Kids and cats have a lot in common: they don’t obey commands, their curiosity might kill them, and they love a good cardboard box.

How may degrees of separation between Kevin Bacon and John Hamm?

It’s rude for the weather to be nice when you’re consumed by dread

in the afternoons i think someone should come in and turn off the lights and tell us we have to rest our heads on our desks for a bit

It’s the people on this website with no sense of humour who choose to reply to jokes that I’m most grateful for.

I saw a thing about being an innovator, and I was remembering when I used the knife sharpener stick to knock something up high out of the cabinet.

I told my kid that an interview for a job in the legal profession was called a 'lawdition' and now I have another meeting with his teacher

I’m so Gen-X I still avoid the cracks in the sidewalk to protect my mother.

The smallest type of animal is a minimal

The angriest word in the English language is "representative" spoken to an automated phone menu.

Yogurt is one of my top 10, maybe even top 5 favorite gurts.

cheese fountain > chocolate fountain comments closed

My husband left the kayak strapped to the car from when he had taken it out a couple days ago, and I had to drive to the grocery store feeling like I was impersonating someone who shops at REI.

I don't mind going out in public. I just hate when other people go out in public when I do

Obsessed with the pharma commercial trope of 'taking this medication will guarantee you can happily own a very boutique retail business'.

If you get a punny tattoo, the joke’s on you

I don't want to brag but I'm pretty damn Mid at a whole bunch of stuff

KID: Daddy, do you know what an eclipse is? ME: No sun HIM: Ok, I'll ask someone else

Not to get all political on here but the word 'gush' is infinitely worse than 'moist'.

Why did they call them aeronautical engineers and not flyentists?

I'm sorry, I moonwalk when I'm nervous, Your Honor

Fool Michael Jackson once Shamone you

"This seafood restaurant is now a crime scene. Nobody move a mussel."

My toddler learned about the concept of a grocery list and now says “but it’s on the list” for everything she wants at the store

Impetigo would be a great name for a font.

Enjoy your kids now because before you know it they’ll be grown and you’ll be happy and free

So sick of the “happy to jump on a call” bullshit. We all know the reality is “I’ll get on a call if you gotta be a dick about it but I’m praying this email will suffice.”

MY AUNT: You look just like your dad. ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Am I accident prone? You bet. I'm also accident standing up.

[abruptly stops beatboxing] I do.

ME: And another thing, It should be called an automobile when it's in the showroom and a boughtomobile when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Please go home

GOD: *creates doctors ANGEL: So these guys will have the power to save lives. They'll start to think they're better than you soon. GOD: *creates apples

it is actually the highest honor when a california toddler says “mommy, you are my dude”

Realizing there’s been a mix-up as I stare down at the normal-size scissors for the ribbon cutting ceremony while another scream echoes from the barbershop

me: may i have one vitamin vitamin bottle: how about nine me: just one please vitamin bottle: eleven it is!

Baby, I want to take you home and correct your grammar

The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems." I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

The supermarket should be a judgment free zone to talk to yourself

Check out my gourmet sausage e-commerce website. I’ll send you a link.

ME: *posing for a picture* X-RAY TECHNICIAN: sir, you don’t have to smile for these.

I’m not allowed back at the Salvation Army since they found out I was in fact a spy for the Damnation Navy

Nobody steal this idea: a bakery that makes edibles, called Puff Puff Pastry

Me: Gangs of crabs should be called crewstaceans. Doctor: Lol. Ok you've got crewstaceans.

[being beaten with a sock full of quarters] Omg you're killing me with coinedness.

In France they're called cargot shorts.

A dad sneeze so powerful, they have to adjust the 10 day weather outlook.

I readily admit that I've dillied. But I unequivocally deny that I have ever dallied.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

the few, the proud, the Maureens