FLINTSTONE VITAMINS CAUSE MEASLES!!! You heard it here first!

no their not

Only the toughest, most masculine men require federal military intervention and the national guard of several states to ride the subway. Take that, snowflakes!

I can't imagine being so miserable I get mad at Superman.

I feel like we all owe John Mellencamp a big apology.

i’m at the taco bell i’m at the urgent care i’m at the combination taco bell and urgent care

In every line of people, there's always that one dickhead who has to keep turning around and staring at everyone behind them 🙄🖕

Just ate a really scary sandwich, I think it was an Edgar Allen Poe boy

This like watching two drunk raccoons fight over a hot dog

A lot of losers today, but Marco Rubio gets two christmases now

quoth the raven: "just found out we can mate with sexy crows and shit gonna get freaky forevermore"

I’ve found that you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he travels in. For instance, if he wears boots with an upturned pointed toe and a bell at the end, he is likely a jester or an elf of one kind or another.

I think it’s finally time to confess that I have no idea what any of you are talking about

Slim Jim is short for Slimothy James

A pill case is like an Advent Calendar in that you open it every day until you meet Jesus

Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got weakass robots

Grimace has seen some shit.

Roland couldn't wait to go to school. The other kids were gonna be totes jelly of his sweet-ass new kicks.

Food critics are wild. Bro, why are you bullying spaghetti?

Just saw your text from last night. Do you still need a fire extinguisher

earworm = rhyme in the coconut

ME: you’re smothering me SERIAL KILLER:

Studies have shown that fuck all this shit

porcupines are just squirrels that listen to the sex pistols

All signs point to hell freezing over.

You've just been thrown to your death by the Beatles.

I've saved up enough to retire to a small island

Policeman: "Got any ID?" Redneck: "'bout what?"

ok we KNOW where waldo AND carmen san diego are they are together and they are FUCKING and they ain't coming back until they are done

Will life ever be the same again? Find out in next week’s episode of: Not Fucking Likely.

My dermatologist: It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the eczema again

My dad died going off the rails on a crazy train you son of a bitch

One time I did a sleep study and never bothered getting the results. Everyone could tell I was terrible at it.

interviewer: how are your listening skills? me: absolutely

When you have an 8 am zoom meeting and you woke up at 7:55 am.

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes -a memoir by my husband and 7yo

Never mind TikTok. Can we ban Linkedln.

“you should thank me, you’re getting your steps in!” i yell, chasing you with a hatchet

hotel mini bar stocked with little bottles of vanilla extract

I pretend to still be reading a birthday card even after I notice money inside

Popcorn ceilings just aren’t as tasty as you’d think.

I’d be a lot happier if thinking happy thoughts paid the bills.

I can write better than this but I don't want to be the one the aliens abduct and force to punch up their ultimatums.

Her: I don't believe in coincidences. Me: OMG! Me neither!