I don’t know if women have this problem but there is an epidemic in gym locker rooms of bone-dry guys sitting around naked. They aren’t showering, just doing a full outfit change and taking a breather in the middle to grind the bench slats into their asses.

How do you take up four parking spots at once? You believe in yourself.

Why? Are they poisonous? If I put them in a tea would someone notice?

Why won’t you just all accept your dismal fucking fate? You’re being little bitches fighting against this clearly awful thing nobody wants, fuck!

Me (seeing a group of teenagers through the window of a passing train): “Are you guys talking about meeeeeee?”

“[With writing] The process is the purpose. You don’t have to always like or enjoy the process, but if you don’t respect it enough to do it yourself, there is no purpose.”

With everything going on in the world I’ve got the itch to unplug for awhile, find a meadow somewhere beyond the city lights, lay a blanket out under the stars and courageously freeze to death.

Tell your dog I said hello. They’ll know who I am. We used to sleep together.

As most of you know, my son is a Sailor. He sent a picture of his lunch yesterday from the galley. I’m thankful that we are finally taking care of our men and women in uniform. 🙏🏻🇺🇸

Me, peeing in the dark in the middle of the night. Rotating until I hear the sound of water.

Rejoice. The age of being young, dumb and full of cum is over. The era of being old, cold and full of mold has begun.

Is there a way to make this handbasket go any faster?

Air Marshals are also sometimes known as plane-clothes cops.

I could never date a woman who was on Only Fans. The last thing I need is someone giving me unsolicited advice on why I only have eight subscribers.

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

It’s pretty amazing that when children are being bitchy you’re allowed to say “Turn your attitude around” and it’s an absolute miracle that they can sometimes just do it.

This could be cool if the tunnels had multiple underground stops, and instead of being for thousands of teslas it was for a few great big teslas on a track and everyone could ride. A subterranean parkway of sorts. A “sub-way” system.

Dentists love to make your gums bleed then be like "look what you did"

me: what a beautiful night my date, lesbian dracula: a beautiful night. to drink blood me: i don't agree, lesbian dracula

Serious question: what single possible circumstance would qualify them to open that gun up in a crowded airport?

It’s disgusting that these people keep throwing this problem at the feet of tech. The FIRST thing we should be doing is training EMTs in this situation how to properly explain to dying victims why regulation is bad for America.

People who say “It is what it is” almost never understand what it is.

Asking your child every night “What was your favorite thing about today?” is a beautiful way to pick a fight.

This is fucked up because when I asked her if I could get in on those Dune movies she said there were already too many people and I wouldn’t fit even though I was looking right in and there was definitely a spot next to Rebecca Ferguson if she squeezed a little.

I’m known as the fancy nurse because I wear a vest and blazer over my scrubs each day. They are crusted with uterine fluid and hepatitis A. People with colds see me and leave to tough it out at home. I’m positively sumptuous.

I’ve seen enough. I’m ready to declare 2026 the year of the crane flies.

Me (theoretically): No man should have authority over another’s autonomy as positions of governance inherently corrupt. Me (stuck behind someone on my exit ramp trying to go slightly faster than freeway traffic and squeeze back in): THE POLICE SHOULD SHOOT THIS MAN RIGHT IN THE CAR.

Tired: Die Hard is a Christmas movie Wired: One Battle After Another is a Christmas movie.

How do I get some of that grim detachment I’ve been hearing about?

The problem is that the main way to get Trump to think you're cool is to talk a lot of shit online, and the people who have the time to do this are mostly no-talent backbench weirdos and oafs who no one outside the right wing fever swamp typically pays much attention to

What if this study they did on see-through aliens is also true for humans??

I apologize to all my fans sincerely that I couldn’t be there last night to accept the award for Best Fucking Your Mom. Thank you to your dad for accepting on my behalf.

They’re cowards for not putting a skull in the other talon.

Pizza Movie is the only movie I want to see now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOzF...

A lot to think about there, random guy online. Let me just check your bio real quick.

Laker Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash

I think you could trace our technological collapse to the moment electronics stopped including an actual outlet plug with the device. I don’t know how, but I’d like you to.

I knew it. Iran is coming for me. They want to silence the voice of a generation.

The “At any point” makes me want to pay extra for the exit row so I can help open the door.

Fandom used to be so weird. You could have a lovingly framed picture of a movie star next to your family portraits just because you like watching him run around a desert shooting guys. It actually seems kind of nice. Am I talking myself into commissioning a portrait of Timothée Chalamet?

The only thing separating July and December is some extra weight and a party hat and that feels just right.

It’s so funny that we call them boxer shorts when they’re the very first thing you take off before a fistfight.

This has always been the point of ai being absolutely crammed down our throats. It allows CEOs, policy makers, military officials and people at the top to deflect blame for anything decision they make.

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

Realized my shoe was untied in a public restroom and now I’m prepared to just throw this pair away.

I just want to watch a stranger race Hot Wheels in his basement on Facebook reels but stuff keeps happening in the world :(

Got some pretty scathing historical comparisons in mind for this current administration. As soon as I learn photoshop it’s over for these clowns.

I sold prescription drugs in college and my nickname was Blister Package but those things are unrelated.

I only want to see your hiking vlog if you mistimed it and have to walk back in the dark.

Maybe we should all just cave and accept that handicap spaces are for people with placards or Dodge Chargers.