Fleas the size of rats sucked on rats the size of cats And ten thousand peoploids split into small tribes Coveting the highest of the sterile skyscrapers Like packs of dogs assaulting the glass fronts of Love-Me Avenue... Any day now The Year of the Diamond Dogs - David Bowie

always be yourself, fucko.

many are saying this

Following @doomkick.com is normal. Everybody who enjoys things follows @doomkick.com. If you are someone who does not enjoy things, please wait and an agent will arrive shortly.

JFK or Newark would literally kill this person

I have discovered that there is a teensy tiny car called the Bambi Trident that looks like a Jetson's car powered by a scooter engine and I have a MIGHTY NEED.

9pm on Sunday night is the saddest time in the world.

This is who runs this account

Here's my political take for the day: *walks into the ocean*

crazy people on here keep me sane

I got food poisoning from eating expired feelings.

Mom: don’t use those towels, those are for guests Me: what are we? Mom: guests who aren’t allowed to use those towels

somebody just asked me if i thought there was any change, i almost spat my swill out and said we’re gonna need a bigger trough

my mattress didn’t wake me up this morning because it forgot, its memory is dense under pressure

this is who runs this account

Asking the people who cheer when we get murdered to “be civil” is a giant waste of time

Stop asking for answers and start punching nazis

validation is an inside job

Top, bottom or switch? (this is about hugging)

Due to the fascist take over I will no longer be participating in anything other than day drinking & binge eating

When I said I was normal, I may have exaggerated.

The next sundress I buy will be guacamole colored.

All of my red flags are cancelled out by the fact that I'm funny AF.

Sorry I was thinking of a new Wordle starting word while you were talking.

Hell in a Handbasket isn’t looking half bad these days

during these polarizing times i think it’s important to remember not to be a whiny little bitch

People underestimate how serious it is when a comedian gets writer's block. It's no joke.

PSA: Please spay or neuter your racists.

A couple of the M&M's I ate off of my shirt were buttons.

Why is it ok for someone to ask me why I’m single but rude for me to say omg, that’s crazy you found someone to marry you.

It’s always weird looking at your old wedding photos.

listen, y’all aren’t taking me seriously enough time is ticking and i’ve had zero offers

Please, your honour, you need to follow Doomkick. He is such a funny and fun guy lol 1K ….

taking a short snooze, don't let any more fascism happen while I'm gone

I’m at the age where I think: That shouldn’t go in the dryer, and it’s annoying.

HUMANS: careful!!! we might use a nuke 👉👈 STRATOVOLCANO: i’m gonna do the funniest thing

anybody look at the doomsday clock recently?

Same goes for you, Tuesday

Gonna have the wife put on her amish outfit and churn butter for me tonight.

A useful skill for smart people to master is pretending to be a dumbass in the presence of an actual dumbass pretending to be smart.

nuclear holocaust wasn’t exactly the brat girl summer i was hoping for

It was the fuck this of times; it was the fuck that of times.

Life might be an illusion. Let’s find out.

me: may I call you Dick? him: but my name is Tom me: I know, dick

I’ll always cherish the version of you that I totally made up in my head