the bar was devoted to a bearded dragon’s birthday last night

At first I thought nothing of the Whoville letterhead on the notes. But as hard as I tried to cut it down, the bamboo in the yard grew back harder -- as hard and tall and green as the Grinch's member.

international space station passing over Brooklyn just now

second verse on this is one of the funniest things i've ever heard

Someone forgot the federal statistical system on the porch and it got rained on. it's soaked through

Guy with The Departed poster on his wall: I dunno. I'm still pretty sure Trump was doing all that pedophile stuff undercover. Must've been so stressful. He's like Leo in The Departed

lol at the security detail with their heads self consciously on a swivel at Dekalb and Stuyvesant. Don't let him get hit by the B38

TWITTER USER: I can’t even with the hellsite today BLUESKY USER: I can’t even with the hellsite today MOLASSES MAN: Watch out, I’m sticky!

I used to get excited when I knew the answer to a Jeopardy clue that stumped all three contestants. then a former champion told me that when they don’t buzz in it’s not that they don’t know, it’s that they’re using the urinals built into the podiums

Visiting dignitaries clipping through the floor, getting launched pinwheeling into the skybox

a “Check It Out!” Mayor To Doctor conversation with Eric and Steve would genuinely heal the world

DATE: Wait, are you recording me right now? TECH GUY: [Shoulder mounted Odradek flashing orange and spinning rapidly] uhhh yeah wearable tech is the future babe haha

My haters will become my gators when I wade into the bayou of success

I’m proud of all my tattoos. I got this one on shore leave in Japan — バカなお尻 と小さなペニス It means “through discipline, wisdom is found.”

Prompt parties… now these you don’t want to be fashionably late for! 😅🏇

Jon Hamm is doing ads? That can’t be right

Bond, you’ve just caused a diplomatic crisis with Appalachia Island. Now they’re about to invade their neighbors in California and Vermont. I haven’t seen a muckup like this since I was station chief in the Middle East African nation of Carumbastan

No more robes. Justices all wearing barrels with suspenders

i found a nice little pocket knife in the woods a while back and the Knife Guys episode of Guys made me curious what they're saying about it @murderxbryan.bsky.social

I think it is nice that when a combat medic revives you in Battlefield 6 they put a big prompt in the center of the screen telling you to press LB to say “THANK YOU”

Chris Shiherlis in Heat 2

Big Mike don't miss

Felt compelled

Full disclosure I was briefly involved with the Christmas Adventurers but didn’t know what their whole deal was until recently. I thought we were just doing escape rooms and bar trivia together

Almost everyone I’m speaking with in North Gaza wants to leave and can’t because they are injured, sick or can’t afford it- those are the people Israel is calling terrorists now

man. Teyana Taylor in imax 70mm on a 75 foot tall screen

I'm so old, the last time I was in Riyadh fucking Dahham ibn Dawwas was my chieftain!

DON DRAPER: I grew up in a haunted house. I would put out bowls of spaghetti and tell visitors it was guts. Grapes, eyeballs. One of the older boys, who would lunge at people in a wolfman mask, looked after me. The only time I wasn’t scared was when I was eating Reese’s Pieces.

🚨 kitten at the bar

RIP Eric Adams. You were a really weird guy

not gonna take pics of ppl in public but I saw a crowd of people carrying spiderman like this

i didn't even notice Melania, I thought they were being shown a model of the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Do Other Stuff Good Too

black-crowned night heron having a staring contest with a turtle. the turtle won (moister eyes)

performatively reading Frog & Toad alone on a parked tandem bicycle

It’s crazy that the Jaws mayor’s anchor jacket isn’t available for purchase everywhere. You should be able to go into CVS or Ace Hardware and buy Mayor Vaughn’s anchor jacket in your size for $5

TRUMP [dying]: Avatar. Think about that. You leave your old body behind and become blue. You become blue and huge and beautiful. You ride dragon

TRUMP: We’re bringing back the Taco Bell chihuahua. We have its bones, we’re cloning, it will be saying “yo quiero Taco Bell” like it did in the 1950s and 1980s. “Yo quiero Taco Bell”… YO QUIERO… and we are bringing back the Quiznos monsters,

do it. do it. gun it chief

saw my Maine dudes

This is exactly--and I mean exactly--how Holocaust deniers have long discredited the Final Solution being a concerted effort & high-level order. "The Jews in the camps all died of typhoid outbreaks"

"Listen, we're not on a studio set. We're not on the backlot at Sony. We're in New York City, and it's going to feel like it." for @defector.com, i talked to the team behind @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social's campaign videos to learn their secrets (see: a lot of sincerity; and a dash of Tim & Eric)

it’s surprising how much of The Odyssey isn’t cyclopses and witches but just Odysseus back in Ithaca with a Groucho Marx mask on going “huh wow yknow Odysseus would’ve kept this place tidier. Odysseus would’ve wiped down these kitchen counters if he were here wow just saying”

Kojima never got the chance to scan Steve Irwin

when they close it all up, I do believe this will go down as the funniest video on the internet

When he was a child, Bruce Springsteen’s floor had a hole in it. A hole that went through the earth to China. And Bruce went there and became Chinese. And he’s going to make us Chinese too, with his album Nebraska

. @papapishu.bsky.social was asked if he had a bottle opener in his bag and he said “no but I do have a lock picking kit” and produced it