me, walking into the British museum

they should ban social media for all of us tbqh, we have proven that we cannot be trusted with tools of the dark arts

Breaking News: the algae has agreed to accept $300 billion to consider vacating the reflecting pool

Age verification idea: ask every user how they feel about a magnolia tree flowering, or a lush wisteria.

Saw a post earlier today saying it was weird that we all feel the need to riff on a handful of weird things every day like that lady doing the cheeto video but I view it the opposite way where every day all posters get our assigned Iron Chef set up and bring forward our special dishes to the judges

Well, that was a fucking ride.

RIP Mark Rothko. You would have loved how the hydrogen peroxide bleach is only turning the Reflecting Pool blue around the perimeter

“Tomorrow is another day” used to be something people said to encourage each other but now it just kinda feels like a threat.

It's now 2044, the first class of children born on the Kennedy Center scaffolding is graduating High school on the Scaffolding. The Live stream continues. #KennedyCenter

i feel a bit understaffed to be operating as a person

Nigel Farage Listens to the News

My fitness app is so needy. "It's not too late to get some movement now!" sir it's nearly 9pm we both know it's not going to happen

Touching grass is not enough I need to share a sunny log with five or six turtles

This essay explains everything that is going on in the USA, with abundant citations. They Want Us Dead www.welcometohellworld.com/they-want-us...

After recent events, I no longer identify as dishwasher safe.

thinking of becoming one of those abandoned castles in the middle of the forest that nature has reclaimed

my watch keeps congratulating me for standing up I don’t know if it’s being sarcastic or what

Tucking my hair behind my ear, looking up shyly, and opening my mouth to make the loudest dolphin noises you've ever heard.

I feel like the photographer could have gotten a little closer tbh

We all have that one friend who vanishes into the mist…only to return with a bone saw and a vat of acid, insisting you have to help “break down the body” otherwise you can be charged with accessory. Right? We all have that one friend? It—it’s not just me, right?

You come to me, on the day of my son's wedding, which I am not attending

I’m down to 1 percent on my phone battery but my god I’ve never felt more ali

You guys ever just accidentally space out for 5 to 10 years

Lasagna is basically spaghetti flavored cake

I hereby renounce my adulthood and demand my mom come pick me up

[posting anything anywhere on the internet] I'm sure this will receive a normal response

me in the supermarket with my mom when i was little

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

me, buying a book written by someone who I've never met but we sometimes like each other's posts on Bluesky: my friend wrote this

Anyway Starmer can’t resign as we’ve got too many podcasters already

Yikes

wandering the Sonora desert in a carefree fashion like

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that pet we buried in that sematary, and he’s definitely looked better.

what if you could push a button and cheese just appeared and then you could eat the cheese

The replies to this have ended me 👌🏽👌🏽👌🏽

Getting called on after zoning out in a meeting and replying "this used to be a vast prairie"

Speed dating is where you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

me, after coming up with a revolutionary idea and then immediately forgetting it for ever

humpty dumpty: (falling off the wall) please don’t write a nursery rhyme about this

i think i did something to offend sleep

They should invent a term for when someone misrepresents themselves to lure a victim into a false relationship as part of a scam.

CVS Employee: Damn, is your baby sick or something? Me *holding 6 Pedialytes and sweating pure tequila* Yes, the baby is in grave danger.

they should invent a me that's awake

I take one week off from the gym every week to let my body heal

i believe in aliens but more importantly i hope they believe in themselves

Hello, Nutella, I need to return this jar as it doesn't float gracefully around the room.

you can drink tzatziki sauce nothing matters

Growing up in the 70s/80s, everyone's parents had some piece of bad, spooky art. My family's was a painting of elephants and hot-air balloons that looked like an evil circus on the moon. It was like, "We elected Nixon, kids, gaze into this window into our subconscious."

me: why isn’t ‘architect’ pronounced like archduke or archbishop or archenemy my gynecologist: what