sometimes I try to not use emojis, it's hard using just words to get the point across. emojis are like the tone and facial expressions when I only have text

I’m allergic to shark bites.

My wife was sitting on the couch looking at an actual map so I said, "Oh no, is the internet down?!?"

If I could abolish one word, it would be "sorry."

Good things take time, we're not in a rush; we can pick a tempo that we know can work for both of us

At this point I feel like car manufacturers laugh when they install turn signals.

I promise you, you will never regret having pure intentions and a beautiful heart. All good things come back multiplied.

how dare you bring milkshakes into my boy free zone

Most of the people here who say “Asking for a friend” probably don’t have any friends.

I think the nicest thing my wife did for my birthday was to leave town for the weekend 😎

We could drive each other mad in the best way, if you want

Goddesszilla

Silence of the Yams, starring Sweet Potato

Silence of the Hams, starring Ms Piggy

I'm not sure how to make jokes right now because reality is such a joke already

the music the neighbors are playing loudly in their yard sounds like hold music

I passed the bar. But then I turned around and went in for a beer.

i’d write you poetry, but it would turn into a grocery list halfway through.

Wait. Is this the Monster Mash? *does a little dance*

Stopped at a gas station to get some Tylenol sinus severe pills. I hope they work. I now have a sinus headache.

my best skeets were posted when you were offline

it takes a lot of effort to get a crowd to start the wave which no one at this funeral seems to appreciate

not using weeks to give my baby’s age but using seconds

If you should ever fall, know that I'll be there to catch you. With arms wide open and a heart full of love. A safe place to rest.

an exceptionally hard elbow drop to my spine would fix me

"Waste not, want not," I say cheerfully as I eat the cereal box.

Giggles... I'm a athlete now! After signing up for the elite membership at Planet Fitness.

my superpower? turning anything you say to me into a compliment

Creep by Radiohead is my favourite song about that guy in your DMs.

him: i thought by now we’d have flying cars me: i thought by now we’d be able to get a milkshake at mcdonalds

I’m not sure it’s legal for someone with my background but I only had two corn dogs for dinner last night

No one screenshot any of my posts. I'll be running for higher office soon

Today I’m blocking anyone skeeting about coffee

Retired professional skeeter logging on

Grapes are just hydrated rasins

Autocorrect changed “pet peeve” to “pet perve” and now I have my very own Gimp.

‘Scarlett Johansson’s body’ is not the correct answer when your wife asks what accessories go with her new dress, I know this now.

my idea of romance? eye contact, shared fries, and not ghosting.

If Bsky is dead then I'm seeing a lot of dead people.

Sometimes, only bacon and sarcasm can keep me from sobbing.

My wife got me a traeger for father's day, my birthday and xmas. And probably next father's day too. Anyway, I love it!

I'm kinda a birthday scrooge, but you motherfuckers really warmed my heart today. Thanks everyone 🥰

I'd like to thank the lady at Dollar General who hacked and coughed into both hands for a solid 5 minutes before ringing me up, handling the stuff I was buying, then handing me my cash back, without washing or sanitizing her hands first. It's been nice knowing you all.

Her: I just need someone who’s consistent. Me: I have a track record of 100% for leaving my take-home bag at the restaurant.

this generational trauma could’ve been an email

Butthole Bloc Party By Invitation Only!!!