solar is so cool man. I climbed up on my shed roof last week and installed a panel to charge my yard tools and now I’m mowing my lawn with power I stole from a fucking star

truly fb marketplace is a place of wonder and terror

The Enhanced Games are bullshit. They’re still banning runners from competing using the most powerful drug of all: being in a car

Of course I know Wario is evil but I always pick him because I’m able to separate the kart from the kartist

Game Show where they psychoanalyze you for prizes called What's Your Deal?

*unhides valley ranch*

An Italian/Skateboarding restaurant called “Ollie Garden.”

my 2% milk container has a leak, so i guess it's hole milk now

Sorry i rear-ended you i was trying to catch the attention of the dog in the car next to me

Nothing better to do with a bonfire than show it your hands, imo

like if Natalie Merchant's voice has ever made you cry, repost if you would die for her

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

me (buzzing into jeopardy): what is my meat

the house i grew up in didn't have an "office" it was the Computer Room

Accidentally passed through the insecurity gate at the airport and they took me aside and explained that my baggage makes me fundamentally unlovable.

young pope leo looks like a ska scene regular who goes by Upbeat but no one knows his real name

(on my deathbed) now can I do a silly one

hank hill sold propane. if he gave it away, it would be amateurpane. and there's a drive into deep left field by Castellanos,

I wrote my first thinkpiece when i was one year old: "We need to talk about peek-a-boo"

Ah fuck my rate limited exceeded. Ah goddamit.

Mamdani: If the NYC apartment you keep solely for bi-yearly affairs with your mistress costs over 5 million dollars, you gotta pay more tax NYPD officer who’s been on disability since 2006 because he stomped too hard on a lady during an arrest and fucked up his ankle: This is a travesty

ME: (trying to file a missing person's report for my wife) She's very pretty. Beautiful. She could be a secretary. POLICE: Ok but we need you to be more specific. ME: oh ok. She could be a secretary to a titan of industry.

Would an "old man" listen to "One of These Days" three times while riding his bike on a Thursday morning? I don't think so.

pronouncing vegemite like yosemite (i learned this from australian bluesky)

no judgment

Currently being breastfed (someone’s feeding me chicken)

As someone who doesn't want children the only thing that could change my mind is if a weird guy on the internet told me I should

two buttcheeks, both alike in dignity in fart verona where we lay our pipe

Sandee LaMotte for Cannibal News Network

i can find pretty much any small Device interesting except for watches. no idea why but that's the one expensive consumer commodity i'm totally immune to. cool chronograph or whatever but it does the same job as a ninja turtles casio to me

la croix announces it will be pivoting to AI

Sorry I yelled “FINISH HIM” at your son’s circumcision

Death doula, the mic rula, the old schoola, you want a RIP, I’ll bring it to ya

Putting my arm pits in soil to try and grow more arms.

Let's make this slaughterhouse, a slaughterHOME.

My madness manifests itself in small ways.

due to personal reasons i will no longer be giving a fuck about anyone else’s happiness but my own

I would do well as a Jeopardy! contestant if before responding to a clue I could spend a couple of minutes saying, “It’ll come to me.”

i've learned that honesty is the best policy when i'm summoned by HR but also to be carefully vague

I think it’s silly when men get annoyed that I nag them to take care of themselves. I’m just securing long term lawn maintenance and drain hair removal. Sue me.

The louder you get, the stupider you sound.

I could easily take ChatGPT’s job.

I can tell this baby at the park is soft on crime.

safety in numbers is why I always carry an extra corn dog

the only fintech i care about is equipping orca whales with saw blades

hey banks stop offering me credit cards have you learned nothing

Before I got here, I did a fart that sounded like a creaky door Priest: *to my fiancé* Are you sure about this

when life hands you grens make grenades, makes perfect sense send tweet

Jazzercizing my demons