I bravely thought the halftime show was neat.

Until I started watching reels, I never realized that every single recipe calls for two blocks of cream cheese.

A John Wick movie where he gets at least one song at the club to dance with someone nice.

Let’s be honest for a second about why we go to clubs. Everyone knows that dancing is just an audition for how good you are at gunkata.

I’m not just saying this because it’s 2026: I genuinely think I could overlook the skin color, the big mouth, the ears and have sex with an orc.

Who am I? It depends on the day. You might find a leaf on the wind in the last light of a sunset, beautiful but dangerous as poison oak. Or find me stock still in a field, tall, poised to spread my oils on anyone who passes by. The only constant is that I am absolutely dripping with poison oak.

hard to believe we all knew mario was a plumber but we just let him practice medicine anyway, like "guy's definitely a doctor. it's fine. he's got a bag of pills." it was a different time.

Honestly surprised the decision to make fun size candy bars even smaller wasn’t hashed out in the Epstein Files.

Look, don’t try to give me a snack mix without a rye chip in there. You think the Chex or a pretzel stick can do the same heavy lifting on flavor, you’re out of your fucking mind.

Me: “Release the Epstein dogs!” You: “Did you… You know it’s docs, right? Jesus, have you been living in a cave?” Me: (Sulking back up my mountain and pushing my boulder door open. I strike rocks together for a spark but it’s just not happening today. I kick some skulls.) “I need to fucking move.”

When I was 21 the fire alarm went off at my gym and I helped a guy in a wheelchair down the stairs. Outside I expected a hero’s welcome, instead the guy started yelling at everyone that they left him with the littlest guy in the gym. Anyway, I’m sure my obsession with lifting is unrelated.

Somebody came while writing this headline.

Me: “I wish for a million more wishes.” Genie: “Na-ah-ah, wishing for more wishes is against the rules.” Me: “I wish to change the rules.” Genie: “It’s… no you can’t. Because- you just can’t bro.”

"Just gotta get through this week," he said, every week

The Aronofsky trailer has really driven home for me that ai is just dream theater. No one quite looks like themselves, written words are nonsense and it’s painfully boring to anyone but the person who made it.

When it’s imperative that whiskey also be a character. Maybe even the most important one.

Part one, paragraph one in my essay on why I believe cars should be allowed to throw up.

Throwing up is the body’s check engine light.

The Beautiful Penis of the Seven Kingdoms.

"Noem has complained to others that she feels she's being hung out to dry over the episode and has made sure to emphasize she took direction from Miller and the president" www.axios.com/2026/01/27/t...

Brockway’s book is out! Like right now! Buying it is the only way to keep our website’s entire staff from going to prison!

Did that ICE officer ever survive his internal bleeding?

🤌 youtu.be/DhsivzKIbe0?...

WOW on Pretti's denial of medical treatment "I informed the ICE agents that I am a physician, and I asked to assess the victim. At first, the ICE agents wouldn't let me through. ... But none of the ICE agents who were near the victim were performing CPR, ... None of the agents were helping him."

Federal officials and actual events offer starkly different accounts of shooting.

… Furthermore, according to two other sources with knowledge of the situation, top officials in the Trump White House reminded their federal colleagues in and outside the West Wing that Pretti should be referred to as a “terrorist” in written statements and public messaging, no matter his background

The nurses are pissed

You have to read this. Firsthand affidavit from one of the women who was there and recording the video. She talks about how Alex Pretti was directing traffic when she arrived. She watched him be killed in front of her. She's afraid to go home, worried she'll be arrested.

I’m so excited for this.

you should only be allowed to vote if youre super funny

I’m sorry but some of you have no idea what sound a rooster makes and it crows.

Some of you doing your taxes are confused about net income and frankly it gross.

Some of you are clearly scared of the “No Shirt No Shoes No Service” threat and it clothes.

Some of you have elves doing all your cobbler work for you and it shoes.

This is like where you hear there’s a party in the dorm lounge and you walk down there and it’s just three grad students and the dude from the third floor single who always smells like ham

Stepping into the gym and switching from the leisure notch to athletic on my big brass belt buckle.

Absurd that we call the game genre “dungeon crawlers” and not “path-o-logical lairs.”

I have a relationship a lot like Heated Rivalry but instead of hockey it’s me throwing meaningful glances across an indoor play gym at my wife.

Saving this to show to my kids as proof that we can turn around if they’re bad enough.

Let’s also not forget that Puerto Rico has done nothing to stop Trump. If anything this is even more Puerto Rico’s fault.

Outside of calling my local representatives what can a simple man like me do to convince he President I don’t want Greenland?

Gavin Newsom is a lot like Trump in that he doesn’t genuinely believe or care about anything except his popularity. If you can tie that popularity to a good cause he can be enormously helpful but the minute he feels the tide shifting he will burn it all down.

Bleeding out from a gunshot wound and thinking reproachfully that only first year hacks try to end a scene by killing everyone.

What's happening in Minneapolis? We asked four GOP operatives and Mr. Beast's second cousin, estranged

The President of the United States unilaterally declared war on a sovereign nation, occupied it, stole its leader, and now is personally in unregulated control of the spoils of that war, in accounts in yet another foreign country. Sorry I'm just having a hard time dealing with that being a sentence.

Citizens of Minneapolis, I urge you not to inflame the situation. As you are being gassed, ask for the Amazon wishlists of each ICE agent and fulfill it. Unfulfilled wishlists are exactly what the president wants.

Taking my meds one at a time like a bird by smashing my face into the counter.

There’s a food critic I love following in South LA called Hungry4munchies who dresses like an energy drink and eats off the hood of his car. He takes a bite of the food then walks out out frame for ten to fifteen seconds. Usually he comes back but sometimes, no. Sometimes that’s all you get.

Shame on Wall-E for not predicting Ozempic.