Oh thank you.

Ok. Now had a chance to check and, well, at least some docs do appear to be straight up classic redaction fail. And there are some *interesting* bits here. www.justice.gov/multimedia/C...

All hauntings should be preluded by an unrelated ghost showing up and telling me what to expect the rest of the night and at what time.

Now seems like a swell time to point out that Frontline just released this excellent 11-minute mini-documentary about what happened inside CECOT.

My daughter: (Sneering while listening to All I Want For Christmas Is You) “All I want for Christmas is presents.”

The real message in Lord of The Rings is No Problem Too Big, No Pup Too Small.

A profound predicament indeed. You purport to be a bowl filler, devotedly, religiously. And yet here we all stand with the stark evidence of an empty bowl between us. Curious.

The year is 2038. You have to call your spouse on the side of the Trumpway to explain your Trump blew a Trump-rod and now you’re gonna have to pay 2000 Trumpies to get it fixed.

No one at dinner is really loving that I’ve started calling feta “taa.” As in, “You gonna finish your taa crumbles, bro?” And “Yo, does this have taa in it?” Possible the environment isn’t right. Might try it again outside of a McDonald’s and with people I know.

Want to feel old? Rip Van Winkle was 45 years-old when he woke up.

Me: I went back in time and killed baby Hitler. You: You killed a baby? Me: Yes, but Hitler as a baby. You: Which Hitler? It’s a very popular name.

I don’t think I’d like feasting on the bones of my enemies. The chicken nuggets of my enemies maybe.

I hate that every week there's something stupid like an Everyone Has To Drink Pee Now Bill and the alert sounds to CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES THIS IS NOT A DRILL and you really wish you could just trust them to not go for the pee drinking bill

Quick favor if it’s not too much trouble: When people finally have sex in a Christmas movie can we not cut away? If you’re insisting this Frosty is in fact hot then let us see him put in the work slamming the damp. Thank you.

Shout out to all the people this holiday season who still manage to get drunk at work holiday parties even though the situation feels wrong.

Do people in Europe know what it means to get cold feet? Or do they call it a panic meter?

I sometimes wonder if zombies could really tear someone apart with their bare hands and then I cut the shit out of my palm with a hangnail just from grabbing my phone wrong.

It seems crazy that we still argue over it just because one little girl called the doctor Frankenstein instead of the monster in her version.

After they pull the child free of the accident, the doctor says “I can’t operate on this boy, he is my Frankenstein.”

One of the many reasons AI can't produce good writing is it can't hate its own writing. It can't think to itself "Maybe I'm illiterate" during the writing process. And that's essential

Excellent article about how horrible this is and how screwed our society probably is right now harpers.org/archive/2025...

There’s an unspoken rule about celebrity that once you’ve achieved a certain renowned, you have to smell incredible every day or people will talk about it.

There’s nothing hotter than going to a big Christmas party and spending the whole time quietly tucked away in a corner whispering to your wife. I assume, from the outside. In the conversation we’re speculating how both our kids got viral pink eye.

I want to formally thank my gym for awarding me the Planet Fitness Peace Prize.

I love holiday music but The First Noel is a snooze. Bored is the king of Isreal.

Fun bit of LOTR trivia: Viggo Mortensen actually broke his foot in the scene where the Uruk-hai says “Looks like meat is back on the menu!” And then fellates him savagely.

In an incredible tactical error, I introduced my children to Christmas songs as sung by The Chipmunks on December 4th.

Back at work after Thanksgiving and just trying to keep my head above water.

My tattoo says No Regrets which is obviously a huge mistake because I actually hate egrets and now every single one of them hits on me by asking about my tattoo.

They go great with airline tea, which is basically all cum anyway.

My wife keeps bothering me to help my in-laws in the kitchen but all the mirrors in this house suck shit so I can’t even tell if I’ve got a suitable pump on.

One game of cards with extended family and everyone’s still suddenly ready to go to bed. They can’t hang with a real athlete. And for the love of god, aunt Janice stop crying, I will replace your piece of shit particle board table on Black Friday. I’m already planning to go fucking HAM at Target.

Indian wrestled every kid at the pre-Thanksgiving rager and nearly ripped their little toothpick legs clean off. I always go 100. Some of them tried to tell me not to call it Indian wrestling AFTER they got washed. Just trying to scrape back a win anywhere they can. Fucking soft.

At my in-laws for Thanksgiving and it’s crystal clear I’m the strongest guy here. My wife has one uncle who played football but when I threw his walker over the stream behind their house, everyone agreed I can’t be stopped. Alpha.

One of the most remarkable things about the human condition is that no matter how hard you try, you will never be the absolute best at anything, but you will be the absolute worst at lots of things.

imagine walking down the beach and seeing jesus carrying some guy

When I was seven I won a coloring contest at the grocery store. They gave me a free VHS copy of Peter Pan and put my turkey picture up at checkout. I’ve been chasing that success ever since.

Man who survives exclusively on grinding out grievances with the Democratic Party would ask you stop talking about the most recent grievance and just let it quietly go away.

Everyone is being a little hard on Nuzzi. When your deep introspection yields no notes, why bother to make those notes coherent?

Just became a legend at the car wash. Showed the guys working there that you can pretend the pressure washing gun is your wiener. They called their boss in and he took a video.

If I Wanna take a guy Home with me tonight It’s none of your business And if I Am tryin to steal a pie From Whole Foods That’s none of your business

a lot of people said i was a fool for adopting a chimpanzee while living in an apartment "this is going to be a disaster, your neighbors will hate you" they said, well the chimp died after eating an entire box of dryer sheets so i hope you feel good about bringing that negativity

Everyone, I ouija boarded Lincoln's ghost and he said the new White House bathroom is "too gross to piss in"

Would like to address the rumours going around about me. They are categorically not true. In fact, I have actually had a few extra ribs added to ensure that sort of thing could never happen, even accidentally.

I can’t wait to see what all the Stranger Things adult children will wear at their third premiere for season 5!

17 spam calls so far today. 28 by the end of yesterday. 26 the day before. I’m not complaining just bragging.

Welp, that escalated steadily for the last decade.

Reading the broken, misspelled gibberish littering the Epstein email release makes me think it must be exhausting to be a pedophile.

Honestly shame on this psychic. Any huckster worth their magic beans knows better than to get trapped in an if/then scenario.

I think I would gain respect for Trump if I saw him eating effortlessly with chopsticks.