my dog looks like she wants a word with whoever authorized setting off fireworks

twas the night before Canada Day and all through the land the people were listening to RUSH and The Band ketchup chips and toast crumbs are set out with care in hopes a House Hippo soon will be there

In today's digital world, it's sort of quaint how so much of the immigration process still goes through physical mail. It's like having a pen pal who desperately wants to see all of your wedding photos but also hates you a little bit.

hello I would like to apply for a job designing women's clothing in the year 2026. I have never actually seen human clothing before and I am generally unfamiliar with the concept, but I have a great deal of experience with couch upholstery from the 1970s. When can I start.

in hindsight it’s sort of wild how many TV and movie villains are brought down by their crimes being revealed to the world when it turns out that real life villains can live-stream their crimes in 4K and the world’s response is “Hell yeah, do more crimes”

I am once again bringing you important Canadian cultural news in The Beaverton

tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that I could use a pound of that it's almost $9 per pack

not necessarily saying a president needs to know how to manage algae, but if the manager of a Super 8 fucked up the swimming pool so badly they had to call in the National Guard, my response would not be "hell yeah let's let this guy take a crack at brokering peace with Iran"

I always feel very quaint when I use an umbrella. We have technological solutions for repelling insects, going outside in extreme cold, but rain? Hand me my shitty portable tent on a stick.

me in clinical psychology grad school: it would be unethical to give you advice, I’m here to help you discover your own insight me at my actual job every day since grad school: dude for real, you’ve gotta stop buying meth from Skeeter behind the gas station

Backrooms is the first movie to finally capture the experience of setting foot in any building in Edmonton, Alberta that was constructed before the year 1998

sometimes you can just meet someone and immediately know deep down in the depths of your soul that they do not empty their dryer lint filter between cycles

witchcraft

I have covered the water that was in the reflecting pool and which you were probably hoping was not green forgive me I am an algal bloom and you made the water so warm

she’s getting to an age where I have to start looking out for signs of hearing loss, which will be tricky because she has never once listened to me

Obviously the movie Idiocracy is satire, but it’s ridiculous to even suggest that we would start watering crops with a sports drink. We’re going to water them with protein coffee.

William the Conqueror live-tweeting the Norman Conquest in the year 1066:

It just doesn’t seem sustainable for everything to be impossibly stupid and incredibly evil at the same time. At the very least, we have to pick one or the other.

sometimes I like to remind her that her ancestors were feared apex predators for hundreds of thousands of years and then she just looks at me like this

do you wanna go to Canadian third base (you become a 19th century log driver on the St. Lawrence River while I am driven absolutely mad with lust thinking about your nimble footwork)

In hindsight it's very funny that emo music peaked right before the 2008 financial crisis. Imagine desperately calculating how you'll keep the family afloat one more month and upstairs a 14-year-old with no responsibilities starts screaming along to "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)".

kind of feels like a big deal that almost everyone in this documentary went unidentified for decades because their families reported them missing and the police just didn’t bother to open an investigation

I am once again bringing you important meteorology news in The Beaverton

US news stories in 2025: we're cancelling all the programs monitoring Incredibly Contagious Butthole Rot in foreign countries, what a waste of money US news stories in 2026: okay for some reason there are now cases of Incredibly Contagious Butthole Rot popping up in the USA

One of my favourite stories I’ve written (and one of the weirdest) is out in Paranoid Tree Press! Read it to finally understand all of my nonsense Maritime slang

no you’re right, Bianca, it was very silly of me to think I could possibly go to sleep without a dog farting directly onto my face

[watching 12-year-olds yelling on a playground] ugh, Millennials [passing a campus protest] oh, those Millennials [visiting a nursing home] so many Millennials [reading a cuneiform complaint about substandard copper] Millennials are killing the copper industry]

Please join me in congratulating my French husband on three glorious years of being married to me. It’s true what they say about marriage - when you meet the right person, there’s no limit to how much personal information you’re willing to mail to federal immigration authorities.

8 years ago I went to a lesbian bar where they passed out free oysters and when a girl leaned in to kiss me I was like "ooh no sorry I'd need an epipen for that" and I am still haunted by the possibility that I crushed this girl's self-esteem when I'm just allergic to shellfish

best advice I can offer to anyone starting out as a working writer is to develop an emotional imperviousness to rejection that would have an ancient civilization painting you blue and sending you out naked and screaming onto the frontlines of an unwinnable war

my elderly Egyptian Uber driver happily informed me that he “supports the gays now” because he lives with a lesbian couple and “the husband lesbian is a better husband than I was”, happy pride everyone

Please enjoy my latest and most unhinged contribution to The Beaverton

If we invent time travel, we should use it to satisfy our scientific curiosity. For instance, I want to know how far back I can teach people the phrase "let's jump on a call to circle back" before they kill me instantly, knowing that the future I represent must not come to pass.

me: I am stronger than my anxiety my anxiety: [bench-pressing a commercial jet] what if you accidentally bought 9 curling irons and plugged them all in before you left the house and just forgot about it

one time I posted a cute photo with my husband and someone messaged me that being happily married to a French man automatically makes me a supporter of the Algerian genocide

Hello darkness my old friend Looks like my plums are gone again I told my roommate to leave them alone But I suppose they were too sweet and cold And it seems my plans for breakfast were all made in vain The icebox remains An empty appliance

if you like my little jokes you might also like my magical realist short fiction about an elderly woman who takes her pants off at the public library, out now in Fugue Journal

my French husband watching me take a McCain Deep n Delicious out of the freezer for dessert

Radium is the hot new technology and it’s inevitable, all of you luddites refusing to put radium in your skin cream and toothpaste and water are going to be left behind

me: the green light represents the pursuit of wealth and the futility of the American dream the guy stuck behind me at the intersection, honking frantically: hey asshole, go already, some of us have to beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past

"I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man who walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door" sounds so much more romantic than "I would walk from Halifax, Nova Scotia to Kitchener, Ontario for you"

I told Bianca that it’s not nice to bark at children and apparently she does not agree

got waved at by tourists on the Halifax Harbour Hopper today

I just think it would be better for everyone if the people who make adhesive for maxi pads and the people who make adhesive for bookstore price stickers switched jobs

come on Eileen say it’s just a bad dream did you really eat the plums I saved you in that dress yes, it’s time to confess where’s my breakfast? oh come on Eileen

Robert K. Irving dies, to be buried in the Great Moncton Pyramid

[writing the most inspirational university commencement speech I can think of] you are all doomed to become human batteries, kept alive in pods so that the electricity coursing through your flesh may power The Machines

if anyone needs me, I’ll be playing “Second Half of 2026 Simulator”

POV you are in the middle of downtown Halifax on a calm night with perfect weather and there’s absolutely no reason the power should not be on

failing to contain a virus outbreak that started on a boat out at sea is kind of like if you could fail the Skyrim tutorial section by falling out of the prisoner cart and getting trampled by a horse