Love when people here reply to a joke with “is this bait?” Well, in a sense I guess it is. It’s a joke. They often have twists at the end, traditionally known as punchlines. Most people learn about jokes at a very young age.

It’s fun seeing little snippets from our podcast because I never remember a single moment of them and it’s always brand new.

Coffee shops are the heart of darkness for republicans. All their horror stories take place inside them. They have taken the place of the forest in middle American gothic.

Our country loves taking advice from people who grew up wishing to escape small towns, then getting too scared to leave and finally angry at cities for existing at all.

My lifting routine each day is setting impossible goals, failing, and then doing a bunch of punitive lifts for being a failure. So really like the rest of my life.

this shit is just incompatible with humanity. its olestra for the soul

Like Gollum with the ring but it’s the toppings that fell off my everything bagel.

Went to church yesterday and was dismayed to find the pastor never once mentioned how Rizzler broke the record for naming Italian brain rot names just by looking at their photos.

The last message that Charlie Kirk gave to me before he joined his creator was “Soren, start a pet food and soft serve ice cream emporium. No one will mind the smell.”

Hey was wondering if purple devil 😈 emoji always supposed to be a horny devil or if there was an evolution because I panicked at my reunion and told everyone I invented that.

I’d probably call hobbits “hobbies” as a fun nickname if I was a fucking dork who moved in those circles.

Furious that Hollywood adonis Charlie Hunnam was cast as Ed Gein in this season of Monster. That part was an opportunity for representation and could have gone to someone deserving from the serial killer community.

Canonically, does Cleatus the Fox football robot have free will?

Blsky help rqst: how do I get some new dumbfuck disinformation vigilantes? I feel like I got all the same ones I used to have on Twitter.

My brothers, wake up. The modern male diet is meant to domesticate you like a pet. We used to live off the hearts of the animals we hunted. Our ancestors sailed across oceans with nothing but rum and the very worst thing that happened to them was their teeth fell out and they died.

Maybe it’s just me but the idea of sex is so gross and rad.

Is Santa’s workshop at the North Pole technically under maritime law since it sits over frozen ocean? Sort of need a quick answer here.

It’s crazy that Elon just stopped working on his body. He has billions of dollars. He could easily make the whole thing infinitely weirder.

Hope he sees this bro!

One of the perks of being famous I’ll never get over is being recognized in public. “Didn’t I see you on tv?” they all ask, and “Did you really get your loose ankle skin stuck in the escalator at the mall?”

(pointing at my bed like sleepy Babe Ruth)

I was at the urinal with my pants all the way down of course and I was pulling apart my butt cheeks so my farts would be quieter when all of the sudden a big poop flied out of my rear hole and landed in the sink behind me

I despise that anyone funny is largely considered a creator of “dick jokes.” Several of my jokes are also about testicles which are inherently funnier.

It’s a pretty good Roger.

This looks like one of those dog agility courses when they let one of the bulldogs give it a try

I know you aren’t supposed to wear your bike helmet after a crash but what if you just dropped the helmet by accident? On the hood of a car? That’s going 35-40 mph? Because that’s basically all it was and I really like that helmet.

If you want to keep your finger on the pulse of the newest and dumbest fucking graphic Ts you’ve ever seen in your life, the top three spots are: 3) Jersey shore boardwalks 2) Gyms 1) Any flight to Dallas Fort Worth.

Every day I try to be a 1% better man. Within a hundred days I’ll be 100% b improved. Five years, 500% more. I will be a colossal, too big to fit in a bus and a danger to society. Tearing trees from the ground and eating normal size men.

I’m not a total moron but I’ve never walked away from filling out a W9 feeling like I did it exactly right.

What democrats need most right now is to find their own version of a Gavin Newsom.

This isn’t my first rodeo. It’s my second but I didn’t really pay attention the first time. So how does this work, we’re kicking the horses?

Dads warn their daughters about guys like me: Powerful, smart, wooden teeth, first president, dead.

I love my cyberstruck but curious if anyone else in this form is dealing with the gender confirming alloy arm triggering way too often when you’ve just been to the gym??

Day 561 of my horoscope telling me, a cancer, to try coming out of my shell and I’m fucking sick of it.

A fun fact about me is that I can also miss 100% of the shots I do take.

One nice outcome of having billionaires elect whoever they want is that I don’t feel nearly as bad ignoring the cold texts from candidates asking for $20.

I hate that this has somehow stuck as common knowledge. ZERO statistics back this up. The number is actually closer to 80%.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the Hard Knocks episode where Jared Goff learned that the earth revolves around the sun.

I am the frenemy to a lot of people but without the friends part.

Extramarital sounds like advanced placement for really good spouses.

Loser broke into my car last night and didn’t find anything worth taking. And I even left my wallet in the car! What a complete loser.

Summersaults get a lot of good press but for my money the autumnsaults are way more interesting and tragic.

I’ve got to stop getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

I’m over 40 and I still think Don Coyote and Sancho Panda is a great idea for a cartoon.

After a lot of consideration I think I could eat forty-seven Asian chicken lettuce cups.

Sorry I’m late, a grasshopper flew into the spokes of my bicycle and I had to remove exoskeleton shrapnel from my legs.

I memorized when the clapping comes in every song and boy do I let everyone in the gym know it.

I brought my family to DC to eat at their famous Cheesecake Factory and a child had his greasy hands ALL OVER the display case, so forgive me if I don’t believe crime is down.