Currently listening to Blondie. So say I'm not prepared for the Rapture.

i met a girl named joyce and immediately thought, that's how a snake would say joy

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

Wanting attention but not wanting to bother anyone... that's normal right? No? Just me?

The cat is talking a lot this morning. I think she's worried that I didn't get that extended warranty

This rapture is as disappointing as my sex life.

No joke, a whole apple fritter just dropped out of my beard,

Being an airline pilot is like being both a cool bus driver and a lame astronaut.

"I'm good" You're Good? Really? We're all struggling, doing the best we can against the weight of crushing challenges. We're definitely not good. No one wants to hear that, but we know that it's implied.

a younger version of me saw me packing grapes instead of chocolate for a work snack and punched me in the tit

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

Autumn the only day the planet isn't leaning. It's standing up straight to show off its new fall foliage, right before it slouches back into six months of seasonal affective disorder.

I didn't lose my mind, it's free derange.

I can’t wait for tomorrow (rapture)

Reverse cowgirl, so I can unfuck myself

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

just heard someone call stephen miller peewee german

Figures we’d have a rapture on Taco Tuesday

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

the answer to autism is go fuck yourselves, fascists

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

Yelling "Hey wait for me!" In public. To no one. Just to feel included.

I see Paris I see France I have got the Rapture right here for you (it's in my pants)

Don’t talk to me, talk to my butthole.

As terrible as things may be, I am still full of love.

I’m disappointed in the lack of butthole skeets this weekend.

I judge people by the quality of their butthole skeets.

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

Them: Omg I haven’t seen you in what, two years Me: Yeah I’ve been washing the price tags off the bowls I got at Home Sense

When I find a good parking spot, I say, "Oooo a Costanza," and my kids are like, is dad having a stroke?

Hot singles in your area are looking for air conditioning.

If you’re a nazi you have to tell me It’s the law now

I know it’s the season of the witch because I’m hunting for the perfect broom handle to ride.

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

According to my research you can fuck off

The haunted doll I got at a flea market has killed again, but it's so darn cute I just can't stay mad at it.

caddy is short for cat daddy

These nonstop LEGO ads are really starting to break me down… brick by brick.

You know that Kirk memorial today is going to be a shitshow, right?… trump is going to make it a grievance session

A porno about a water delivery guy entitled "Just the Tap."

trying to get in shape before my physical so my doctor doesn't find out how i live

Rapture? In this economy?

It was the stupidest of times, it was the even stupider than stupidest of times

i put my pants on like everybody else, by putting my legs in holes till i run out of options

scan the QR code to see my bush

*cracks knuckles* Time to skeet like no one is reading them.

I only use 100% whole wheat bread to make grilled cheese sandwiches because healthy.

Coworker: Aren’t the fumes in that room bothering you? Me: Buddy, I got more brain damage than brains at this point. I’m fine.

If only the Epstein files weren't trying to come out on Jan 6th.

Is bsky dying again because I haven’t posted ass in a while??