you can't think of anything to post, I don't think we've covered every instance of "can't leave my feet out bc monsters" yet. Maybe try that.

I know exactly when to keep my mouth shut. It doesn't mean I will, but I definitely know.

Getting really into cutting my nails "mental patient" short

Every morning

[Game of Would You Rather] Friend: Would you rather have someone watch you try to parallel park or— Me: The other option Friend: I was gonna say slowly bleed to death while— Me: THE OTHER OPTION

France raises a fascinating hypothetical point: what if the law still exists even if people might get mad at you

It was probably the machine that kept everything from turning to shit.

I see your finger guns and I raise you *jumps into karate stance* thumbchucks

I've been wearing contacts for 35 years and I've never had pink eye. -me flirting

wife: i hate date night me: [pops another date in mouth] why?

How can we have artificial intelligence when we don't have regular intelligence?

Order a vodka cranberry with dinner to let him know he might be getting lucky later but also it might be contagious.

Eating wasabi peas and crying at my desk

Johnny Depp is in a lot of cologne ads for someone who looks like they just hit the Febreze after a smoke break.

I fight hard but I flight harder.

Stages of marriage: 1. I’m going to be such a good wife 2. Oh no

me: HE’S STARTING TO STIR wife: shhhh me: OH MY GOD wife: be quiet me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE wife: i really hate watching cooking shows with you

when a dog that doesn’t like anyone likes me

Lefty loosey, righty tighty also refers to how my boobs hang.

Are we sure that Bluesky is working properly? I only see posts about cilantro

Oh sure, you don't think about swallowing worms when you eat fettuccine, that's cool. Put some Alfredo on that hashtag blessed personality

Honor needs to make a comeback.

stopping the world and melting together wasn’t quite what I had imagined

Dog wags tail: OMG I'M SO EXCITED AND I LOVE YOU AND I'M SO EXCITED Cat wags tail: Hm. Eyes or jugular

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question - how to get it into the dog's food.

If at first you don't succeed don't worry we all saw it coming

I’m pretty sure my wife takes me to IKEA every weekend in the hopes that I won’t find my way out.

I have never been more connected with people this is awful

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

You know you were really drunk last night when you wake up in bed next to your husband

Get in looser, we're going to spelling lessons.