An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but eat an orange also because scurvy is nothing to joke about.

Coffee and sex on Sunday because like Jesus said: ground and pound, or something like that.

I’m very classy. One of society’s elite, to be sure.

Suckling at the teat of ennui.

Woo me, you bitch

As two things we rely on for our immediate survival, it’s shocking how horrible humans treat air and water.

Gonna go scream in the woods for a bit, anyone wanna come with?

Netflix and snack under the full moon

final stage of acceptance that I will never spell sillouette correct on the first attempt

I love witches and vampires but only the sexy ones

pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream

Someone go check the shortbread. I’m drunk.

Trump’s biggest accomplishment is making George W Bush look good in comparison

Taxes are over-complicated and scary but at least if you screw up, you only go to jail

It’s always ok to not post a selfie

My friend got a colectomy and I’m proud to say I was kind enough to wait a whole 24 hours before I started calling him “semicolon”

If I got that golden ticket I'd take that glass elevator straight into the sun.

We should settle theological debate once and for all by having all the religions and denominations create their own soccer team and have a playoff to find out which is god's favorite.

Skip to the good parts.

Labubu is a decent name for a girl fart

my nephew calls any noodle-based dish that's in soup/broth "juicy noodles" and you know what he's right

I got filter straws for the apocalypse so who wants to come over and drink the creek water behind my house with me to see if they work

It's not even worth the esoteric anymore when anyone can just shed atoms of the arcane and wave an app for layperson's terms that says tome means book and it (book) means shit gets into you

I collect and display tongue depressors like souvenir travel spoons.

I'm the kind of calm under pressure that makes heart doctors and vulcanologists nervous

nurses always look so surprised when you yell “catch!” and throw your urine sample at them

Have you tried visiting Scotland about it?

I made you these sneakers using three types of fruit leather, please respond.

how come when i move to a new town in a video game the mayor personally welcomes me but when i move to a new town irl no one welcomes me AT ALL

Gone In 16 Candles

Sexcapades is my favorite Olympic sport.

Imagine a world where the "n" is silent, not the "g", in bologna.

The Girl With The QR code Tattoo

What’s wrong babe you’ve barely touched your repost button

The struggle was real, then I got this plastic one, so I don't have to water it.

Well, I didn’t win the Powerball. Back to selling pics of my feet.

Today was full of too many things and I’m tired and I wanna go to sleep and I can’t get comfortable and I’m cranky and it all fucking sucks.

My son and his papa are snuggled up on the couch watching Jaws. I would be moved by this heartfelt tableau if the volume was not at 72.

got a 14oz bottle of bay rum aftershave on the way and I’m prepared to have panties flying my direction during the foreseeable future

I cannot deal with the pressures of creating a starter pack. I'm still traumatised by feelings of guilt from having to choose my myspace top 8.

when cats follow each other on social media does that make them mewtuals

Your 50s, when mysterious pains just appear as if by voodoo doll pin.

Thunder and lightning very very frightening me

Like Shakespeare always said, “All the world is a stage, and despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.”

I come from a long line.

Sunday morning kitchen dance party, you in?

Keep firing the people who report those awful jobs numbers until the numbers come up.

I could go on a date tonight but I’ll probably just watch a movie with my cat and complain about not having a boyfriend.

a lower back tattoo of a postage stamp featuring lady and the tramp.

Thanks to adhd it took me 30 mins to wash the dishes. But I got 5 other tasks done at the same time.