Merry Christmas from me, my French Husband, and a chihuahua participating in this holiday against her will

in the Grinch’s defense, if my neighbours gave their children this thing for Christmas I would also make it my personal mission to abolish the holiday

[approaching Americans in a dark alley wearing a trench coat] you kids want to try some, uh… political documentary footage?

Bari Weiss: finally, I have the ultimate power to keep this critical 60 minutes segment from ever seeing the light of day Canada:

no ChatGPT for me, I will consult the Dark Oracle and find the answers I seek pinned to my door by a jeweled dagger within the fortnight

oh the weather outside is frightful the lack of snow is not delightful the temperature's way too high we're gonna die, gonna die, gonna die

the biggest twist in Better Call Saul is when you go on Wikipedia and find out that this guy is a Quebecois man with zero Latin heritage

POV: your husband is home and the dog you painstakingly nursed back to health as a sickly rescue no longer cares if you live or die

when your fridge is full of perishable food for the holidays and you’re watching the entire province of Nova Scotia lose power during a windstorm

I consider myself a pretty reasonable person but whoever invented the feature that opens Outlook when you click on an email address in your web browser needs to be sent to mow lawns on the Sun

scrolling through Tweets about last night’s presidential address

ghosts are not enough, some of you need to be visited by three swift taps from a shovel

"it's not fair, all the interesting history has already happened," I said to myself as a kid in the year 2005. Somewhere in the distance, a monkey's paw began twitching and flailing around wildly like it was doing the Jutsu hand signs from Naruto

old holiday movies all revolve around the plot of “busy, financially successful dad has forgotten the true meaning of Christmas”. A movie set in 2025 would be about Santa helping Dad deliver DoorDash orders early so he can see his kids on Christmas before his next shift starts.

do you think dogs have an understanding of the passage of time and the cyclical nature of seasons or does my dog just wake up every morning of her life and think “I wonder if today’s the day that lunatic drags a whole fir tree in here again”

when you first get a chihuahua you tell yourself “I’m going to treat this creature like a real dog, I’m not going to raise a purse dog” and then the chihuahua spends its entire life demanding to go into every purse and backpack you own

the fitness tracker I bought to improve my sleep habits watching me ignore three bedtime reminders and stay up until 4:17am for absolutely no reason

Progressive Conservative joins Progressive Conservative party

reactivating my FanFiction dot net account so a US official will have to base my admission decisions on 120,000 words of softcore Naruto erotica

God: behold the horse, my finest creation. fast. strong. powerful. mankind shall ride them into battle for thousands of years. angel: wow, they must be nearly indestructible God: lol no if they lay down weird one time it's pretty much over

do you think in 300 years they'll eat 3D printed snacks with flavours like "electricity" and "dark thoughts" and tell each other "I bet this would instantly kill a sickly 21st century peasant"

men describing pregnancy: it's not a big deal, your body was naturally designed for it women describing pregnancy: yeah 7 of my toenails fell off, my liver and spleen switched places, my lung fell out of my butthole, and I began seeing an entity known only as "the shadow lady"

former Prime Minister Kim Campbell is about to find Orlando Bloom in her bed like

if you've ever looked at your email inbox and thought "man I wish this caused me even more anxiety", let me be the first to recommend the lucrative and glamorous life of Trying to Publish Short Fiction

Apple Music does not have to calculate a “listening age” because everyone who uses Apple Music is roughly 34 years old

Unbelievably thrilled to be nominated for this year’s Best Small Fictions by @inkinthirds.bsky.social!! Thank you for giving a home to my weird poetry about working at a defunct Canadian department store!

if I managed to produce a piece of writing that proved beyond any reasonable doubt that I had the brain of a steamed tilapia, I just don’t think I would be in a hurry to make that my Whole Thing

imagine working on Franklin the Turtle and suddenly getting called into an emergency meeting to discuss the US government’s fan art of your beloved Canadian cartoon turtle carrying out extrajudicial killings in Venezuela

I am once again taking every available opportunity to make fun of Tim Hortons in North America’s Trusted Source of News

my algorithm keeps serving me ads for wire-free “comfort bras” and I cannot overstate how much I want wires in there. I want the structural support beams they use in bridge construction. I want to see my tits at the bottom of my vision like I have them equipped in Skyrim.

Danielle Smith uses notwithstanding clause to declare herself premier of B.C.

~20 years from now we're all going to hear a teenager say "I was born in the wrong generation, I'm jealous of everyone who got to live through the 2020s" and I think we should promise each other that when that day comes, we'll try not to throw this person directly into the sun

when my ancestors ground their bones to dust toiling in farms and factories in the hopes that their descendants might someday claw their way up to bask in the light of literacy, I don't think they ever dreamed I would use that gift to read this particular combination of words

[with all the venom I can muster] I would NOT give up forever to touch you

I've seen people say that getting attached to ChatGPT is like "believing the stripper really loves you", but that's not true. It's more like believing that the dryer personally composed that little jingle on a lonely sockless night just to win your affections.

God rest ye merry gentlemen Let nothing you dismay For some songs like old Yoda talk About that Christmas Day

as a Canadian, I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around the idea of garbage disposals. what do you mean the right to bear arms also applies to your sink.

I think the Americans have the right idea putting a major holiday in between Halloween and Christmas. Join me this week, fellow Canadians, as we celebrate in the inaugural Feast of Mr. Dressup. We will eat ketchup chips with puppets and hold the Christmas music at bay.

I would not, could not, in my docs Please get out of Firefox I would not, could not, on the phone Please just leave my calls alone I will not, will not, even free LLMs, just leave me be!

I do not like your AI slop I do not want this worthless glop I do not read its overviews I don't care what Grok says is true I do not like it here nor there I'm tired of it everywhere

my mom finally convinced my dad to go thrifting with her and he found the greatest thrift store find of all time on his very first try

when you call a Canadian hotline and you have to press 2 for English

Really can't overstate how rancid you have to be to make young women lose interest in relationships. When was 21 I moved in with a man whose only employment was freelance unicycling because I thought it might be fun to teach him table manners like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

It needs to be emphasized that this paragraph is about Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

setting “not now kitten, daddy’s busy” as my out-of-office message at work

I've given it some thought, and I think the funniest possible outcome is if they somehow decide to impeach Bill Clinton again

It's a great cosmic joke that neurodivergence both runs in families and gets diagnosed based on parent reports. I was diagnosed at 30 because a man who has eaten potatoes every day for 57 years and a woman who collects loose buttons decided I was a perfectly normal child.

when I travel back in time to 2016 and people ask if the candidate who wins the election is the one who has been sexually intimate with Bill Clinton

my main form of exercise is owning an older dog who takes just long enough to wake up from a nap that my FitBit thinks I've started a workout