Dudes on the internet: Ancient Greek warriors were the manliest, straightest men who ever lived, it’s an insult to suggest otherwise Ancient Greek Warriors: [oiling up a slave boy] god I can’t wait to look at more statues of men with the daintiest penises of all time

being surprised when young people don’t like capitalism is like being surprised when someone hates Monopoly after you only let them join for the last 10% of the game

girl are you Christopher Nolan's adaptation of The Odyssey because you haven't even gotten here and a bunch of weird dudes are already whining that you weren't created specifically to meet their expectations

I wrote about my favourite 3.2 weeks of the year in The Beaverton

One of my old professors discovered the "living-in-history effect", which is where people only use historical events as memory landmarks if those events ruin their lives. Would not have studied so hard in his class if I'd known my whole adult life would be a live demonstration.

septuagenarian cruise passengers four seconds after testing positive for hantavirus:

I like to protect myself against any possible AI accusations by writing such unnecessarily dense and impenetrable sentences that Judith Butler herself crawls through my window and gently lifts my still-typing fingers from the keys.

"okay so we take 2000 of the most extroverted old people we can find and put them in close quarters on a ship for weeks, stopping only so they can get coughed on by strangers at random ports around the world" - telling scary stories around the fire at epidemiology sleepaway camp

don't worry everyone, the people from the hantavirus cruise ship will be asked to wash their hands before they go to the grocery store to lick all of the produce

my parents named my brother James because a James Taylor song was playing on the radio when he was born and in hindsight I guess he should be grateful that that radio station didn’t play a lot of Butthole Surfers songs

taking a break from milking my anemic micro-cow to thresh the 126 individual stalks of wheat that make up the entirety of this year’s harvest

oh noooo it sure would be a shame if roughly 121,000 people living a predominantly conservative area refused to be counted in the census and accidentally eliminated a conservative electoral riding

every person with a low-grade fever who just stepped off the hantavirus cruise ship:

How to tell the generations apart: Millennials - locked into downward social mobility through no fault of their own Gen Z - locked into downward social mobility through no fault of their own Gen Alpha - locked into downward social mobility through no fault of their own

how it feels to report to Census Canada that someone in your household said Bonjour at the airport this year

it's actually very easy to get a job in this economy if you just follow these simple steps: - identify several people in your area who have the kinds of jobs and careers that you would like to have - convince those people to suddenly take up solo cave diving

started a new run in Kingdom Come: Deliverance and I honestly think more games should start with 10 consecutive hours of getting your ass beat and served up to you fiesta-style as a random civilian with no discernable skills other than your sculpted brow ridge

every mushroom foraging guidebook: This is Woodland Pot Roast, a tasty little mushroom that adds a delightful flavour to soups and stews. Note that it is often mistaken for Satan’s Fistula, a mushroom that erases the last 9 generations of your family from God’s ledgers.

Alberta separatists separate Albertans from their privacy

what financial stability looked like for my parents: "we own a house and have a healthy savings account and we're almost done paying off both cars" what financial stability looks like for me: "twice this month I've bought Annie's instead of Kraft Dinner, marvel at my riches"

the arc of the moral universe might bend towards justice but it turns out there’s always a bunch of fuckheads around trying to bend it back

Hastily drawn Tim Hortons Smile Cookie pleads for death at hand of cruel creator

there are only three constants in life: death, taxes, and the fact that in a musical where one character spends the whole story struggling to write a song, the song they eventually come up with will be the weakest one in the show

I can absolutely fucking promise you that no woman has ever stood with her finger poised over the Tinder profile of Matt, 31, "not really sure what I'm looking for tbh", and suddenly stopped to ask herself what would Greta Thunberg do?

I am once again roasting the Nova Scotian tourist economy in the Beaverton

whenever AI pops up unbidden to try to “help me” with my writing

if an asteroid was heading toward the earth and I had mere hours left to live, I would spend that time ignoring my loved ones so I could concentrate on individually flipping off Nova Scotia Power executives

Standards of living are collapsing so quickly that modern shows depicting poverty are going to be incomprehensible in a couple of years. By 2030, Shameless will be an aspirational show about self-employed child homeowners supporting themselves through pure hustle.

[trying to figure out if my friend’s new boyfriend is on the spectrum] is he… you know… a friend of the metropolitan transportation authority

with the lights out it’s less dangerous from the icebox plums cry “save us” “we’re for breakfast” “please don’t take us” but we ate them we feel heinous they were tasty please don’t blame us

make sure you choose a password that contains capital letters, numbers, and special symbols so that someday the data broker who purchases your info can go "ooh good password" after your login details are inevitably leaked in a data breach you can do nothing to prevent

the 2026 Atlantic hurricane names have been released, and I need to tell you all right now that if I get swept off this mortal coil by a storm named Kyle I am haunting the halls of the World Meteorological Organization until the end of time

when I was 10 years old my dad looked at me and went “you’re probably old enough to watch The Ring, right?” and I went “definitely” and boy was I not qualified to make that particular judgement call

it’s kind of a shame that people think of the “Bob and Doug McKenzie” accent as the only Canadian accent. As a Maritimer raised in small-town Alberta, I’m out here making vowel sounds you can hardly begin to imagine.

Humble Premier buys private jet second-hand

Oh you’re Catholic and you disagree with the Pope? Maybe you should make a list of all the things you disagree with. Really dig deep, make it a nice long list. 95 seems like a good number. And then post that list somewhere he can see it, like maybe nailed to a church door.

this week, I am writing important war journalism in The Beaverton

It’s a family holiday, so we’ve got a family anecdote. Luke tells Ian, @mmmegan.bsky.social, and special guest @verybadllama.bsky.social the secrets of birthday party parenting.

every American I know: if my taxes aren't filed by 11:59pm on April 15th the IRS will kick down my door at the stroke of midnight and drag me into the street every Canadian I know: I file my taxes every 4-6 Septembers depending on the phase of the moon and whether I feel like it

things my mother asks for when she wants to watch “Only Murders In the Building”: - There is Death In My Neighborhood - There’s a Mystery in My Apartment - Everyone Dies in Our Building - Martin Short

I think this is the first time I've truly appreciated how staggeringly, unbelievably incompetent you must have to be to bankrupt a casino.

sure, shutting down the National Park Service will leave the US effectively defenseless against what is predicted to be a record-setting year for wildfires, but if it's any comfort, it turns out you might die in a class warfare toilet paper fire first

there's just no way that strange women lying in ponds distributing swords could be even half as bad as this

kind of starting to feel like we might just skip right past the "stock up on rice and toilet paper" apocalypse and go straight to the "learn how to bang rocks together to make fire" apocalypse

I didn't vote to burn my house down. I just voted to pour gasoline all over everything I own and then handed the keys to Crazy Arson Jim. I thought it would be funny to watch the fumes bother the guy next door, how was I supposed to know this would happen?

I know remakes are all the rage right now but this Donnie Darko reboot looks terrible

found out that my brother always thought Jesus was just tied to the cross for a bit and then let go after a while. temporarily inconvenienced for our sins.

instead of the “Irish goodbye” I will be piloting the “Maritimer goodbye”, which is when you casually drop the name of a relative as you’re getting ready to leave and have to stay for two more hours comparing family trees until you and the host discover you are distant cousins

How will Avi Lewis lure voters back to the NDP? Luke, Ian, @mmmegan.bsky.social , and special guest @verybadllama.bsky.social dish the inside dirt.

Jesus: [breaks bread] this is my body Jesus: [pours wine] this is my blood Jesus: [strums the opening chords of Space Oddity] this is ground control to Major Tom