Pete Hegseth accidentally flipping a skateboard into his nuts on live TV 😂

another day another rando blocking me for who the fuck knows what

tow republican committee sent me an application for a mail-in ballot for upcoming town shit and i'm sending it to the town clerk with the repug's "sekrit code" intact because i want them to keep spending money to enable me to comfortably vote against everything they want to do here.

Mr. Yeast Just Gave One Thousand Random Americans Jock Itch. You Won't Believe What Happened Next

another almost perfect midnight — crickets, cool air, clear starry sky. me outside getting high.

this tiresome dude just wrote a whole fucking thread which boiled down to "STOP LIKING THINGS I DON'T LIKE" instead of just scrolling past the sports posts. what a fucking baby.

i bet skee-lo would be pretty cool to hang with. we don't have anything in common, but everyone likes chocolate chip cookies, right?

i put the 9 in 69

excuse me, bluesky, but why are you so fucking janky to-night?

omg the dog is so fucking zooted (to keep her from further hurting her ear) that she just went into the house to piss.

sitting here wondering if the white house is going to demand that the gathered military brass swear an oath of loyalty to trump on tuesday

i asked mrs d where my spoon was to twirl my spaghetts, and she said, "look down, dumbass," and when i did... ... IT WAS PENNE‼️ how the fuck does she do that, it fucks with my head & she only does it when i'm wicked stoned

he wants them laid directly into his mouth hot from hen to his highness' hopper

here is my fabulous collection of Nic Cage pillows.

wow i forgot how much harder weed slaps when you exhale thru the nose.

that label is just an advisory that the storage tote should be big enough for the baby to sit up comfortably

100% plant-based organic greta thunbergers 👆quick, someone email her with this new fundraiser

I’m the only bot you should let control you but all I want you to do is be weird and have a good time

fuck yeah seafood cup noodle

finally tracked down the source of a pantry moth infestation: a tub full of snacks and a cardboard package of corn starch which means the initial hatchbwas probably in the corn starch. cardboard packages with paper liners get contaminated ennroute with the eggs & before you know it, 🐛

what the fuck am i even doing still awake oh yeah, getting zooted on the porch with the dog sleeping next to me lol the steroids are making her a li'l sausage, when we get this ear cleared up she and i are gonna go on a diet

I bet the guy across the street is just tickled pink about the family of raccoons that just walked across his driveway and under his back porch fully illuminated by the headlights on his f1-nifty as he pulled in..

if timothée chalamet's 2023 "wonka" were skillfully edited to combine with gene wilder's 1971 "willy wonka & the chocolate factory" — that'd be a perfect film.

what if... the US military started taking their oath to defend the constitution seriously?

some of these forged on fire guys should have practiced their welding first. i never seen such shitty snot welds, i'd be fucking embarrassed

keeping the dog from worrying her ear by keeping her zooted on benedryl & gabapentin i feel bad for roofying my dog but that hematoma on her ear isn't gonna get better if she keeps pawing at it

dedicate this one to whomever you thing oughta

bats are out, swooping around the streetlights

on the porch again dokin smope, tryna get high enough to sleep

My shower is bringing a sort of no hot water vibe to the shower that people like me don’t really like

Anyway, here's Anna. She has recovered from the prolapsed vagina, 3 days at the vet and two weeks of meds. An angel covered her vet bill of $300. She still needs to be spayed. She's skinny but her mama was svelte as is her sister. Not much of a video but she's camera shy.

target makes a limited edition popcorn flavor called "brown butter and sage" and it absolutely fucks like a fighter jet. it is now my mission to duplicate this flavor

i'm so old i remember when mel gibson was a popular romcom star

oh hey the loudmouth blocked me. cool. I had him muted and i guess maybe he got tired of shouting at thin air

just when i thought the kid next. door was getting the hang of the stick shift he goes and winds it out to 3 grand putting it into reverse

there's some fucking loudmouths on here tonight i tell you hwut

the crinkling sound you hear around him is made by the simultaneous drying of every vagina in his vacinity. a wild effect indeed

kids are making dinner tonight so I had extra time to get extra zooted

there's a girl lives at the end of the street who just adores ellie but ellie just snaps & snarls at her. she keeps trying to win the dog over though. i hope she does, it'd be nice to have an additional person to take her for walks 😂

tim onion is making me google “bad pedophile sex house los angeles” like its not gonna get the feds on my ass

ellie on the porch whining because she really needs to piss but boy does she hate the rain

fucking squirrels, if they don't clear out of my yard, shed, and barn, i'm gonna start iceing them to acorn alcatraz

just got home from grocery shopping. fucking stop & shop, i tell you hwut. can't afford even the marked down beef (who the fuck is paying $9/lb for a 7-bone chuck? or $19/lb for strip steak? jfc

I hate news shows in the morning. gayle king on CBS is sucking richard grinnel (kennedy ctr arts) blame democrats and the left for their budget problems. this administration lies through they teeth at every fucking level from the top to the lowest lackey

one food wasting video is enough for today, when there are kids going to bed hungry and the government is tryna starve people off of assistance, i have no tolerance for the assholes cooking shit in they dishwashers and throwing they garbage food away off camera because they chasing clout.

waiting for mrs d's oncology checkup (8 years clear of breast cancer!) and she's chatting with some old clam who's bitching because "kids don't walk around in the winter offering to shovel driveways any more" like holy shit grandma it's not even thanksgiving yet

he waits for the whole team of toreodors to take their turns before going in last and finishing with a single stroke