*sits with good posture for 20 seconds* Nope, this can’t be right.

Sad songs: Everyone goes away, I want you and it hurts, people die, everything is temporary, there is no ground to stand on Buddhists: We been saying this

in the uk is it called meths

When the waiter arrives to take our plates away, I always move mine a few centimetres closer to him to show that I'm a great guy and very helpful.

Thank God for Bluesky: A little love letter to the people who would not compromise with Nazis iandunt.substack.com/p/thank-god-...

With BAPRAS 2025 upon us, here's a wonderful throwback memory of our President, Mr Mark Henley, with Press Officer, Tingy Simoes at BAPRAS 2024! #BAPRAS2025 #ESPRAS #PlasticSurgery #TBT #BAPRAS #StrongerTogether @tingys.bsky.social

Busy first day for CBS press officer @tingys.bsky.social at the @baprasvoice.bsky.social Congress in Belfast yesterday! Great to see so many CBS members!

it's my daughter's birthday and I ordered her a monster cake from Carvel and this is the picture on the website and this is the picture of it in real life. please note: this is not a complaint. if this had been the picture on the website i would have paid more

I would walk 500 miles but I wouldn’t walk 500 more because 500 is enough and it’s really rude of you to ask for even that much honestly. why don’t you also walk 500 miles. this is all questionable

I am so tired of hearing about the deals. Please have mercy, stop emailing me about the deals

To begin with today, happy 117th anniversary to this entirely reasonable cat

hello 911 i ate too much

I gave my mom what I thought was a soup-themed bath bomb some years back, but it was actually soup. She had to call my dad in to get her out of the greasy tub.

every day i wake up and think ok today i’m going to try super hard not to go insane

I just want to be kept in the style to which I wish I were accustomed.

Sorry November but I can’t do this current news cycle AND cold toes at the same time, one of you has got to go

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

Big news: I just successfully took delivery of a package without talking too loud or saying "very thanks" or inexplicably trying to shake hands with the delivery guy

It's almost like when you tax the rich in a place you get to make that place a better place and even the rich just looking out the windows of their limos at most of that place in passing prefer to think "oh, that looks nice" rather than "I must prepare my bunker for the impending apocalypse"

so joyce carol oates owned elon so hard he's been taking out ads on X saying he has in fact read a book and watched a movie and he's clearly spiraling and unable to recover from such a vicious own i say to my wife as she frantically pulls out of the driveway

Help mom I’m being bullied by 87 year old novella writer Joyce Carol Oates again can you pick me up

Jesus I see what you've done for others

lol

Starting my next video call standing in the corner Blair Witch style

INTERVIEWER: Any comment on Zohran Mamdani's victory and what it says about immigrants and trans rights? LABOUR POLITICIAN: (panicking) I've never heard of New York

Female dragonflies fake their own death to avoid mating with an unwanted partner and frankly, I’m inspired by that level of self care

i'm sorry. i know there's so much bad news out there, and i hope this won't push you over the edge, but my 4 year old was just eating marshmallows she dipped in ketchup

Me, a sailor in ancient times, sailing my boat into the rocks like an idiot: Uhh a lady made me do it. By singing. Usually I'm really good at this

you don't understand. as someone who isn't inherently good at art, stealing paintings from the museum is the *only* way i'm able to express myself creatively. i wouldn't be able to paint beautiful portraits. but by breaking into a museum and stealing the paintings, now i am

"I've told the story of Akromiya for 20 years. I’m telling it again now, because today is No King’s Day, and I am afraid that 'Antifa' is the American Akromiya: a fabricated entity made by state propagandists to persecute anyone who opposes the government." sarahkendzior.substack.com/p/inventing-...

Economists fear the United States may be approaching a bruh moment

CNN talking about the possibility of violence as a guy in a giraffe costume waddles by

If anyone needs me I will be in the museum, lying down next to the bog bodies.

regret to inform you all that we have another one www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/1...

I have the hangover that all baby hangovers want to be when they grow up. I am hung, drawn and quartered over. I am hung like a horse over.

BREAKING: Venezuela's Maria Corina Machado wins the Nobel Peace Prize for 2025 reut.rs/42uh3Aw

YES 🇻🇪🇻🇪🇻🇪🏆✨️

Looking at Jane Fonda at 87 and wondering whether we perhaps should've taken her workout video shit more seriously at the time.

Big day for me. A box I've been saving for over 3 years was just perfect for something

Spectacular 🧵👌🏽

Dam been writing a book about this and she just TikToked it in 90 seconds.

ME: what’s for dinner KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Keir Starmer’s spokesperson asked for the PM's response to Nigel Farage’s plan to deport hundreds of thousands of people living and working completely legally in the UK, replies that he thinks it is “unworkable” and “unfunded”. So his objection is that they’ve got their sums wrong

may I speak with the primary poster in your household?

Ghostly heron in the fog on my walk this morning

Queen

I think I've had enough tests of my resilience thanks