You may remember Kristene Chapa from my #Dateline episode ‘The Overlook.” She barely survived an attempted murder that killed her girlfriend. This year, Kristene’s family lost their home in a fire. www.gofundme.com/f/help-the-c...

Ultimately, we're all looking for the same thing: a horse who solves crimes

people don’t have paintings with eye holes through which they might watch their unassuming guests anymore

ginger ale is the champagne of soda

ME: do you know the french word for goodbye WIFE: adieu ME: what is it then

Opening my Shakespeare themed restaurant tonight - The Taming of the Stew.

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

I said I was into resting. Not interesting

Sometimes after you've been asleep for two days you realize it's been four days, not two.

You should be able to sue people for wasting your time

in every home with more than one cat, there is one who wants nothing but to be left in peace, and one who is dedicated to making sure that never happens

Me, just messing about on the fringes of Bluesky

This unknown number docu needs WAY more anger than I am seeing 😡 #unknownnumber

My Left Peg #PirateTalkaMovieorShow

Not book smart, not street smart, but a secret third kind of smart (not)

Ok but why is the AARP TikTok account so lit??

I wanted to get a video of this ghost crab but every time I got close to their hole they scuttled back in, so I tried getting clever with it. I made a little sandcastle and shoved my phone into it, hit record, and walked away. Crab was VERY suspicious of this addition to their environment.

did i know the donut would make my tummy hort? yes did i eat one anyway? also yes

Some friends of mine just happened upon this awesome mason bee house in Switzerland 🐝

the one trick mods don’t want you to know

There should be a corner at Home Depot where a guy with a table saw will slice you off custom lengths of hot dog from an infinite hot dog coming out of the wall

one of the top fall tips is to please send me eleven hundred dollars

#Dateline Live in Nashville, 9/28. (We’ll be a little more organized than this)

icarus flew too close to the sun but not me. i would have kept going, right into the sun

a contest for who can paint a room the fastest called a roller derby somebody write that down

Happening tomorrow!! 🩷💜💙

🥹

Kind of an insanely gorgeous sunset tonight.

I should be able to get a ride on a fire truck if they’re already going that way

one of the important skills you have to master as you get older is lying about the origins of your injuries. yeah, I stepped out of the tub wrong, but if anyone asks I hurt my ankle roundhouse kicking an assassin sent by a shadowy figure from my past known only as "the blade"

[inventing sugar] what if sand was delicious

Thinking about how Ozzy bit a bat and still came out less problematic than Hulk Hogan.

I fear this is the Cruel Summer Bananarama presciently warned us about

You realize a robot asks you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you are not a robot.

Get you a girl that collects (checks notes)...skulls and dinosaur poop.

the birders had to share one pair of binoculars so unfortunately not everyone got a tern

Picking flowers is not a gesture of love, it’s proof you’d kill for her.

Beekeeping demo at the fair today!

Hi, so AI killed my career(s) and I'm barely (sometimes not) making rent. People have been telling me to start a gofundme but I feel weird about that. But I thought maybe if I was contributing something? SOO I started making shitposting shirts. Can you share this and maybe think about grabbing some?

they said i could be anything when i grew up. so i became tired.

Post a random photo otherwise everything goes wrong in June.

"AI is coming for your job" you think ai is gonna feed my cat and call him a handsome widdle prince one hundred times a day? be for real

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

Can you help out my friend with her classroom? Teachers shouldn't have to buy school supplies, but here we are. Help if you can.

[commencement speech] When I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world. I also see some probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees. Some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get multiple DUI's, and- what? No I don't go to this school

it’s so sad. they make this cat work so hard

The angriest word in the English language is "representative" spoken to an automated phone menu.

the dog breed you are least likely to hear on a zoom call is a malamuted