Your honor, permission to do the fandango.

I only worry about spiders crawling into my mouth while I sleep because spiders crawling into my butt is a blessing.

You know you’re at a good hotel when the toilet seat is horseshoe shaped.

I actually have no problem with you crying over spilt milk. In fact I’d like to see some remorse, some internal vow to never let this kind of thing happen again.

Bury me at surgically repaired knee.

People who don’t like cats are just jealous of how profoundly comfortable they look while sleeping.

Put it in the Bluesky Hall of Fame.

I will occasionally eat big burritos without chewing just to realign my spine.

I’m sorry I collapsed on the dance floor at your wedding and all those earwigs fell out of me.

I’m sorry I’m not a math or spelling wiz. I was too busy in high school 😎😎poisoning agriculture and rustling cattle. 😎😎

i’m just not clear why something that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away is any of my business

It’s nice to know our laws regulating governmental abuse are mostly just recommendations for living a moral life, in case someday one of the power-hungry people who becomes a politician wants that.

Earth Fire Wind Water Heart Captain Planet

Does CLEAR also skip you to the front of the line at Panda Express?

They call me the Emotional Regulator because I am also emotionally ready for sex with strangers minutes after I kill some guys in self defense, just like the song Regulators.

Its head is made of fruitbat. I will not be answering any follow-up questions.

I think it’s great that we call birds fowl even if it’s not spelled the same as the insult. They SHOULD deal with some adversity for a change. Let’s hear them sing about that.

I love baseball because you’re allowed to be an insufferable bitch whenever someone breaks your unspoken rules of etiquette and then you can try to kill them.

I hope elon got his sock puppet mom's account something nice for today

I don’t think any cruise ships should be allowed back, just in case.

If you can get your salad to be exactly a pound at Whole Foods you should get it for free.

"If one could conclude as to the nature of the Creator from a study of creation it would appear that God has an inordinate fondness for Papa Roach."

Cut my genus into species That’s how I like to sort. Evolution, cross-breeding Don’t give a fuck about Kingdom seeding.

Floored that this hand dryer sticker hasn’t made it to a boardwalk t-shirt yet.

Me: (running into the lunchroom at work, breathless and absolutely painted in blue stains around my face) “Nobody take another bite, you guys aren’t gonna believe what we can do now.”

now watching - Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping for - Frame Rate guest - @sorenbowie.bsky.social

This is terrible news for all my agentic shopping tools.

I bet it’s sad at the end of the Tour De France when everyone is done celebrating and they all have to unlock their bikes and ride home for dinner.

Adam Schiff is essentially the grandmother who means well but gets you the wrong thing every fucking time because the man at the store said “this is the one all the kids want.”

Sure, it’s fun but don’t book a night at Great Wolf Lodge expecting them to have hangers or even closets for your funeral suit. You’re basically on your own in that department.

When the camp councilor catches you making out in the woods and forces both of you back to the sing along by the fire.

Not to brag but I’ve lodged kernels of popcorn so deep in my gums they eventually fused with my DNA and now I owe Monsanto millions for patent infringement.

Sucking on other foods outside the Tastee Freeze sucking on a whole roast turkey outside the Tastee Freeze

I love the LA Times because I can read about all the ways my state is drying up and the country is falling apart, but also every week I get to read about a hand of poker a guy had once.

No one has ever seemed that impressed with the volume of my semen or the distance it shoots across the bed but maybe I’m just going to the wrong Ikeas?

“I’m still punk” I assure Amazon while ordering my second pair of Cali King sheets on a rewards balance because the first set felt “wet.”

People here are being really shitty, including at fellow journalists who might have been startled just a moment before biting into a big fully dressed hot dog. Journalists who may have reflexively squeezed the bun and sent the sausage sailing across the room into the delicate champagne tower

Digitizing tapes for a project and this Wal Mart ad from the 90’s just destroyed me completely.

🚨BREAKING🚨 The dumbest people you know have threatened to stop trying to influence policy unless you agree to be nice.

Backcountry campers love to go to bed right when it gets dark but will get up two hours before the sun and pack up under a headlamp.

BREAKING 🚨: the hang in there cat let go

I think it was a cultural misstep to let people sit so close to basketball games.

Can we please be done with announcing broad stereotypes to new generations? It’s so tired. There is nothing that’s true across the board for Gen Z outside of the fact that they are oblivious to social cues and they love to suck stupid farts like idiots.

Me: [Walks into the grocery store] [APPLAUSE] Me: Wow. Thank you. [BIGGER ORGANIC APPLAUSE] Me: Please. It’s too much. [UNSWEETENED APPLAUSE] Me: Wait… wait, what? [APPLESAUCE] Me: Ah. Yes.

I walk into a rough classroom of rural whites. They pay no attention until I turn my chair around backward and sit down. I reveal my mandolin and begin playing. “Go ahead,” I say “bluegrass your troubles at me.” It’s working. I am reaching them.

Me and the polycule are doing two horny nights at Legoland.

Come quick… Young Sheldon is fighting Old Stewie

My eggs are so fancy they come with a little newspaper that tells me about the chickens and apparently Maeve s facing indictment for insider trading and Rita was found murdered at the edge of the woods??

Got a cool new fitness trend for squeezing in a workout every day called not going to work

“You know, there are also a lot of great ways we could include more microplastics on film sets and we ought to at least try.”