*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

“We will starve people if you refuse to let us take away their healthcare!!!” -GOP negotiations

You can follow me but I’m not sure I’m going anywhere.

that's me on the corner that's me on the sidewalk trying to catch a pigeon

this End of the World needs a jump to recipe button

Our boy cat has a thing for getting on the bathroom scale, making it beep, then getting off it. I'd say he's watching his weight, but that's clearly not the case.

Under socialism there will be a tray: take an hour, leave an hour.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts a brake line

If I'm being honest, I could've used 3 extra hours

Is this a squork or a foquid

My gf said a little of her face cream goes a long way but I'm wonderin' how far would a lot go? There's only one way to find out.

Women in STEM (reset my oven clock)

Ed draped himself in cold cuts and strutted about, mimicking the vainglorious behavior of the living. The other skeletons rattled with laughter.

Stung by the tepid response to my Toaster Gravy™ idea on Shark Tank.

[zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen]

Me: [serving looks] The rest of the dinner table: please, we're starving

How do we feel about double mustache. The hot new style? The peak of manhood?

listen i'll like and repost your quote post of my quote post even though you didn't like my quote post but know that i am judging you for it

I'm here to spill my guts and get external validation from strangers on the internet, you?

If a dad joke is told out loud, and no one is around to hear it, is it still cringe?

It me

A wise man once said "you little stupid ass bitch I aint fuckin with you"

Rise and shine, you beautiful piece of shit.

Another day breaks, let’s see if I can put it back together.

fingers crossed 🤞🏼

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

Chip off the old bloc

We need a special emoji for us old folk that means "yes, I got that reference". It appears on your device at age 50.

I’m at my most badass when I pick up stuffed animals in stores that have fallen on the ground and put them back with their friends.

I think the void just winked at me or got something in their eye

Silently screaming into the void so I don’t wake the dead.

INVENTOR OF THE CEILING FAN: fuck giraffes

Opening a restaurant named ‘Peace and Quiet’ where kids meals cost $80

When I die I want my funeral to be held before noon, that way everyone can say good mourning to each other.

wow, okay, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cereal. didn’t realize he was a really scary vampire

my lawyer is using the saved post feature so he can build a case for my insanity plea

thanks for the #protip, subway

People who have difficult to interpret vanity plates on their car should have to put a bumper sticker next to the license plate saying what it means

a kid (maybe 11 or 12) said “excuse me” before walking past me and my friend and we turned to each other and said, delighted, “what a nice boy” I am officially 80 years old.

Instead of “weird flex but ok” say “peculiar boast but alas” 🧐

Well well well if it isn't the guy whose lawn I woke up on

a little chamber that catches your toenail clippings like a pencil sharpener

God damn feed really is Chaos Chaos Chaos Kitty Chaos

I caught myself earlier with a fork dangerously close to my eye. Later, I found my eyeliner in the silverware drawer.

Him: I want to see what you can do with those hands Me: oh you’ll love this *plays paper rock scissors*

“Girl, he is not worth the bangs on your face” - me, as a therapist