I’m a little surprised the USA isn’t doing better in the Winter Olympics after spending the last year proving how great they are at going downhill

y’all know I’m Canada down

someone get a head of lettuce

athlete: so if triathlon is running, biking and swimming, that must mean biathlon is running and biking? coach: [taking out skis and a gun] haha yeah you’d think so

if you throw darts at the Epstein files and a pile of Magic Treehouse books you can assemble basically every headline ever written about RFK Jr

bizarre to see people doing "everyone ate natural whole foods" nostalgia for the early 2000s, the Golden Age of artificial nonsense. People in 2002 would have eaten nuclear waste if it came in 100-calorie snack packs. Half the things I ate before 2009 are now banned in the EU.

it kind of seems like democracy dies in the harsh white light of my phone screen

Nova Scotia: look at us, we value our forests and coastlines, we have some of the most pristine natural beauty in the world also Nova Scotia: lmao how much poo do you think we can dump in this harbour

KOKO THE GORILLA: koko send email. practical Koko type message Jeffrey Epstein: kooko... part y nex=t week coming>? KOKO: good email good koko give beautiful koko helicopter to jungle JE: kko, we cnt get u gorlluhh. endsong vits to is. Land KOKO: jealousy pedophile

if the groundhog pops its head out and doesn't get tear-gassed, the United States gets six more weeks of democracy

all these conservative men who bleated on about their "legacy" will watch their children grow up and change their names when they realize the true horror of what their fathers supported

regular people: I wonder if I could get in trouble for writing "for crimes" as a joke on Venmo billionaire mega-predators: hey r u going to the child torture party 2morrow, on Nov 14, 2014? here is the full legal name and social security # of every1 whose going lol

fold in some cheese tonight for Catherine O’Hara. Farewell to one of the funniest Canadians who ever lived 💔

ummmm you don't understand, MY family came here legally. They had to meet rigorous requirements like, "get on a boat", and "don't shit yourself to death on the boat before it gets there"

"Never Again" means "never again will we allow fellow human beings to be degraded, dehumanized, displaced and brutalized", not "as long as we don't do a shot-for-shot remake of the Holocaust we're good, we'll just change it up a bit next time"

night gathers and now my watch begins

First they came for the Somalis and I did not speak out because I was not Somali

If you are out pointing cameras at your armed oppressors, you are the best kind of courageous. If you are out pointing guns at nurses, mothers, and ordinary people, you are the worst kind of coward.

"exploding tree risk" does not sound like a real thing that can happen here on Earth, it sounds like a curse that a forest witch puts on a logging camp in a Hayao Miyazaki movie

we simply were not meant to process this much news every day. In 2004 we saw Janet Jackson’s nipple pasty on live TV for like four seconds and it was headline news for months.

OneDrive: give me all of your files, I'll keep them all safe, you can trust me with them :) me: okay great, I'd like see this very important file now OneDrive: I have erased every trace of that file that ever existed :)

The year is 2028. Canada is in the grips of a brutal ground invasion. Ordinary Canadians wage guerilla warfare in the streets. Rationing is in effect. The world as we knew it has disintegrated before our eyes. Pierre Poilievre is still yelling about carbon tax.

but just think of all the mining we'll be able to get done when we're no longer distracted by the sounds of those canaries

the only bright spot in the world right now is that burnt-out Gen Z and Millennials finally make up the majority of the workforce, I just called tech support for my router and was told “girl I for real think it’s cooked”

deep down, the average MAGA male yearns to be a subservient butler following a rich guy around all day going "excellent choice, sir" every time he demands another golf club or fresh goblet of goat blood

“Chinese EVs will spy on us” well I live in the Maritimes, so I hope the CCP are getting hyped to look at 9 consecutive hours of identical pine trees

when you force your closest ally to play a game of "who wants to make trade deals with the sanest available authoritarian superpower" I don't think you get to act surprised when they make a trade deal with the sanest available authoritarian superpower

as a Canadian it is my solemn duty to inform you all that Heated Rivalry is not an accurate depiction of what it’s like to date someone who has spent the entirety of their formative years sustaining head injuries at 5 in the morning

if you told people 10 years ago that WWIII is going to start with the United States invading Greenland they'd have started checking your pupils with a little flashlight

It is 2026. My life has been upended by a pandemic and the looming threat of war in Europe. It is 1917. My life has been upended by a pandemic and the looming threat of war in Europe. It is 1347. My life has been upended by a pandemic and the looming threat of war in Europe.

filed under “headlines you hear being read off in a chipper voice in an abandoned bunker in a Fallout game”

if you don’t have time to watch the full video, the quick summary is that you’re going to need this:

this is all it’s really about for them. Not domestic policy, not “economic anxiety”, just an endless desire to punish stand-ins for the Mommy who forced them take a bath, even if it tanks their own quality of life.

it’s so awesome that we’re boiling the oceans for this

thanks, I would rather send envelopes filled with individual dimes back and forth in the mail than trust AI with my money

the thing about that “first they came for” poem is that we’re at least halfway through it, and it’s not a very long poem

no I will not be hopping on a quick call to circle back

enjoying a romantic night in filled with long, yearning stares (between my dog and my husband’s pizza)

sure the future turned out to be stupid and horrible beyond my wildest imagination but on the bright side I can answer my calls with my watch like a Spy Kid

[fascists rise to power] My family: At least this must be great for you comedy writers [locusts decimate our crops] Family: You must have so much material to work with [blood rains from the sky] Family: I bet it's like the jokes just write themselves

used to think the idea of hypnotized sleeper agents turning violent after hearing an activation phrase was far-fetched, but then I heard the Microsoft Teams jingle for the first time in two weeks today

I think at a certain point the human body should just go "look buddy I'm running out of places to put all this protein, you're going to grow some horns now"

probably not a great omen that the first day of 2026 came in with weather I can only describe as “being sharted on by God”

2025 was a lot of things, but it was also the first year I kept my annual promise to stop obsessively rearranging commas in word documents and actually send my writing into the unforgiving meat grinder of publishing here’s where you can read everything that got published:

here we are 26 years later and I think my dad is still chasing the high of telling people “see you next millennium!” on December 31, 1999

will not be making a list of New Year’s resolutions until I see 2026 making a few of its own first

This is one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed, the craft here is impeccable.

[my parents flexing on me] when we were 25 we bought a 3-bedroom house on a single income [me flexing on my children] when I was 25 I bought a laptop with 16GB of RAM on a single income and one side hustle

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you need to water your Christmas tree right now or you’ll be finding dry needles in your house until March

it’s the moooooooost wonderful tiiiiime of the yeeeeeeeeeeear (the 6 days between Christmas and New Year when it is socially acceptable to eat a 2pm breakfast consisting of the wreckage of cheese and chocolate left over from your 2am dinner)