One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Sorry to get political but I think we should pay people to check for poop in our food

Several of you are characters in my new play

This is about the time in my workday where I start to google how I can get paid to sell pics of my feet

I'm usually pretty chill Except for that one time And all those other one times

This won’t be my first restraining order babe

I don't even background check before a date anymore just kill me

there are people out there who think Blink 182 is punk music *shudders*

A style guide for glowing up lying in bed avoiding life.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike) Alright...I’m ready to make some concessions.

Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder WHAT THE FUCK

Me: *taking off my clothes* I hope you like it rustic

Excuse me! Garçon! I was promised fresh hell, not the same shit warmed up day after day.

I just want to live in a world where I don’t have to say, “What the fuck is wrong with people?” every time I leave my house.

I wouldn't know where to start if someone presented me with a bag of dicks.

Not making sense just isn't worth it. Take it from me, a please take it from me from me repetitive caricature. It was fun at the carnival, like the giant prizes in seatbelts on the way home, but sooner or later the crossroads twinkie deep fries for thee

Really digging your AM radio vibe I mean how many people can just cut out and be really silent under a bridge like that, wait, what are you pointing at oh shit mothman

I didn't spend all this time not developing translucent skin and bug eyes just to end up living in a cave. But I am finally willing to go really deep and more impossible to understand

We chose our carriage our gown our ball but all we really wanted was a gourd that can write doctors' notes

I suggested to the fellas at the golf club that we open a coffee shop in the clubhouse and call it 'Parbucks' and then four of them tried to drown me in the lake.

WIFE: *reading news article* Omg a woman choked on a chickpea and died ME: *barely audible* Hummuscide HER: Get out!

Ah April fools day, the day I call my friend Eric 'Erik' lol I'm such a prankster.

ME: What does emo mean? GIRLFRIEND: It’s emotional ME: [holding her hand] It’s ok babe. I’ll ask someone else.

And for my third wish I asked for 3 more wishes but the genie was like 'you can't wish for that' and then I was all 'no, you said I couldn't ask for infinite wishes' and he was like 'damn, I need to tighten up' so I wished I was a little bit taller, a baller and then...yep...3 more wishes.

GOD: You CAN fly. Just under water PENGUIN: Fuck you dude, you called that 'swimming' only a few minutes ago.

Those were some notable cunts you mentioned there, indeed.

Aquarius: Before you consider arguing with someone online, why not try dropping an anvil on your head instead?

sorry i yelled crouching tiger hidden dragon when you fell down the stairs

One thing I firmly believe is that, instead of flying, airplanes should run around on extremely long legs

[recorded astronaut radio chatter] captain: have you guys seen my chocolatey lava pie? it was right here next to the... HEY IS THAT CHOCOLATE ON YOUR FACE

"GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE" I yell as I bludgeon you to death with a baby

ME: (remembering time is money) what money is it

Youth Pastor [shouting over the music] YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP

This, too, shall pass, I whisper as I gobble an Ex-lax and slam a double espresso.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly He (sigh): Ok it’s… your “signature sex move” She: Judgmental Corpse?

val kilmer’s turn in TOP SECRET is one of the single best comedy performances ever committed to film, both in terms of comic precision and mechanical virtuosity. just watch this whole clip in its entirety; it’s stunning

group chats are dumb until I’m invited then they’re really dumb

Sleep deprivation will have you thinking you’re funny. That’s why it’s important to post your thoughts on bluesky dot app. You must learn the harsh truth.

why can't tornadoes deliver takeout

I just found out people log off of here sometimes and let me tell you, I’m furious

Fool me once, bye

if i wanted to fight someone i would simply invite them outside, where the laws of applebee’s hold no dominion over me

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here furiously flipping through a dictionary trying to find out what “imagine” even means