Birds that don’t have a good chirp, coo or song should be a different species so I don’t waste my fucking time.

Got a donation email from Kamala Harris saying now more than ever we need to align on what the future of Democratic Party will be. It’s like they’re all allergic to talking about the entire election cycle.

I don’t know a lot about politics but it seems bad that Hakeem Jeffries, a NYC congressman and leader of the democratic caucus, hasn’t posted anything since yesterday morning.

The only time I get a shy bladder in a public restroom is when there’s one of these cracked Barbarian doors right behind the urinal. I don’t want the Mother watching me go.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve got on my Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee shirt.

Hell yeah, all the luxury of a Happy Anniversary banner at the Community Center.

Really looking forward to the Speaker of the House claiming to be unaware of the election results.

A lot of the people celebrating Dick Cheney’s death today as though he somehow shaped the modern political climate seem to be conveniently forgetting that he also hunted a guy.

A Mamdani win would be wonderful but I’d absolutely love to see Sliwa come in second because it hurts the most feelings.

Baseball isn’t huge for our family, and for whatever reason our feed of the World Series was 30 seconds ahead of everyone else in our area which meant there were a few moments where my son and I knew the Dodgers won and we could go outside to listen to everybody who really cared live that moment.

“I’m sorry. I thought we had an agreement. THE NEIGHBORHOOD AGREED.” I tell the hundredth kid dressed as Donatello at my door as I allow him to select his favorite apple from the bushel.

i don't understand why they're called the toronto blue jays and not the toronto baseballs. i'll never understand it. same with the dodgers, they should be called the baseballs too. more people should be like me and speak out when they see that something is wrong

I’ve played enough video games to know that if I find a gun in the woods, it’s a reward for my curiosity and it’s about to make my life a whole lot easier.

SCOOP: several days ago Zohran Mamdani was overheard saying he "needs" to eat dinner. An inside source confirmed he had eaten breakfast and lunch that day, giving him an estimated 2+ weeks without additional calories before he might have died from starvation

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

I love Tim Burton movies. No scares. Just vibes. Let the skeletons imitate Groucho at me.

*Watching The French Connection* Well I’m not and I can’t understand what the fuck is happening.

I hope I die alone so no one is with me at the pearly gates when they read out all the weird stuff I did.

I also would do some high impact construction for a ballroom if dancing was my passion.

I’m sorry but dems are going to run out of thoughtful, smart politicians pretty quick if they can’t accept someone with a simple King Leopold tattoo that says “The Congo Deserved It.”

Happy 15th Anniversary to CRACKED After Hours!

The Los Angeles No Kings rally is good but it’s very easy and comfortable to protest here. I admire the people who are protesting far off in red states like Orange County.

Redefining athleisure by wearing my karate gi to the mall.

Sociologists who study people like Pete Hegseth and the alpha male fetish should be called Cosplay-Marine Biologists.

A lot of people asking so let me just say how touched and humbled I am to have been honored in statue form with my footprint maker and co-pilot.

having a huge argument with dracula through the sliding glass door about whether or not he needs my invitation if he's just going to hang out on the patio

I don’t know a lot about geopolitics and wars and stuff but I really believe the witch king would’ve done much better at the Battle of Pelennor Fields if he chose not to fight in robes.

I’d like to apologize for the terrible and hurtful things I was proved to have done, there is no room for it in society and I will reflect, grow and also leave the door open to the possibility people will believe the evidence was doctored.

I for one think it’s a good thing that cops immediately inform each other when their body cam is recording. It’s a subtle way of telling their colleague, “Hey, do all the good stuff you were going to do anyway.”

One of the craziest stories I've seen in a long time. If you think Trump and his administration are extreme and depraved, just wait until you learn about the young guns who are positioning themselves to take over the reigns in the next few decades www.politico.com/news/2025/10...

I hope you enjoyed Halloween, mother fuckers because it’s wall to wall Santa Chewbaccas and chalky plastic trees from now until 2026. GET ON MY LEVEL, dorks. -The Home Depot

Not a lot of representation for obese cats in Halloween decorations.

Sure, getting a babysitter for the night is nice, but the real joy comes from outsourcing the fight with my kids about food for one goddamn meal.

There is no errand in my life so important that I won’t abandon it the minute I see someone outside with a clipboard.

On the bright side, we are living in a time of incredible stain-fighting technology

Sorry, but the Frankenstein monster is not scary. I’m not gonna pee my pants for a zombie that doesn’t bite and loves philosophy. That guy sounds like a good hang.

Had to quit my workout early because I didn’t have headphones and was raw dogging the gym. Apparently they don’t want you having any kind of sex with an LA Fitness.

We have by no means seen the last time a player drops the ball inches before running into the endzone. Probably not even the last time this year, and I think that’s beautiful.

The military invasions of American cities seems like a pretty clear groundwork to either run for a third term because America can’t take care of itself, or to cancel elections all together.

It seems crazy the we don’t call the nails we use for mounting pictures “hangnails” and also that we don’t call hangnails “fingering deal breakers.”

When the AI bubble bursts, no one will say the tech industry forgot a single avenue of media propaganda.

Even Shakey’s logo loses confidence half way through.

Showing up on our first date an hour early to neatly tick this article inside your menu.

“Who are these jokes for?!” I shout down into the deep well in my heart. “Jokes? What jokes? Show me the joke.” The void answers.

Gym Hack: the little rectangle marker you use to claim a bench can also be used to manage your fantasy football team.

Look at this fuckin dork elf.

Senator: (posting on bluesky) The president told his supporters to prepare for the “Night Of One Thousand Screams.” Might I suggest he instead hold the Night Of One Thousand Bipartisan Discussions Of Job Creation Opportunities

What level of Online Boomer Brain Damage is posting an obvious AI slop video in which YOU YOURSELF APPEAR?