Just popped a second ibuprofen, so yeah, I party

Based on research, I have concluded that when my toddler says ”you look so pretty, Mommy”, What she means is, “you’re not wearing leggings and I didn’t know you own real clothes”

Wife: The new neighbors are so quiet Me: I knew moving next door to a black hole would pay off Wife: something else just got sucked off the porch Me: meh, it’s worth it

Vacuumed up some dried lavender that spilled and it smelled pretty good, follow me for more homemaking tips

New pope: (walks into the Vatican carrying a sink) The whole world: omg no

especially now I think it’s important to underscore the importance of now especially

in England, "strawberry" sounds like "robbery" and that's all you need to know about them maybe

If you love something, set if free. If it comes back that means no one else wanted it. Set it free again.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

Subway should be able to make me a little charcuterie plate

YOU: Yes I: No YOU: Stop I: Go Go Go (Oh No) YOU: Goodbye I: Hello, Hello, Hello YOU: Goodbye I: Hello, Hello, Hello - Paul McCartney, Playwright

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some hard truths about myself

an inferiority complex? you mean dilutions of grandeur?

rip jesus you would have hated la croix

I can’t believe there’s a movie called, “IT,” and it’s not about playing tag.

I'm not saying I don't have a green thumb, I'm just saying my kids have started calling one part of the dining room "dead plant corner"

me: I'm not old also me: *realizes the number of meteorologists I follow on social media is not zero*

Welp, I just reached my move goal. <refuses to move again until tomorrow>

they probably had to name it ‘scoliosis’ because ‘s-curvy’ was taken

I asked my kid to help me convince his toddler sister to put her boots on. He was successful! Unfortunately, his trick was to tell her that I’d give her chocolate if she put her boots on. I don’t have any chocolate.

Boss: Can you work late tonight? Me: Sure, let me quickly move the webcam so you can explain to my dog why there’ll be no couch cuddles tonight Dog: Boss: Go home, you can finish it tomorrow

I’m gonna try to go to bed early this week [goes to bed even later than usual every single night]

Check your Hesperus before you wreck your Hesperus

What is botox if not a murder of crow’s feet

I don’t have a podcast yet, still distributing trifold handouts covering various topics with a blank response section for anyone who wants to be a guest in my brochure.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

me: *notices I'm cleaning stuff I usually don't, wonders if I'm avoiding something* later me: oh yeah. taxes.

Trying to make small, manageable changes like eating ordinate amounts of peanut butter cookies

fuck the mute button we need an ancient curse button

About to make this incoming thunderstorm my whole personality

You ever meet someone and just know immediately that they have a live laugh love sign in their house

There is no longer any excuse for not having a banana for scale

I’m on a business trip and I get this text from my husband, “I think the kids have hidden a hotdog in the house, but I can’t find it”

Today I had to wash my kid’s winter coat after he’d been playing in the melting snow at school. Here’s what I found in his pockets: - a candy wrapper - a stick - an eye dropper - a Jenga block

I started re-organizing the kitchen and garage after recycling day. But then it was storming so I spent yesterday in the basement with our dog so I started re-organizing down there. And then I thought I should go thru the toiletries so I start re-organizing upstairs. Anyways, I ruined the house.

10-year-old: Oh, my back! 7-year-old: My legs are swelling! Me: You guys okay in here? 7-year-old: Yeah, we’re just playing OLD.

There's a table of 16 middle-aged Karens getting sloshed in this airport lounge and I can predict with 100% certainty they'll be on my flight in an hour

I just heard a 20-something use "on fleek." God bless that slang for simply refusing to die.

Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks

Cohen looks down at the notepad, closes his eyes, conjures up the image. He shakes his head. Picking up his pencil, he scratches out a word. “No,” he thinks, “definitely 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘥.”

my descent into home automation madness has put me into a situation where my plants now email me when they're thirsty

Me: and no ketchup on the burger Genie: is your order correct on the screen

ever since I was little I knew I wanted to become an account

A tariff upon your goods and a plague upon your laughs.

I like to think I’m chaotic adorable.

me:*about to fall asleep* my brain: what if sea salt is just mermaid dandruff? me: sonofabitch

(•_•) (•_•) <) )╯I KNEW / \ (•_•) \(•_•) ( (> HIM / \ (•_•) <) )> HORATIO / \

My toddler: Can we play a game? Me: How about we play the “tidy up” game? My toddler: No.

My husband was putting together a shopping list and asked what we needed to which our 5 year old replied “alcohol”, and I can’t believe I had left that off the list