Is it too much to ask for just one panel in a Batman comic where he’s crouched on a rooftop in the rain, pondering the city, with a thought bubble that reads, “I gotta get my dick sucked.”

I’m on a bar trivia team with Mitch McConnell and can assure you that he’s just as bad as he always was.

Trying to board a United flight but I’m in group 27 :(

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!" I yell at my child while pointing at the humming vortex that swirls endlessly in the corner of the den

🤼

X is all racists Threads is a snoozer But

If being hot was a crime I’d be locked up, mostly for breaking into hot people’s houses while they’re in prison and robbing them.

just remembered that when i was in grade school another kid told me that the ball at the top of every flagpole was hollow and had razor blades in it, and if the russians invaded you were supposed to climb up and use the razor blades to destroy the flag so it couldn't be captured

I just think it’s beautiful to see them trying to change a thing.

Me and my crew debating best practices for making pesto with foraged pine nuts while camping.

Staying in a town with an active railroad. I didn’t have a penny to put on the tracks so I’m using a rental car instead.

I’ve got a flight tomorrow morning so of course this afternoon I come down with World Cup fever. Just gotta mask and stay hydrated.

So tired of blacking out every full moon when I really want to stay up and help the townsfolk hunt for the werewolf

Attempted to beat another restaurant food challenge today. Sadly this place also poured goat urine on me and called me a piss boy. These challenges are no joke.

“OK, we gotta name these prickly guys next. Sort of a small porcupine. I was thinking—“ “Hog.” “You already named the big pink one hog.” “OK. Hog 2. “These are different. They live in shrubs and hedges.” “Hedge Hog.” “Fine, but last one. This next guy lives underground, scared of his shadow…”

Happy Father’s Day to a real one.

Started my first day of trying to trade a paperclip up to a house. Was only able to trade the paper clip, my shoes and my wallet for a mugging. Follow here for day 2.

Tom Cruise in a Mission Impossible mask pretending to be The Sausage King of Providence.

i went to the format joke store and they said you’re their #1 customer, but they are concerned you might have a dependency on using formulaic humor for a low effort dopamine reward and to avoid your fear of expressing yourself genuinely

I’ve been quietly living with this notification for awhile now with no idea how to check it. Please don’t try to help me. This is my burden to bear. Also, if you ever tried to send me a message, please try to remember I’m just a good big dog.

I apologize to all the fans who expected to see me playing in the World Cup. I made the team but couldn’t play after I gagged while hunched over the sink brushing my teeth and threw my back out.

He’s sidestepping what he wants to say which is that they’ll never understand romance because he just watched Moneyball.

I’m like a performer in that I am always picturing everyone in their underwear

Guys, please! Why does everything have to turn into a stick measuring contest?

You: It’s super important to listen to your body. It will tell you exactly what it needs. My Body: BUILD A PANTRY AND BED AROUND YOUR TOILET.

[sarah mclachlan plays over images of social media pfps] jokeblindness is a serious affliction that affects 64% of social media users. many jokeblindness sufferers don’t have the support system that could help them get the assistance they so desperately need, so won’t you please donate today

SPOTIFY Algorithm (after I play the same song five times in a row): Nah, that’s not your style. Here, check out this Mumford and Sons track!

Alopecia Santa Claus.

When you play in the World Cup, are you allowed to choose your own kid to come out with? I don’t want an ugly one with messed up teeth.

I personally feel like the mixed metaphors in Islands in the Stream make it tough to follow.

Whenever you get the urge to fight with an account and the picture is a guy with sunglasses sitting in his car, remember that’s the least embarrassing background he has available to him and the damage is already long done.

“The pot was cooking over a fire, a very big pot and I was in it, they were planning to make me into a soup. But then they snatched me out, and listen to this, they realized what they had finally and they made me their king.”

When you wish upon a star Makes no difference who you are Anything your heart desires Will come to you Even if you killed a drifter while drunk driving in ‘06

Not many people know it but the phrase “Happy as a clam” actually comes from clams annually polling as some of the happiest tidal creatures.

True New Yorkers know that Times Square is the place to be.

me: did you finish inside me surgeon: please stop saying it that way

We are the same distance from the height of The Darkness as The Darkness was from the ancient hair metal bands they were aping.

Well, it happened again. I got put on the jumbotron at the grocery store and everyone booed my groceries

“Wow, that’s way too much. Does anyone want a piece this big?” -My wife when I cut her a piece of pie or cake, regardless of how small it is.

Wild that we aren’t allowed to end oil dependence because it will kill jobs but we have to embrace AI despite the fact that it supposed to put all of us out of work.

The male urge to finally use that little bit of karate he learned once at a fair.

The male urge to fall deep into reverence for commercial pilots.

The male urge to turn knowing different guns into a personality.

The male urge to see any handsome movie star nearly naked on screen and loudly proclaim that he skipped leg day.

In an emergency, if you’re super dehydrated, is it possible for your body to reabsorb moisture from a full bladder? Or should I just keep drinking my pee?

Absurd. The courts won’t let this stand and the order is so hastily written the next administration will repeal it immediately.

I swear, people are so fake. You think you’re connecting, you’re being vulnerable for the first time and then boom, you find out they were a scarecrow strung up in a corn field the whole time.

It will be a lot of up-front work but I think it would be worth all of us coming to some kind of consensus on what qualifies as a hot take.

Fyi the cupcake character is one created by Loryn Brantz, who has this to say about Buzzfeed using it without her permission.

Beautiful sentiment. Please everyone stop doing this literally.