So some asshole made ignorant, arrogant comments about bread in Mexico, and the result is my TikTok FYP is full of delicious panadería content.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

This door is labeled in case you find yourself running from a bad guy in an action movie.

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

Bought tickets to see a comedy show with a friend I haven’t hung out with in forever. Things to look forward to in 2026.

4yo to me: Have you apologized? Me: For what? 4yo: For stinking up the whole world.

*going over Epstein files* unbelievable, this guy was obsessed with black rectangles

Shout out to my USPS mail carrier who bypassed the package deposit box on my front porch and went the extra mile to walk all the way around my house to deliver my Xmas present in a puddle on top of dogshit.

(me when i have nothing to do) i should think of something to do (me when i have something to do) well this fucking sucks. what the fuck.

When my compost pail is full of nothing but coffee grounds I know I need to start eating healthier.

I guess I was conditioned by the phrase “a face for radio”, because I am always surprised to find out that NPR personalities are quite attractive.

Couples who sit next to each other instead of across from each other at restaurants: Why?

Anyone else find the shape of the Roku remotes strangely difficult to hold? I drop them when trying to pick them up all the time.

Stop being so funny, I can’t repost everything you post because people will think I have a thing for you.

Protecting my 45 mins of weekday morning quiet alone coffee time at all costs

🙏🏼plants: Miracle-gro 🙏🏼constipation: Miracle-go 🙏🏼condoms: Miracle-no 🙏🏼Homer: Miracle-d’oh 🙏🏼pretty woman: Miracle-ho 🙏🏼joey: Miracle-whoa 🙏🏼little women: Miracle-jo 🙏🏼pipes: Miracle-flow 🙏🏼vadis: Miracle-quo *annnnnnnd, send🙏🏼

Fanny Sneezum England and Wales, Census, 1891

Anyone else ever have the urge to put on a hoodie you haven’t owned for over a decade?

Carol Kane in “Scrooged”

Sometimes my kids will present me with something so profound, that I am forced to reflect on my own life choices, like why did I have kids

Bucked Up LA Bowl, hosted by Gronk!

i often send myself texts so i won’t forget something, then my phone dings & i look to see who texted me because i’m an idiot

I’ve applied the defibrillator paddles please respond

Whoever is in charge of designing the packaging for children’s toys has a lot to answer for

Started the coffee maker, went to the other room to scroll on my phone. A sinking suspicion came over me that I hadn’t actually pressed the start button. Turns out I hadn’t even filled it with water.

Who else grew up with a view of the animal world that was shaped by Brian Jacques’ division of the animals into good and evil?

The motive in this “Law and Order” episode is pretty far fetched.

Don't go bacon my heart. I couldn't if I fried.

Sorry I didn't respond to your message I opened it 5 seconds after you sent it and forgot to reply while trying to wait an appropriate amount of time to reply

if you’re fighting, always try to be the bigger person. it’s much easier to beat up small people

with the olympics coming up i can’t help but wonder which athlete will destroy a piece of equipment with his huge hog this time

Re-reading Lord of the Rings at the moment, and I'd forgotten how relentlessly Gandalf drags Hobbits. "Of course, The Enemy has overlooked one thing: dipshits such as yourself, Frodo. Buffoons with fat feet and shithole burrows. Yes, perhaps your painful loser energy may surprise Sauron yet!"

Posting when no-one’s around so it’s less embarrassing.

communist takeover of iowa and we change the name to weowa

Therapist: I think we’re having a break-through. Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah

My wife hired a clown for our daughter’s birthday. He arrived in regular clothes and no makeup. He then explained to our daughter that he was going to put on makeup, and what he would do in the show. Honestly, a great strategy.

i like it when all of you post good because then i can just repost your good posts and i don't have to think

at the bank withdrawing money off the secret menu

MAHA be like, "yeah? well if this lime juice is all natural, why does it burn when i put it in my eyes??"

Watched “The Naked Gun” (Liam Neeson, Pamela Anderson) on the plane. Very enjoyable plane movie.

How the Grinch met your Mother

Them: Wanna feel old? Me: No.

When you bury me can you leave one leg out of the casket so I don't get hot?

@actualnames.bsky.social Arse Maul www.findagrave.com/memorial/271...

Remember folks, during winter every ten degree temperature drop lowers your tire’s PSI by 1 so it’s very important to go to the gas station and notice that the air thing doesn’t work and then do that five more times at five different gas stations

[without an iota of insight into the intricacies or complexities of a process] "This is some bullshit!"

they can all be bangers if you people would just lower your standards

I reserve the right to be interested in anything that interests me